Don't You Get It?
by WritingBlues404
Summary: "We're full of contradictions!" I laugh, positioning my index finger and thumb to form a fake gun, point it at my brother, and pretend to fire it. "We might as well be Two Dead Boys!" Kaoru can't take much more of this pain. Something's got to give.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Another angst story! This time starring our very own Kaoru and Hikaru. Writing this story in first person is going to be a challenge, but I am willing to give it a shot. So far, this is only a one-shot. It may turn into a multi-chaptered story, depending on the reviews. If you want more, I'll make more. So please – sit back, relax, and enjoy! And don't forget to drop me a review!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ouran High or the little poem insert.

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**Chapter One: Pain brings about Laughter**

It's funny, isn't it? You get it, right? The joke?

No?

Well, here, maybe if I explained it:

You see, we were always close, closer than any siblings I knew. And the fact that we're twins makes our bond all the more special. We always thought the same things, moved in the same manner, talked in unison – all things that had people questioning, "Who is who?" We even came up with an ingenious game, testing people's abilities, seeing if anyone could tell us apart. Even our own parents couldn't tell which one was Hikaru and which one was Kaoru, and I still don't think they can. But that's was where the contradiction lied; we wanted to be told apart, we didn't want to be told apart. When we were younger, we were always sad when no one could point out the difference.

But that's okay. We've gotten used to it over the years. As long as we had each other, each one being able to tell who the other was without hesitation, we were fine. And as I sit here, watching and playing along with our "Brotherly Love" act, nodding at the right places, smiling in just the right way, and blushing at exactly the right moment to send the clients squealing and wailing in bliss, I can't help but notice _it_.

You know, _it_.

That thing you keep doing. I really wish you would stop. Can't you see how much it's bothering me?

But then – there's the joke. You _don't_ care, do you? You don't care about me or how I feel, do you? It's all just one big act. It's _always_ been just one big act, hasn't it?

And that's what makes it so goddamn funny! The way you can still portray these false emotions in such a convincing manner, fooling me and making me think for _one instant_ that our bond is still intact! Bravo! I can't help but bow my head a little at the master and giggle slightly in my throat as I sit here on the couch beside you. You're so close, yet I feel as though you're a thousand miles away. You say something to the girls around us and then take my hands in your own, making them giggle and blush again. I didn't hear what you said, though. Sorry. I was too busy laughing at your joke.

And it seems like your joke isn't over with yet. You still wish to tease me further by looking at me with those eyes - _all part of an act_ - and you still speak to me with such love -_all part of an act_ – and you _pretend_ that I'm the only other person in your world. But, it hasn't been that way for a while now, has it dear brother? Not since we opened the doors to this Host Club.

My inner struggle rips and tears at my insides, causing me to place a hand on my stomach and apply pressure, trying to get the pain to stop. But you keep on pretending. You keep this act up. Oh, why won't you just cut it out already? Why won't you stop? It hurts!

It must be funny for you, too, right?

I can actually feel the pain inside bubble up into my throat and get released as a soft chuckle. It starts out low, but gets louder and harder as the pain and mental strain increase until I'm at a loss for breath, clutching my stomach and covering my eyes with my other hand on the couch. All of the girls around me have stopped their swooning and are now looking at me uneasily. Even you, Hikaru, have stopped talking. I can feel your eyes on me. You're probably wondering why I'm laughing so hard, and all I can think is _Don't you get it? It's your joke, after all!_ But maybe your joke isn't finished yet. Perhaps this isn't the punch line? Is there more? Dear God, I hope there isn't more. I can barely breathe as it is.

"Kaoru…?" I hear you call out softly and reach towards my face, swiping gently at my cheek with your thumb. That's when I realize my face is wet. Why was it wet? Oh… tears. I was laughing so hard I cried? I pull my hand away from my eyes and look at my brother, a few breathless giggles still erupting from my throat. He looks concerned. I wonder what my face looks like to make his eyebrows scrunch together like that, and for his mouth to pull down at the corners like that. And his eyes…

I can't help but start laughing again. His eyes are just _too good_. He truly is a gifted actor. He really looks like he's worried about me! I can feel more tears spill over and race down my cheeks, my laughter turning into heavy sobs. "Kaoru!" my brother shouts sternly and grips my shoulders so I'm facing him, "What's wrong?"

I'm silent for a moment as I just stare with a blank expression. Then I ask with a bright smile, "Don't you get it? It's so funny! It's so goddamn funny!" Tears still fall, but I ignore them.

"What do you mean, Kaoru? Please, tell-"

I suddenly stand from my spot on the couch and back away a few steps. I must've been loud because now everyone in the room is looking at me with questioning gazes. I can feel their eyes bore into me, burning my skin and causing me to feel a little trapped. But, slowly, I start to laugh again, my shoulders jerking up once, then again, then repetitively until my stomach hurts. I don't know why I'm laughing – perhaps this is part of the joke, as well?

"We're full of contradictions," I laugh. "Like those Two Dead Boys, you know?" Hikaru looked more puzzled than ever. How could he forget such a thing? It is our favourite excerpt, isn't it? Or was that all part of your act, too? "One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other." I recited, positioning my index finger and thumb to form a fake gun, point it at my brother, and pretend to fire it. "We might as well be Two Dead Boys!"

I laugh and laugh. But why don't I feel tickled like you're supposed to when you laugh? I feel vacant, desperate, lonely, and frightened.

All eyes are on me.

Everyone's staring.

Silence eats away at my ears, even though I'm providing enough noise for everyone.

I'm laughing so hard.

I'm out of breath.

I start to hyperventilate.

I'm sobbing.

My head feels light.

The room begins to spin.

I grip my head to steady myself.

The floor suddenly comes up and smacks me in the face.

Everything goes black.

_Don't you get it, brother? We're full of contradictions. It's funny how we're just like Two Dead Boys._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Well, you guys wanted more, so here it is! I'll keep this short so you guys can just jump right in. I only have one thing to say: I implore you – _**please**_ review. It puts a smile on my face when you do. Not to mention, motivates me. And when I'm motivated, you guys get more of the story! Every review is read and taken into account, so don't think they don't matter! Anyway, read on.

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**Chapter Two: Actions bring about Concern**

Everything was hazy at first. Voices drifted to my ears, muffled as though my ears were stuffed with cotton. A spot at the end of my left eyebrow throbbed in sync with my heartbeat, along with the whole area below it. Whatever I was laying on definitely wasn't doing my body any justice, either; my back was cold and stiff and my head was pressing against something hard and flat, causing another source of uncomfortable and irritating pain to emerge. _What the hell happened?_ I think to myself as I try to block out the pestering aches. I try and concentrate on the mumbling voices around me.

"… give him some room." A sharp voice commands.

"What's wrong with him?" Another asks.

"Did you see the look in his eyes?" A girl proclaims. I can feel the crowd of people around me. It sort of makes me feel uneasy. I imagine all of their eyes locked on me – I don't like it when people stare. It makes me feel weird.

"Where is that washcloth?" A deep voice inquires a few feet away. I almost couldn't tell whose it was, but after a few seconds I realize it belongs to Kyouya-senpai. Even though his voice seems a tad alarmed, he still manages to keep a cool head.

"Here!" Honey calls out. Everything is quiet, as if time is standing still. But then I can feel a warm, damp fabric being tenderly pressed against my eyebrow where it hurts the most. My reflexes cause me to flinch away, a soft sigh being heard afterwards. I crack my eyes open slowly and allow the split images to merge together in the middle and become one. The first person to come into focus is the one that sends memories of what had occurred to come crashing back into my brain. My eyes fly open out of shock and I'm about to speak when his soothing tone cuts me off.

"Shh," he hushes, "It's alright. You fell down and bonked your head." His face is serene and his smile is soft and reassuring. "You gave yourself a nice little cut, but I'm just going to clean it for you, okay?" I stare up at him, eyes still wide. When I don't make any protests he leans his hand towards my head again and repeats his previous actions, with me staying still.

Hikaru's movements are gentle, causing me to relax a bit. It reminds me of when we were little; we would play outside, or around the house, and when one of us would get hurt, the other would delicately tend to the others wound. Usually the injury only needed a Band-Aid and a kiss and we would be all patched up. But I doubt any of that would heal me now.

Those damn emotions start running through my head, again - loneliness, vacancy, and fright. And on top of all that, I feel angry. I'm angry. How can my brother continue to uphold this lie? How much longer does he expect to put on this charade? The way he's softly dabbing at my eyebrow and reassuring me with that pathetic smile is really getting on my nerves. I don't think I can bare to even look at him anymore!

At that moment, though, he pulls back his hand. "There you go." Hikaru coos and sits back on his heels. I finally notice the group of people watching. All of the girls who were attending the Host Club are gathered around us, forming a demented sort of circle. I eye them carefully, but only my other half understands what I'm trying to get across to the young ladies.

"Please, stand back." Hikaru urges over his shoulder.

"I think this concludes our Club for today," I hear Tamaki-senpai declare uneasily from behind the crowd, causing the girls to turn around and face him. Then, one by one, they begin to make their ways towards the double doors that lead to the hallway. I can hear Tamaki's ever-so polite farewells as the women exit Music Room #3 - and I'm sure their eyes hadn't left my form on the floor.

Soon, the door closes and all is silent. Awkwardly silent. Although, Hikaru is the first to speak, and I'm surprised by what he asks. "Do you feel well enough to stand, or do you want to rest for a little more?"

I expected him to start questioning me, demanding to know what happened and why I said what I said. But instead, he offers me a hand, waiting until I give consent for his help. And I'm still speechless, not to mention a bit embarrassed by my actions, so I do the only thing my brain allows me to do – I stretch my hand up and place it in my doppelganger's who happily accepts and carefully hauls me to my feet.

"I-Is Kao-chan alright?" Honey pipes up hesitantly, hugging Usa-chan, his pink bunny plushie, close to his chest. His facial expression is that of concern; peering up at me from under his eyelids and chewing on the tip of his thumb, making him appear as a frightened 8 year-old.

I take in a deep breath before I finally answer, "I-I'm alright." I note how shaky my voice sounds as well as hoarse. Was I really screaming _that_ loud? Thinking about my actions from earlier causes my head to throb. I bring a hand up to my head where I can feel a sensitive cut at the end of my brow; gingerly I run a finger over the wound, feeling the crusty, dried blood around it.

"Don't touch it," Haruhi reprimands, "unless you want it to reopen."

Her voice is definitely something I do not want to hear right now, especially if it's to chastise me. I'm not the one who has done anything wrong, so why should I get in trouble? Perhaps it is another case of mistaken identity and Haruhi believes me to be Hikaru – after all, _he_ is the traitor, not me. But, it's Haruhi and she can tell us apart as if we were two different species all together.

I _hate_ that.

Just thinking about how she broke the walls down around mine and Hikaru's world sends my limbs trembling in anger. _She_ is part of the reason I'm losing Hikaru. She is also to blame, not just the Host Club itself.

"Uh, Kaoru," my brother jumps in, removing my hand from my head and cutting off my train of thought, "I think we should go home now. You should rest."

"Yes, Kaoru, I think that would be wise." Kyouya speaks up as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I can't help but notice – you haven't been sleeping properly, have you?" Everyone in the Host Club turns and looks me up and down. I wince, trying to shirk away from their probing eyes. That damn staring – I can't stand it! "The dark circles under your eyes point towards your lack of rest," Kyouya-senpai continues, snapping me out of the trance the others had set upon me with their unmoving gazes, "your slouched posture also indicates your amount of fatigue, and the careless way you've been presenting yourself signals the absence of attention you usually pay towards your looks. To put it bluntly – you're a mess."

Kyouya-senpai's words stab me like a knife. I am not a mess! I am fine! I've made myself to look just like my brother, just like Hikaru! If I looked any different, he'd have told me… right? Hikaru would've let me know that something was amiss and I would've corrected the error. We're supposed to be the same! We're supposed to look like mirrored images. That's what we want… or is that only what _I_ want now?

My eyes travel over to my twin who is now at my side. My eyes start to glisten, although I'm not sure why, and my breathing becomes uneven as the lump in my throat grows larger. Hikaru suddenly grabs my forearm and places a hand on my shoulder. "Come on, Kaoru," he softly calls and tugs on me. He still looks concerned, like earlier. The only thing I can think is, _All of the girls have left, you don't have to put up an act any longer._

A single tear leaves my eye as I am lead out of Music Room #3; escorted by the one person I really wish wouldn't touch me right now.

**ii**

It's dark in this huge bedroom. I have been laying here in this bed since last night. Hikaru had been kind enough to allow me the absence of prying questions until after dinner, and even still until after we had finished our homework. In fact, we didn't speak much at all after arriving home. Our parents even commented on our lack of conversation at the dinner table, but it was Hikaru who had provided an excuse for me, saying that I wasn't feeling well – which also conveniently supplied a reason for my tiny portions of food. But then, when it was time for bed and I slipped under my covers and laid my head to rest, I felt the bed shift, the covers lift, and a warm figure curl up behind me.

It felt nice for a little while. It felt like the olden days; we would curl up close to one another and talk about anything and everything, ranging from the most ridiculous pranks to the more serious accounts of the future. And I'm sure Hikaru was reveling in the same memories as I was, that's why he was so quiet and content at first. Then Hikaru spoke up at last, his question coming out in a whisper as if he didn't want to ask it at all. "What happened today?"

That was it. I didn't want him in my bed anymore. For the first time in our whole lives, I didn't want the company of my older twin by my side.

The question hung in the air, refusing to go away. The more Hikaru's question went unanswered, the more the tension between us grew. I wasn't the one who was going to give in though. Why should I? I shouldn't have to explain myself to the person who was causing me pain. Hikaru should already know what he was doing to me.

My twin fell asleep while awaiting my reply. I could hear his soft but deep breaths and feel them lightly sweep across my bare back. And suddenly, my eyelids felt like they weighed a ton. I closed them for a moment, only to open them again and find the sun peeking out from behind the dark blue curtains.

Sleep always happened in either the blink of an eye or dragged on forever as I toss and turn at night, never peacefully. It didn't really matter which way it happened, I was still tired when the sun finally rose.

I sigh quietly as I remember that it's still a school day and roll over. But what I find makes me stop mid-turn. Hikaru's golden orbs lock with my own, his expression one of determination. I immediately turn back over, however my action was in vain.

"Kaoru." I hear my brother call sharply. I don't bother reacting to his words. That doesn't seem to stop him though. "What's going on?"

I know Hikaru's noticed. I was wondering when he'd finally speak up about it. My grades have been dropping because I usually refuse to do homework with him, I sleep in class, I don't eat much, I don't take care of my appearance as I should, and I've even begun to pull away from our act in the Host Club – leaving all the talking and actions up to him. I just nod and smile mostly. That's what he's best at, isn't it? He doesn't need me around, he can handle himself, it seems. I put my own personal wager on how long, if he even would, confront me about all of this.

It took him two weeks longer than I thought it would.

This time, Hikaru is awake and shows no signs of letting his question just drift off into the air like last night. I still continue to be silent. "Kaoru," Hikaru draws out in a tone much like a parent expecting an explanation from a 10 year-old – _and it better be a good one._

"Nothing's wrong," I snap as I pull the covers up over my head, "Everything's fine."

"No. It's not." Hikaru snaps back, sitting up and turning his body towards me. "Now tell me why you've been acting so strange lately."

"It's like you said. I don't feel good." I reply unenthusiastically.

"Stop lying." Hikaru demands. He then begins to tug at the blanket I have securely locked down around my head. My grasp only tightens.

I don't want to see him right now, it'll only upset me to have to look my twin in the face and desperately wish we could go back to the way things were, before Haruhi, before the Host Club, even before Tamaki-senpai. I want to be sitting in on desk again, not torn apart by that girl. How could Hikaru not feel the same? It's driving me insane how much he doesn't care! Aren't we supposed to share the same thoughts? The same looks? The same heart?

I grip the blankets tighter as my brother pulls harder until we're both pulling and tugging with such force that the blanket might just tear in two.

And then, I just let it go.

I let the blanket go, knowing it would only suffice in throwing Hikaru over the edge of the bed. He tumbles backwards off the edge and lands with a loud thud, like someone dropping a bag of full of bricks.

I sit up in bed and look down to my twin on the floor. He sits up as well, clutching the back of his head, a pained expression smeared across his face. I don't know how to feel, and I certainly don't know how my face appears, but apparently it isn't one of remorse because as Hikaru glares up at me from the floor, he hisses, "Okay, fine, Kaoru. Sorry for trying to help! I won't bother you anymore – see if I care!" He then stands abruptly and stomps his way out of our room, slamming the door on his way out, most likely to use the hall bathroom instead of our private one.

I can only sit and stare at the door. This was the first time I had ever caused harm towards my brother, even if it was indirectly. I had let go, knowing that when he pulled back, he would fall, most likely getting some form of injury.

It's eerily quiet in our bedroom now. I don't like it. It makes me feel alone. It's just as bad as staring! I throw my hands up to my ears, trying to block out the silence.

And then I begin to laugh.

How absurd! Covering my ears to block out _silence!_ I truly am a contradiction!

I suddenly jerk my head up, gazing towards the window with the curtain pulled over it. I scramble to my feet, almost tripping over the blankets that follow me off the bed and fall to the floor. When I'm standing in front of the window, I pull the dark blue curtain aside a bit, noting how the morning sun is shining a bright yellow-orange, signaling the start of a new day. I glance behind me and compare the beautiful light of the sun to the darkness of the bedroom. I laugh a little, looking back to the sun and muttering, "One fine day…" I close the curtain and stare around my darkened room, "In the middle of the night…" I shift my gaze to the door my doppelganger hand just storm out, "Two dead boys got up to fight."

I laugh a little more as I bring a hand up to the wound I received yesterday at school, my fingers itching to scrape and dig at the newly-formed scab. "We're full of contradictions." I giggle.

When I successfully tear the abrasion's covering off, I pull my fingers from my head and stare at the small amount of blood covering my fingertips. "We want to be told apart, we don't want to be told apart. We try to be exactly the same while trying to maintain separate personalities." I look to the private bathroom in our room. Without hesitation, I stroll into the room and flick the light on. I pull open one of the draws under the sink and start my search.

It doesn't take me long. I know exactly where it is. It's not like I haven't contemplated this act before – I placed this small purse-looking object in here for just an occasion. I quickly unzip the sides and observe the contents.

A portable manicure set. Obviously one of many that my mother has collected over the years. I found this particular one a few weeks ago sitting on top of the garbage. Apparently it was either too tacky looking for my mother's taste, or she simply didn't wish to have it in her possession any longer. The cover was a faded pink with little blue flowers going in rows across the entire thing. It looked like it belonged to a 7 year-old girl. No wonder it was in the trash. Oh well, I'll be happy to keep it.

The only thing I'm interested in is its contents. The little gold-painted contents. The little gold-painted scissors to be exact. Again, without hesitating, I remove the scissors from their little holding place and eye them happily. First, I place them around my fingers, as if I was really going to use them on my fingernails. Only, I didn't have any fingernails to cut – I chewed them all off days ago. I then do what I've wanted to experience for weeks now.

I close the scissors and contemplate on where to _contradict_ myself. I glance down at my left hip. I pull the band of my boxers down a tad and roughly dig the tip of the scissors into my hipbone. "We want to be told apart, we don't want to be told apart. We might as well be Two Dead Boys." I softly say as I drag the scissor's sharp tip to the right, making a nice little line. Nothing happens at first, which makes me sigh out of annoyance. But then, red liquid quickly surfaces and begins to slowly leak down my skin. I smile contently at my spilling blood. It makes my head feel hazy, like I'm on cloud nine.

It seems I stood like that for a while. The only thing that pulls me out of my trance is the sound of our bedroom door opening and someone entering. I drop the scissors out of alarm and grab for the tissues on the stand by the sink, then proceed to dab at my wound. I hear a knock at the bathroom door, then a hesitation.

I know it's Hikaru before he even speaks. "Are you almost done? We're gonna be late for school…" he trails off.

"I just got out of the shower," I lie. "I'll be out in two minutes." I hear him walk away from the door as I place the scissors back in the pink, flowery case and slip it back into the drawers. It would be overlooked if Hikaru spotted it. There might as well be one of these in every drawer in the whole house. It's an everyday item.

"Are you feeling at least a little better?" I hear Hikaru call from our room. Huh, seems like he can still sense my mood changes.

"Yes, Hikaru," I call back with an exuberant smile, "I'm feeling much better now."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **Chapter 3 has arrived! Thank you everyone who reviewed! Please, keep sending them in because I'm loving what everyone has to say. They motivated me to spend my entire day writing, editing, re-editing, and finally publishing this chapter. So, if reviews are good, I might just do the same tomorrow… maybe. Anyway, without further ado, I present: Chapter Three.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the plot. Ouran HSCH belongs to Bisco Hatori. And I would tell you who owns "Two Dead Boys", but sadly, the author is unknown.

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**Chapter Three: Wounds bring about Delight**

I'm not looking forward to Host Club today. No surprise there.

Not only has there been a lot of tension between Hikaru and I throughout the day, but I really don't feel like facing the clients from yesterday.

That is, if they even come back. I couldn't help but notice some strange looks from some of the girls in school that attended the last Host Club – their eyes boring into my person, sizing me up and down, trying to figure out if I was going to act in the same manner today.

_Oh, how I hate when people stare._ It makes me feel trapped, like being backed up into a corner with no way out. And that instinctive feeling of "I need to get out" kicks in, making me want to run far away from everyone, where they can't see me.

Instead of acting upon those instincts, I just offered them smiles of reassurance and continued on with my day; not letting it show how their accusing eyes really bothered me.

Even Haruhi seemed apprehensive when first noticing me at my desk. She slowly made her way to the desk located between my twin and I – something I'm definitely not happy about – and hesitantly uttered a greeting to us both.

Perhaps she could feel the tension stirring up between Hikaru and I. I even noticed her leaning over and whispering something to my twin, in which he nodded briskly and murmured something in response. As to what they said, I have no idea, but seeing Haruhi whispering ever so secretively to my brother only succeeded in causing a twinge of anger to rise within me. What did she have to say to him that she couldn't say to me?

As my anger rose, out of curiosity I nonchalantly reached my hand down to my side and gently pushed on my left hip, causing a spike of pain to surge from the tender, wounded area. My eyes widened as the stinging sensation seemed to engulf my anger and cause it to disappear, leaving me feeling lightheaded with a stupid grin plastered on my face.

_Wow_, was all I could think. What a wonderful thing I had discovered! Not only had it taken away the bad feelings of betrayal and rejection, but it left in its place a feeling of comfort and… giddiness, perhaps? I'm not sure how to describe it, really; it was a sensation I had never felt before. I had spent the rest of the class, and the school day for that matter, playfully toying with my left side. Sometimes out of boredom, or sometimes to try and make those awful feelings disappear again. But I had to make sure I didn't do it too often to cause concern from the other students, so I was limited at times.

Hikaru seemed to be giving me the "cold shoulder" treatment. I guess he was still upset by this morning's argument. Although, if he hadn't tried to pry into my business, then it wouldn't have resulted in him getting injured. Certainly he couldn't blame _me_. I didn't do anything. If anyone should be mad, it should be me. It's Hikaru's fault in the first place – he's the one leaving, not me. I'm right here, where he left me.

So I'm not going to apologize. He's the one who has to.

If he apologizes, I'll know he'll want to stay. If he doesn't, then I know he'll want to leave.

But now, walking down the hall towards Music Room #3 with Hikaru at my side, it feels like nothing is wrong. Although, I know that is not the case. Not only will mine and Hikaru's routine for Host Club be awkward as it is, but I will have to face the clients, which probably aren't going to have such "care-free" attitudes like yesterday. I take a quick sideways glance at Hikaru, wanting to ask him his opinion on the matter. Instead, I look away and casually bring my hand to my side and make it seem like I'm scratching, when in reality, I'm digging into my self-injury. The pain causes me to smile, and, for a moment, I forget about the troubles that might await me.

I breathe in deeply as a smile spreads across my face and I close my eyes. I'm stuck in a daze, my mind swimming through a light, comforting sea of haze, like feathers floating through a midday breeze come to tickle my face. And when I open them, the sea of feathers dissipate; all feelings of freedom and ease leaving when I take in my surroundings.

I'm standing in this dreaded room – the abandoned third Music Room. Tamaki-senpai is seated at a round table, sipping elegantly from a teacup while Kyouya-senpai writes in his notebook, seated in the chair right next to him.

"Well it seems the last one to show is Haruhi," I hear Tamaki utter with a smile as he places his teacup back on a matching plate.

"She better arrive soon, or we will have to start without her, and that won't go over well with her clients," Kyouya adds. Honey-senpai mumbles something from behind me, probably unable to talk properly due to his mouth being stuffed with sweets.

No one seems to be commenting on my actions from yesterday.

I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing.

Then Kyouya speaks directly to my twin and I, "So what are you two doing today? Any special acting or will it just be improvised?"

Hikaru snorts a bit and answers, "Kaoru and I haven't organized any plans, so I guess we'll just wing it."

"Oh?" Kyouya questions and raises his brows. "Well, I hope no such trouble will occur. We wouldn't want events to unfold as they did yesterday, would we?" Kyouya-senpai shifts his gaze to me and smiles happily, although the point was made.

"Oh yes," Tamaki says and spins his head to face me. His expression is that of wonder, "How is your head? Do you feel alright today?"

His abrupt questions cause a small surge of fear to resonate throughout my body. I quickly regain my composure, bring my hand up to the healing cut at the end of my brow, and reply, "Yes, Milord, I'm fine. Shouldn't have any problems today."

Suddenly, Haruhi emerges from the double-door entryway, breathing heavily. "Sorry I'm late," she gasps in between breaths, "I had to speak with my teacher after class and it took longer than I thought it would."

"Well, you were _almost_ late," Tamaki responds, getting up and waltzing over to the cross dressing girl, "Just don't make Daddy worry like that, again."

"You were worrying?" Hikaru and I say in unison. We look to one another, kind of shocked. But then we begin laughing, something we haven't done in a while.

"It's good to hear Hika-chan and Kao-chan happy!" Honey pipes up with a big cheeky grin as he licks the last of the frosting off his fingers. Mori just hands the tiny highschooler a napkin to wipe his hands on, instead of his pants.

Hikaru and I walk over to the couch surrounded by matching chairs and take our seat, waiting for the ladies to come by for their appointments. "You know, we could do the 'nightmare' bit, today. Just throw in some new stuff. Maybe I'll have the nightmare this time." Hikaru laughs.

"Like you ever have nightmares," I laugh as well.

Truly, laughing with my brother felt good. We haven't shared a laugh in a long time, and being able to finally do something at the same time brought back memories of when we used to be close. And remembering those events brought back the realization that Hikaru is slowly drifting away from me.

Of course my happiness would only last a few minutes.

It feels like my stomach dropped when I picture Hikaru actually leaving me, living a separate life without me. My happiness quickly turns into a sense of rejection and betrayal. I don't want it to end; I don't want my joy to leave me, too. I _want_ to be happy. I want to be able to smile and mean it. I hate these feelings – hate the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness.

No… no… no, no, no! Hikaru can't leave me! If he leaves then I have nothing!

Why does he want to leave me? Am I not good enough? He's good enough for me! I could go through life doing nothing but being with my twin. I don't care if people believe it to be weird or give us dirty looks – I just want my brother back!

"Kaoru?" I hear Hikaru call out and place a hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes, which I didn't even realize I had closed, and look around.

There are 3 girls taking their seats across from my doppelganger and I. Oh… I guess it's time to start the Host Club. I sit up straight and put on my most convincing smile.

Then I notice one of our clients staring, her eyesight fixed intently above my eyes. She must be looking at my cut.

As if to confirm my thoughts, the girl ever so politely pointed out, "You must be Kaoru. So the rumours are true about what happened yesterday."

Anxious goosebumps rise on my skin, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end. My eyes grow wide as I try and search my brain for an appropriate response. Now _all_ of the clients' eyes are on me. I lean back a bit in my seat, trying to distance myself from their prying eyes, but they only seem to lean in closer.

I don't like this. I need a way out. I need something to calm me down; my heart is beating so loud I'm sure the girls can hear it. I begin poking at my hip, hoping the pain will calm me down a bit. I wince as my fingers dig roughly at my side.

Then, someone grabs my wrist, stopping me from finding comfort in pain. I look to Hikaru who turns to the clients and says, "Please, any rumours are probably just that – _rumours_. We would like it if you didn't throw around accusations." He then smiles warmly, then averts his gaze to me. "Is something wrong with your hip, Kaoru? Does it hurt?"

I look into his eyes, not sure of what to say. _Shit_, I never thought of an excuse to give someone if they questioned my actions. "N-no," I stammer out, my voice dry, "I-I'm fine. It was just an itch." I lie, lamely.

"Are you sure?" Hikaru asks. Then his eyes show that he is calculating something. And at first I think he's figured it out – but then he takes my face in his hands and pulls me close. "I can look at it for you – we can play doctor just like we do at home, but this time _I_ get to undress _you_."

Very good, Hikaru. Seeing that the clients' are now swooning, giggling, and blushing, I can tell their attention is on us, rather than on those "rumours".

If only Hikaru and I were close like before. Now these acts just seemed strange to me and a little weird. Sometimes they even make me feel uncomfortable.

I just want everything to go back to normal. Is that too much to ask?

Suddenly, a voice calls out, making all five of us turn our heads in that direction. "Hikaru," Kyouya summons, "Will you come here for a moment?"

Hikaru and I eye each other for a moment before my twin gets up from the loveseat and makes his way over to Kyouya.

What could Kyouya want with Hikaru? And more importantly, why _just_ Hikaru? Why couldn't I hear what Kyouya-senpai has to say, as well? Suddenly I see Kyouya point towards me, causing Hikaru to spin slightly and look my way, too.

Were they talking about me? Why were they talking about me? I didn't do anything!

My heart begins to pump furiously again and my breathing becomes a little rapid. I then remember that I have three girls here who, just a few minutes ago, were accusing me of the events that occurred last Host Club. I hesitantly look back to the ladies in yellow dresses. I was right, they were looking right at me.

Or better yet, they were looking at my left hand. It was toying with my side again. I hadn't even realized I was poking at my injury.

The pain hadn't caused a reaction. It was failing. My one source of comfort and relief was fading.

_No_. I need more. I need another. This one was getting old.

I need another cut.

Thinking about this whole situation sends a sensation full of sorrow and anguish throughout my being – and for some reason that sends me into a giggling fit.

My giggling turns into a soft chuckle. I know the girls are looking. But I don't care.

"Kaoru?" I hear one of them call out timidly. My head snaps up at the sound of her voice, making them all jump back a little in their seats.

I wish I could see my face; I want to know what caused such terrified expressions to plaster the young ladies' faces.

If I'm supposed to entertain these ladies, then I most certainly will. I cross one leg over the other and prop up my head with the use of my hand. "Would you ladies like to hear a poem?" I ask with a crooked smile and half-lidded eyes as I lean in close to them. They back away a bit, but they can't get far. I hope I'm making them feel uncomfortable, just like they do to me.

And I don't even wait for them to respond – I rise from my spot on the loveseat and lean in closer to the three women, placing my hands on the coffee table in front of me for support. Then I begin reciting, "Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout, I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about; the admission is free, so pay at the door, now pull up a chair and sit on the floor." The words are so familiar I can taste them on my tongue as they leave my mouth. They have a rusty, metallic taste - like blood. "One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight; back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot -"

"_Stop!_" one of the clients shriek. Everything came to a standstill after that.

I blink hard a few times and examine the area around me. The three girls are huddled together, each leaning over to clutch the other in fear. I look down at my hand and see that it has taken on the appearance of a gun.

I quickly shake my hand, ridding it of its pseudo-fatal demeanor. I slowly stand straight up, eyeing the petrified ladies. I hold my hand close to my chest as my eyebrows scrunch up in distress.

What did I just do?

Then I notice how it's not just my clients that are staring at me. Again, everyone in the room is staring my way. Haruhi, Honey, Mori, Tamaki, Kyouya, and Hikaru.

Hikaru's face is a mixture of shock and horror. He appears to not know whether to help me or stay right where he is.

There are too many eyes. Too much staring. All directed at me.

I feel hot.

I feel lightheaded.

I don't wanna be here anymore! _I need to get out!_

I spot my first exit and take it – the double-doors. I spin around, clutch the back of the couch, propel myself over it, and run for the doors like my life depended on it.

I can feel hot tears streaming down my face as I push open the double-doors and run. I don't know where I'm going; I only know that I need to get away from the eyes.

I make it halfway down the hall before something grabs ahold of my left wrist and roughly yanks me back. The force causes me to spin around and lose my balance, although before I fall, someone clutches my arms just under my shoulders and holds me steady.

It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to the being in front of me, but I don't wait for their identity to be revealed before I try shaking loose. "Let me go!" I yell as I thrash about.

"Kaoru!" the voice shrieks.

"No!" I scream back. I yank one of my arms free of the person's hold and waste no time in swinging it in his direction. Only when it makes contact and sends a stinging sensation through my hand do I stop.

I stare at my doppelganger. His hand laying atop the red, throbbing area of his face, staring right back at me with disbelief colouring his expression.

I hurt Hikaru. I hurt him, _again_. This time physically, by my own hand.

I drop to my knees and bury my face in my hands. My sobs echo loudly throughout the hallways. I can't take it anymore. Hikaru _should_ leave. I don't deserve a brother like him – I'm a monster. No one should be around me – I deserve to be alone.

I deserve it. I deserve everything.

"Kaoru," I hear my brother whimper as he throws his arms around me, "What's happening to you?"

**ii**

This time, it need to be better. It needs to be able to last longer. And somewhere less conspicuous. Though, I don't know why I'm even thinking about it - I'm already acting on impulse.

I drag the sharp end of the tiny, gold scissors across the middle of my forearm. It makes a nice line and before the blood can even run, I'm working on the second one right above it. "We look alike, but we're so different. So full of contradictions," I whisper as to not wake my brother in the other room. I wipe my eyes and watch as the blood runs down my arm, mesmerizing me. I wanted to stay like this forever. But the sound of ruffling blankets and a shifting body causes me to faulter and quickly scramble for the tissues to clean up the blood.

I look up at the ceiling as I let the endorphins take me away, pressing the tissues to my arm with more force than nessecary, causing more agony to spike through my system. All I could do was stand there, letting my eyelids slowly close, my entire body feeling like it's floating away.

This is all I need.

This is all I deserve.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **Alright guys, _**I really need your help**_. I'm very iffy about this chapter… I feel like I'm making this story too unreal. Well, obviously this story isn't meant to be "real", although I'm trying to keep everyone in character as much as possible. Please, tell me how this chapter turned out. Is the story getting _too dramatic_? _Too unbelievable_? And this chapter is the longest yet. So tell me if you like the long chapters, or should I keep them short? I need to know! :(

**Disclaimer:** No own.

* * *

**Chapter Four: Recklessness brings about Consequences**

I sit on the cold, metal floor with my arms draped around my legs, crushing them to my chest. My body rocks back and forth in time with my slow, deep breaths.

I'm waiting.

He left me here, and now I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for _his_ return. And I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes.

But I do hope he hurries back soon because I'm getting so hungry and I'm getting so tired. I can't function unless he is with me. He makes me feel safe; he makes me feel invincible, like no one in the world could bring harm to me.

I know he still loves me and that he'll come back for me. He can't function properly without me either, right? He must be feeling some kind of restlessness without my presence around him, I just know it.

And I also know he wouldn't have left me in this particular spot if he didn't think it was in my best interest. I mean, yes it's dark, and yes, it's cold, but my brother wouldn't have placed me here to wait for him unless I _needed_ to stay here.

I continue to rock back and forth, my nails digging into my thighs as I await my twins return.

Exactly how long have I been waiting, anyway? It feels like it's been so long; I can't even keep track anymore.

But suddenly, a form appears in the distance. As soon as I realize a person has entered my vicinity, I immediately fall to my hands and knees and crawl forward. But I can't go far, unfortunately – I'm trapped where Hikaru placed me, forced to wait for him to set me free once more.

Instead, I grip the iron bars of my little cage set up in this forgotten corner and eye the intruder until his identity can be made.

A light flickers around the person, making him give off an angelic glow – and I know who it is.

My doppelganger.

My brother.

My twin.

"Hikaru," I whisper with a tremble. He's finally come back. He's come back for me! I'm so happy that tears race down my cheeks and fall to the cold floor of my metal cage. My heart swells with joy as he stands there, looking from side to side. "Hikaru," I say again, this time more loudly. I grip the bars with my sweaty palms, my lips parting to form an excited grin. "I'm over here!"

More figures make their way into my field of view which causes me to jump back a little. Though, it's not long before I'm leaning forward to grip the metal bars again, trying desperately to recognize the new people a little ways away.

It doesn't take me long. They all have their own glow, just like Hikaru, making it easy for me to point out who is who.

It is the group of people I despise the most. The group of people who are stealing Hikaru away from me – the members of that Godforsaken club.

I watch as Hikaru turns to the group of five and converses nonchalantly. They're far enough to where I can't hear their words clearly, but close enough for me to make out their faces; by the looks of their expressions, they're happy about something. Hikaru says something to the gang, resulting in him putting a hand to the back of his head and laughing.

Haruhi steps forwards a little and says something with a puzzled look. Whatever she said causes Honey-senpai to leap in joy and tug on my brother's arm and pull him in the opposite direction.

No.

He's leaving.

"Hikaru," I yell out, "come back!" No one seems to hear me. Tamaki-senpai pats Haruhi's head and they begin walking, too, behind Honey, my brother, and Mori. Kyouya, realizing everyone has migrated, pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and starts following behind, as well.

"Please, Hikaru!" I yell again, pushing an outstretched arm passed the bars as I try to get my twin's attention. "I'm so cold – so tired! Please, let me out! Take me with you!"

Abruptly, my twin stops and all the others pass him, continuing on their way as if Hikaru was still leading them. It's not until the Host Club disappears from sight does Hikaru move. He turns slightly, looking over his shoulder, staring me directly in the eyes. "Hikaru," I cry, reaching my hand towards him.

We stare at one another for a few moments in silence. Tears fall from my eyes and race down my face, dropping from my chin. My twin flashes a cheeky grin, filling my heart with the hope of being released from my prison. Although, that hope shatters when Hikaru waves at me, then spins back around and begins running after the Host Club members.

"Stop!" I call out. But he continues onward, like I didn't say a word. Like I didn't make a sound.

Like I didn't even exist.

"Hikaru!" My shriek tears and rips at my throat, making it go raw, but that doesn't stop me from calling out his name again and again, trying to get his attention. I begin pulling at the iron bars in a failed attempt to rip them from their place. It's no use.

Without even thinking, I slam my head against the bars as I try to make any amount of noise. Perhaps if I make enough noise, Hikaru will sense my stress and run to my rescue. I yell his name over and over in between forcing my skull to make impact with the thick metal. I can feel a hot, sticky liquid run down my face and mix with my tears until I'm too exhausted to even kneel. I fall on the cold floor on my side, Hikaru's name never failing to leave my lips.

I can't keep my eyes open anymore. They fall shut as my twin fades into the darkness, taking his warming glow with him.

"_Hikaru… Hikaru… Hikaru…_" I repeat over and over weakly.

"_You're all I have. Please, take me with you._"

**ii**

My arms wobble with strain as I push myself up from the bathroom floor. The movement causes my head to spin, so I immediately sit down with my back against the bathtub; its chilling temperature matching that of the tiled floor. I grip my head with my hand while shaking off the remaining remnants of my latest nightmare.

Breathing in deeply causes a coughing fit to ensue, but I try to conceal it as best I can by clasping my hands tightly over my mouth. My foot ends up kicking something, which sends it rolling across the floor, its contents sloshing about. The second I look at the rolling object, I direct my attention somewhere else.

_Bleh_. I don't even want to look at that bottle. My head is throbbing just thinking about the strong, burning liquid. I decide to put my mind on other things instead. I bring myself up from the floor, this time slowly, and make my way over to the mirror located above the sink. I blink a few times before gazing upon my reflection.

My eyes are glazed over and bloodshot, making the dark circles around them stand out even more. My hair is knotted and disheveled; in some spots sticking up, in other spots flattened to my scalp. I waver from side to side as I note the dried tear trails leading from my eyes to the bottom of my chin.

I don't even want to look down.

Although, my curiosity gets the better of me.

I examine my arms first, flipping them over and then back. Fresh, healing wounds lay amongst old, fading ones. My eyes then trail down my torso, noting how it carried no new ones, and immediately pull down the sides of my pajama pants. I could already tell more abrasions waited to be discovered by the way my sides ached whenever I moved, but I still wanted to inspect the damage.

Red, crusty lines of all sizes zigzag on both of my hips, the cuts on my left hip going down to the top of my thigh. _Hm_, I think as I observe my handiwork, _I don't even remember going that far down. I must've been too far gone by that point._

What day is it even? I can't even keep track of days lately. They've begun to run into each other, making it difficult for me to distinguish when the day starts, and when it ends.

For me, it never ends. Every day is exactly the same – and so is every night. It's like one continuous cycle with no end in sight. My days are filled with annoying emotions that I try to cut out by night. I can't even tell when I started dipping into my parent's wine collection – or even where I got the idea from. Perhaps, too much television? I laugh at that idea.

But it seems to help when I'm spending my nights alone, locked in our private bathroom. It helps dull the pain, along with my little pair of gold scissors.

I laugh again – soothing pain with pain. I shake my head at the contradiction. But, then again, isn't that all I am? Just one big contradiction, unable to come to a basic conclusion about anything.

A harsh jiggle of the bathroom door handle followed by a loud knocking startles me enough to make me almost fall over. I grip the counter in front of me before I fall as I listen to the voice on the other side of the door say, "Kaoru? What are you doing in there?"

_Shit_, I curse myself. What time is it? I'm usually cleaned up and out before Hikaru even notices I've left the bed. But damn it all, he's awake! Do I have school today?

"Kaoru?" Hikaru calls out again. Damn it, why won't he just leave me alone? He's been on my back – even more lately; I can't stand it!

"Yeah?" I answer back with as much enthusiasm as I can muster.

"What are you doing? Can I come in?"

"I-I took a shower."

There's a slight pause. "Why so early? It's barely six, and there's no school today."

_Shit_. Not a school day. What now? "Uh, because I felt like it. Geez, can't I take a shower without being questioned?" I snap back.

Another pause. Even though Hikaru isn't saying anything, I can still feel his presence on the other side of the wooden door. I close my eyes and tilt my head up towards the ceiling, tracing the mutilated skin on my arms with my fingertips. _Please, just go away,_ I mentally plead. I can't bear to have Hikaru around me – not when I'm like this. I don't deserve him.

I'm a social outcast at school, forced to sit alone at Host Club (with Hikaru checking up on me every so often to make sure I haven't snapped). If I didn't go to Host Club, then neither would Hikaru, and I can't have his absence to the club on my conscious as well. It's bad enough that I can't participate anymore, and I can tell how upset Kyouya-senpai is over that. But a lot of girls have been visiting Hikaru since my… shall I say, episodes? Well, whatever you'd call them, they seem to have the clients very sympathetic towards my brother. So I usually just sit alone in the corner of the room, swallowing my emotions along with my tea and pretend to read through some fashion magazines or work on my missing schoolwork assignments. Sometimes Tamaki-senpai or Honey-senpai, or even Haruhi, come over and chat with me between appointments. I smile and continue the conversation, but I can tell by their expressions that they're choosing their words carefully, as to not set me off again.

They're nervous around me. Mori-senpai doesn't even let Honey-senpai next to me without following – and that's bad, seeing as Honey is a martial arts master. I'm sure Mori doesn't think I could ever hurt Honey, I bet he's just nervous about how I may act or what I might say to scare or offend his cousin.

I hate the Host Club, but it hurts my feelings to know that I'm not allowed to participate.

Huh, more contradictions?

I'm so confused. What do I even want out of life? What does life want out of me? I try so hard, _so hard_, but all I manage to do is mess things up, push people away, and continuously contradict what I want.

I don't even know who I am anymore.

I want my brother by my side, and I don't want him to drift from me – however, I can't help but push him away every waking moment. I want him to go away, but I want him to stay, too.

Why is everything so difficult! _Why?_

Tears slide down my face and land on the tiled floor. I glance down just in time to see them splash onto a glinting object. A tiny, glinting object. A _sharp_, tiny, glinting object.

I scoop up the gold scissors from my mother's old manicure set as the bothersome emotions collect in my throat and form a lump, giving out a tiny sob as I choke on it.

I _hate_ emotions. I wish I could just cut them all out. Bleed all my troubles away. Without even thinking, I drag the stained-red blades across my arm, running into the newer ones and reopening them. I do it again, growling in my throat as the blade slices my skin apart. And, again without thinking, I turn to the dark, glass bottle on the floor, pop the top and take a couple rushed sips, some of the liquid pouring out the corners of my mouth.

My quick movements send my head spinning, and as soon as the wine hits my stomach, it is immediately rejected. The bottle makes a loud clang sound when it leaves my hand and makes contact with the porcelain floor; its contents spilling out, turning the white floor a murky purple. My body trembles as my vision blurs with new sickening tears. I can feel the burning liquid erupting back up my esophagus and I gag. I place my hand over my mouth, turning towards the toilet.

My head is still spinning and I can't tell which toilet is the real one. I fall to my knees and reach out for the bowl – a heave rippling through my body, a most unpleasant noise.

But more unpleasant than the sound of my stomach expelling its contents is the sound of the bathroom door jiggling again, and then opening. "Kaoru," I hear that all-familiar voice, thick with concern, yell out. I peel my gaze away from the spoiled toilet water for a moment to gape at my brother.

"How did you…?" I begin, but then I see the credit card held firmly in his grasp. _Damn it_.

I can't tear my eyes off my brother as I see his expression turn from concern for me, to shock and confusion as he observes our bathroom – alcohol spilled all over the floor, soaking into the blue floor-mat in front of the tub. Most likely, this room smells of stale wine, and now, vomit. Nothing like the soapy, clean smell of a shower I said I had taken. But there's something else dotted and splattered around this room – and I can see Hikaru staring at it. Drops of blood on the floor, porcelain sink, and smeared over the side of the toilet. And it's still dripping from my arm and pooling on the floor below.

"Hik-ka-" I stutter and then stop; the smell of the spilt alcohol wafting to my nostrils, causing my stomach to lurch again. I spill my guts out into the porcelain bowl, sweat forming on my brow. I feel like shit, and I undoubtedly look it, too.

I can feel Hikaru approaching me, slow and hesitantly, and all I can think is, _No_. "G-go away," I tremble. I'm shivering, but I don't feel cold. "Get out!"

I give Hikaru the most menacing stare I can muster, but instead of flinching away like others would, he kneels down beside me, takes some tissues from the tissue box, lifts my injured arm, and presses the soft paper to my cuts. "Y-you're bleeding…" He trails off. His tone seems calm, acting as if I, myself, didn't know the fact that I was cut open, although his face still portrays the same mixture of shock and confusion. And that look only multiplies tenfold when he observes the other injuries I have, old and new.

I can't take his look of alarm and disappointment as he gazes over _just_ my left arm. I don't want to imagine what he'd look like if he saw the rest of my body. I pull my arm away and give him an angry glare, the tissues sticking to my arm. "I don't need your help. _Just go_," I command.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it_! Why is this happening? Why did Hikaru have to barge in? Can't I have some privacy?

I'm sweating now, I can feel it collecting on the nape of my neck, running down the side of my face, and forming on my chest. My head is spinning as I heave once more, though nothing comes up but a disgusting noise that I'm embarrassed for Hikaru to hear. My arms start to shake under my weight – I'm so exhausted, I can't hold myself up anymore.

Suddenly, a cool, soft fabric is dabbing and patting at my face. I don't care; I fall sideways into my brother's chest, panting and trying to find some sort of comfort.

"Kaoru…" my twin says through a thick layer of confusion while still dabbing at my face with a washcloth.

I don't answer him. I don't want to – and it's not like I have enough strength to. I just close my eyes and let the sweet relief of relaxation take me away. That, combined with the soothing sound of Hikaru's slightly racing heart, sends me off into the land of unconsciousness.

I hope that's where I'll stay.

**ii**

Ugh, my head is throbbing. It's like my head is about to crack open in two from all the pressure. I've suffered from hangovers before, but none like this. I must've really overdone it last night – er, this morning. What time was it even? How long was I out for? _Ow_, I groan in my throat. Thinking hurts. And the voices outside my door aren't doing me any justice either.

Shut up. Just _shut up_, I want to scream, but even the thought of opening my mouth has my stomach doing flips. I pull the blankets further over my head in an attempt to muffle out the sounds.

It's no use.

Ugh. What do they have to talk about anyways?

"Not even for dinner?" I hear a feminine voice question. One of the maids, I conclude.

"No, not even for dinner." Another voice answers. I know whose voice it is without a doubt. But what is he talking about? Couldn't he be a little quieter?

"May I ask why?" The maid questions again.

"Just know that he is to have nothing sharp. Tell the others, too. And if I find out any of you disobeyed me, I'll have you dismissed without hesitation. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, Hikaru-sama. Anything else I should be aware of?"

_Nothing sharp_? The memories of this morning come crashing through my skull like a 16-wheeler truck blows through a wet paper towel. My eyes grow wide with shock and I sit up in bed. The room sways a bit and something damp and heavy falls from my forehead onto the blankets. I pick up the washcloth, noticing how my arms are wrapped with gauze. I quickly glance at my sides to discover that they, too, had been tended to.

_Nothing sharp_, storms through my head again, causing me to hop from my shared bed and run to the bathroom. I don't even bother to close the door – Hikaru already found out, what would be the point of hiding now?

I throw open the drawer under the sink counter that holds my most valued possession. I rummage through the drawer, pushing miscellaneous items aside, my actions becoming more rushed with every passing second. I slam that drawer closed when I cannot spot it and move to the next drawer. I rummage through that one, coming up with the same result.

I just begin my search in the last drawer when, suddenly, a voice cuts in, "You're not gonna find it." I jump a little and gaze up. Hikaru is leaning against the door frame, arms crossed, his face scrunched together to form a very dissatisfied expression. "I already got rid of it."

All I can do I stare. Hikaru has never looked at me with such disappointment in his eyes before. It sends a jolt of something uneasy through my body, making me look away. I feel like I was caught sticking my hand in the cookie jar before dinner or something. I just swallow and continue to look away.

That is, until Hikaru grabs my elbow and brings me into our bedroom and sits me on our bed. He then flicks on the light which makes me squint and bring a hand up instinctively to protect my eyes from the burning brightness. It's like the whole sun had taken residence in our room.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Hikaru falsely apologizes, "is that too bright?" He then strolls over to our bed and sits next to me, his scrutinizing look never leaving my form. "How's your hangover?" He all but spits the words at me.

I can't even turn my head in my twin's direction. I can't believe this is happening. This _wasn't_ supposed to happen.

"I knew something was up… but I never even fathomed anything like this. Are you insane?" Hikaru asks. I don't reply. I just turn my head in the opposite direction and lethargically shrug my shoulders. "Are you going to answer _anything_ I ask? Or are you really that stupid?"

"Do Mom and Dad know?" I rasp out weakly.

A harsh laugh escapes through Hikaru's clenched teeth and I can sense him shaking his head at me. "You really are out of it. Mom and Dad have been gone for three days on business."

This causes me to turn abruptly towards him and gape. I really don't want to ask my next question, but it's something I really need to know. "Today is Sunday, right? Because we have no school?"

"Try Tuesday."

"But-"

"We're on Spring Break. You really have no clue what's going on, _do you_? Do you even remember your own name?" Hikaru mocks.

"Why are you being so mean to me?" I retort, on the brink of tears at my brother's cold treatment towards me. This causes him to throw his hands on the bed next to my side and lean forward so our faces are only inches apart.

"Because you of all people should know how stupid and senseless your actions were this morning. And judging by your other cuts, you've been doing this for a while! Without me even knowing! I've asked you plenty of times to talk to me, and I've asked you if everything was alright and you _lied_ to me. You _lied_ straight to my face, Kaoru. How do you think that makes me feel, huh?"

"It's not always about you, Hikaru!" I snap at him, angry tears forming in my eyes. "You think you know everything. But you know nothing!"

"Oh yeah? Then enlighten me. Tell me, what the hell gives you the right to pull a stunt like this? And for your sake, it better be a good explanation." Hikaru's expression matches mine perfectly. Eyebrows scrunched together and pulled downwards, lips frowning, angry tears forming in the corner of his eyes. I can't take the sight of him almost crying. I just want him to leave – to go away and leave me to wallow in my despair. I look away again and close my eyes tightly, letting the tears free fall onto my clenched fists. "I thought so." Hikaru's voice wavers as he brings the side of his finger up to gently push on his eye, ridding himself of the liquid about to escape, repeating the action with the other eye.

A sudden jerk of the bed sends my eyes opening again, only to see Hikaru standing and walking towards the door. "Get dressed. Dinner is almost done," _But I'm not hungry_, "and yes, you _will_ be eating." _Then I'll just go hide somewhere_, "Oh, and don't bother trying to hide. I have two maids guarding the door, and all they have to do is call for me and I'll be up here faster than they can say your name," _Boy this is pissing me off. I need something sharp, something to take my mind off of this, _"And if you haven't noticed, everything sharp has been removed not only from our bathroom, but from our entire room, too, so don't bother anymore with of that crap. When you're done, let the maids know and I'll be up here to escort you to the dining room. If you're going to act like a child, then I'll treat you like one."

It's like Hikaru can read my mind. Hikaru opens our door, walks through it, and recloses it. I can hear him saying a few things on the other side, most likely to my new guards.

_I'm not hungry_, I angrily think to myself. But then, a low grumbling noise emanates from my empty stomach, reminding me of how I upchucked everything in it this morning, and I haven't eaten since. "Stop contradicting me," I say to no one in particular.

Okay, if Hikaru wants to play this game – then I humbly accept. He of all people should know how much I love games.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note:** Thank you to all whom reviewed/favoured/alerted! You guys know who you are. Anyway, so it seems like you guys were fine with the last chapter, which I'm happy about. But let's just say, it's all downhill from here. From this point on, the angst is greater, the drama is probably off the charts, and my time spent sitting here at my computer, constantly trying to make this chapter better, has skyrocketed.

Reviews would be much appreciated, like always. Flames are even welcomed with open arms. I just want to hear feedback from the readers. Just remember, reviews motivate. So don't forget to throw in your two-sense.

**Disclaimer:** I only own the drama and angst.

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**Chapter Five: Immaturity brings about Unwanted Attention**

I take my seat at the dinner table set for two. Out of habit, I pluck the tan cloth from next to my plate and gently place it on my lap. Hikaru follows right after me, taking his seat as well and draping his napkin over his legs, also. He hasn't said a word to me yet, or even looked in my general direction. Our walk to the dining room was very quiet, very awkward. I decided to dress in a long-sleeved, button-up shirt, to keep the maids and butlers from questioning the bandages wrapped around my arms.

I guess Hikaru really didn't tell the assistants much, seeing as their faces showed nothing more than confused and nosey appearances as I was escorted to dinner. And for that, I am pretty thankful. After Hikaru left me alone in our room, I couldn't help but think about what I let my brother really see, and I'm unsettled by it. I never wanted Hikaru to see me like that – that was supposed to be for my eyes only.

And if the maids know nothing about what happened, I'm guessing that left Hikaru to rid our bathroom of the mess I made after I passed out?

I watch as Hikaru, still completely ignoring me, picks up his knife and fork and begins cutting his steak. I wish he would stop ignoring me, he's making me feel pretty lousy. But I guess, maybe, that's the point? To make me feel bad about what I did?

I sigh soundlessly and look down to my plate, reaching for my knife and fork while my stomach does flips at the sight, but stop short. A fork is the only silverware sitting to the right of my plate. It is then that I notice my steak has already been cut into thin little strips. I glance back at Hikaru who shoves a fork-full of food into his mouth.

"What the hell is this?" I ask with an attitude, motioning a hand towards where my missing utensil should be. "Where's my knife?"

"I've taken the liberty of having your steak cut up _for_ you. Now eat." Hikaru replies indifferently with his eyes closed.

What am I, a two-year-old? Obviously I'm not going to do anything at the table! "No, not unless I get my own knife," I pout and sit back in my chair and cross my arms.

"Look, it's already cut up for you. You'd have no use for one now," Hikaru points out. "Stop being difficult."

"Fine! I'll just go get one myself!" I shout and push back my chair.

"I've instructed the cooks to keep you out of the kitchen and all sharp objects are being carefully monitored. You're not getting anything." Hikaru all but smirks as he cuts off another chunk of meat and shoves it in his mouth. Now I'm really getting angry. Who the hell does he think he is? He can't treat me like I'm some kind of mental patient that's going to go nuts once my hand touches a blade!

"That's fine. I'm not hungry anyway." I reply in an even tone and rest against the back of the chair.

"I said 'eat.' You're gonna refuse to eat because you can't have your lousy knife?"

"I said 'I'm not hungry.'"

Hikaru sighs heavily at this and looks me right in the eye. "You're not leaving until all of your food is off your plate," Hikaru states in an ever-serious tone. Since when did he become my father?

Then I think about his words carefully for a moment. "Okay," I finally answer and pick up my plate in one hand. Hikaru watches as I move the saucer away from the table so it hovers over the floor instead. Hikaru stops chewing.

"You better not," he warns with a stern expression. I match his face just as sternly before smiling happily, dumping the contents of the dinner plate onto the hardwood flooring. Hikaru's face drops in astonishment as the last of the juices drip from my dish and onto the floor, adding to the mess. I then drop the fine china back onto the table, none too gently as it spins on its bottom a few times before coming to a halt. Hikaru just stares at the mess on the floor before slowly muttering, "You've got to be kidding me."

"All gone," I cheer, like I'm five, and smile. Hikaru abruptly stands from his seat, slamming his utensils onto the table and making everything clatter. I can see the fire in his eyes, his face contorted in anger.

"_You_… _you_… All this just because you can't have a damn knife? Are you really that much of a selfish brat?" He yells. Some of the cooks and maids poke their heads out of the kitchen and around corners to get a glimpse at what is happening. Such nosey people. I should fire them just for being so obnoxious.

"Boy Hikaru, you look like you wanna hit me," I tease, my face portraying pure wonder at how his cheeks are turning a shade of red and his teeth clench together, "But that would be wrong because inflicting pain is wrong, even if it does make you feel better."

Hikaru's face falls at my comment. His head tilts downward and he sits back down in his chair. He then places his elbows on the table, rests his thumbs at his temples, and interlaces the rest of his fingers over his forehead. He's silent for a couple minutes.

"May I now be excused?" I ask as politely as I can. Hikaru just runs a hand down his face and nods. He then snaps his fingers and calls forth one of the butlers who shyly peaks around the corner of the wall and comes forwards.

"Yes, Hikaru-sama?" He bows, a little embarrassed at being caught eavesdropping.

"Please take Kaoru to his room. He needs a time out."

I spin my head around to eye my brother who has a slight smirk tugging at his lips. "A _what_?" I'm not sure if I heard right.

"You heard me. Now go. Or you could stay down here with me."

"I could go to some other part of the house. There are plenty of rooms." I protest indifferently.

"And we have plenty of servants. Our room is the only room that I will not have supervised. So, you can choose to go to another part of the house and be watched, or go to the privacy of our own room." Hikaru then leans forward and whispers darkly to me, "I can play this game just as well as you can. Don't think I don't have any tricks up my sleeve." He then sits back and waits for my next move. I just stare at him, my blood boiling, and a low growl rising in my throat. How _dare_ he try and control me. For the last several weeks he's done _nothing_ but stab me in the back and I've had to wither through the pain, but now that I'm actually happy with something, he has to take that away, too? Does he truly not _want_ me to be happy?

I can't take looking at him anymore. I stand from my seat and storm off, the butler following after me.

I storm up the stairs and stomp all the way to our bedroom door, the two maids from earlier sitting on the floor on either side, chatting away their day. Is this what my parents pay them for? Lazy-ass maids!

I open the door, walk in, and slam it closed. I hope the sound hurt the maids' ears.

I don't even know what to do with myself at this point. I'm so enraged, so restless, and I have nothing to make it all go away! My breathing becomes ragged as I pace my bedroom back and forth, trying to collect my thoughts.

If I venture to another part of the house, I risk being watched like a child playing with fire; and the thought of eyes monitoring my every movement sends a wave of anxiety rushing through my form, making me even more restless. But if I stay here, I give Hikaru the satisfaction of being right, and what justified reason does Hikaru have to intervene in my life now? He deserves nothing; I don't owe him a damn thing!

Suddenly I just stop. My hands fly up to my head and I grip my hair and pull to try and relieve some of this built up stress, growling harshly in my throat as I do so. I look behind myself and spot the alarm clock with its big red numbers vividly popping out. I immediately slam my hand onto it, rip it out of the wall and chuck it to the other side of the room. _What else_, I briefly think. It doesn't take long for my eyes come to rest on a textbook sitting atop one of the nightstands. I grab for it, and fling it in the same direction as the alarm clock, only this time, it hits a stand holding an expensive lamp with a few decorative picture frames and knickknacks. The light bulb of the lamp grows impressively bright before going out altogether and a tiny _pop_ could be heard. They all fall to the floor, making a lot of clattering and banging noises as they hit the rug. I fling other miscellaneous items to the other side of the room, such as other picture frames, my cell phone, and a few notebooks that were scattered on the floor to begin with. All of them hitting the wall and leaving marks of chipping paint and small nicks.

I then storm into the bathroom, itching to find out what I can destroy in here. I walk forward a little bit, before turning around and stopping.

Hikaru. Hikaru is standing behind me. How did he sneak in here without me hearing him?

Without even thinking, I wind up and punch my brother square in the jaw. But instead of him falling back like I thought he would, his image _shatters_ instead. "What?" I gasp, taken aback.

But then I realize it.

That wasn't my brother.

That wasn't Hikaru.

I look down at my right hand to see my knuckles cut open and blood covering my fist. I broke the mirror in our bathroom. I punched the mirror, believing it to be my brother.

I was going to hurt Hikaru without a second thought, but just ended up hurting myself instead.

I look to the blood smeared all over my hand, back to the shattered mirror; some shards having fallen into the sink below it, some covered in my blood.

Before I realize my actions, I begin stripping myself of the restricting button-up shirt, leaving me in the white t-shirt beneath it. I pick up the sharpest looking piece I can find and drag it across the skin just below my left shoulder.

It _stings_. I gasp out in pain as I realize that a sharp piece of broken glass is way different than tiny little manicure-scissor blades. I drop the shard back in the sink and grasp at the cut I had just administered myself, blood already oozing out from under my fingers and sliding down my arm to land in the sink. _Uh-oh_, I mentally gasp. This is a lot of blood. I don't think I've ever bled this much when I was using the little blades.

"Kaoru," someone sighs loudly as they open the bedroom door and walk in, "the maids say you're making a lot of noise. I hope you're playing ni-" Hikaru quickly scans the room, finally resting his eyes on me – and I'm pretty sure I'm not looking too good right about now.

_No_, I don't want Hikaru to see me like this. "Kaoru," he gasps, slamming the door and fast-walking towards me.

I'm scared. I'm scared of what Hikaru will think of me. I mean, I didn't plan for this to happen, it just _did_. But now he's going to be mad at me even more! "No," I quickly shout and try to close the bathroom door. But something stops it before it completely shuts.

"Kaoru, please, let me in." Hikaru pleads, pushing against the door.

"No, I can fix it," I cry. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life. Tears begin pouring down my cheeks. When Hikaru sees my arm, he'll know how messed up I am, and he'll give up on me – Hikaru has never been a patient person. But it isn't my fault! It just… happened! I don't know how to explain it. "Hikaru, I'm fine," I tremble, my voice shaking, "I'll take care of it on my own." Holding the door closed is difficult, seeing as my one hand and arm are injured and my other hand is trying to hold the more severe wound together. One big push on Hikaru's part slams the door into the injury on my arm, making me shriek out in pain and fall backwards onto my backside, my back colliding with the porcelain tub. I suddenly get a sense of déjà vu as Hikaru darts passed the door and falls to his knees beside me. I turn my injured arm away from him, not wanting him to see it.

I'm ashamed of it.

I don't want Hikaru knowing how different we truly are. We're supposed to be the same. We're identical twins after all.

"Let me see it," Hikaru commands through a thick layer of fear.

"No, I'm fine I said!" I repeat, more tears falling from my face, their end nowhere in sight. Hikaru grabs my face, forcing me to look at him. His eyes are glistening and wet, like mine. And his face is terrified, like mine. And there are tears staining his face, like mine.

"_Let me see_," he demands through his tears. I close my eyes tight. I don't want to see him cry, especially over something as insignificant as me. I swallow heavily and slowly turn over, the left side of my once-white shirt stained with red streaks in some spots. And my right hand is covered with blood, matching my left one, although that one had stopped bleeding.

I'm unable to bring myself to witness Hikaru's reaction when I reveal what I have done, but I can only imagine what he looks like. He's silent for a moment before he stutters, "M-Move your hand. I-I have to see-"

"_No_!"

"Kaoru, move your damn hand," Hikaru orders. Slowly, I peel my blood-soaked hand away from my wound, the feeling much similar to that sticky gunk you get on your hands after holding an already-licked lollipop, only thicker. I still don't look at Hikaru, or at the cut, but from the sound of that gasp and those words he's choking on, it can't be good. Finally he utters, "Okay, don't panic… whatever you do, _don't panic_." He informs me, his voice teetering on the edge of hysteria.

"Hikaru, I'm sorry," I choke out.

"Don't." Is all he says in return before tugging off his green throw-over jacket designed specifically by our mother and wraps it around my arm. "The towels in here are too thick and I need to create a tight tourniquet." He says with a shaky voice, probably to warn me, and to probably keep conversation going to keep himself calm.

And then, without warning, he yanks on both ends, creating a tie that squeezes my arm tightly and sends pain coursing throughout my left arm. I wince and growl harshly, trying to fight back the new wave of tears brought on by the intense pain. Hikaru then reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cell phone. Flipping it open, he presses some keys, then hits another button, and leaves the phone on the ledge of the tub. The phone rings aloud, obviously on speaker, as Hikaru grabs one of the white towels, turns on the tub and wets it, and then begins cleaning the dried blood off my injured hand.

Finally someone picks up.

"Hikaru?" the person answers, without any form of greeting.

It's Kyouya-senpai. But why did Hikaru-

"Kyouya," Hikaru calls out to him, not stopping in his cleaning efforts.

"Yes?" He sounds almost annoyed, but when doesn't he sound annoyed?

"W-We," Hikaru starts, then stops, new tears starting to form in his eyes, "We need your help." He chokes out.

There's a pause on Kyouya's end and for a moment I think he's hung up on us. But then he questions, "What's wrong?"

"Kaoru's hurt."

"How bad?"

"Pretty bad. He may need stitches. We need a private doctor – one who won't say anything. And the only person I could think of was you because we need your help and you know a lot of people and have always come through in the end and if you could just please help us now because Kaoru needs it-" Hikaru was progressing into hysteria as he spoke, but Kyouya cut him off.

"Are you home?"

"Yes. Just walk in and ask one of our servants for our room. We're in there." And with that, the phone clicks, signaling the end of the call. Hikaru sets down the light-red stained towel and flicks his phone closed; I note how the shiny silver is now smeared red in some places.

My head starts swimming and black specks dot my vision as my brother restarts the gentle brushing at the blood on my arm. "Hikaru," I softly call out, "I'm getting tired."

This startles Hikaru. "Well, don't fall asleep. You're not supposed to fall asleep when you suffer from a serious injury, right?"

"That's head trauma, you idiot." The mix-up causes my lips to perk up at the corners, my head making the room tilt at funny angles.

I know this feeling all too well. Now that the panic is over, the endorphins have kicked in, making me feel at peace. With a deeper wound, comes a deeper release of natural morphine, making my high increase as well.

The way the room is teeter-tottering has my stomach doing backflips, and it tickles me. I giggle lightly at the sensation; the way the towel softly brushes against my sensitive skin is doing me no justice either. I can tell Hikaru is thrown back by my chuckling fit because his ministrations gradually slow down. I snicker even more and gaze up to my twin. "Hey Hikaru," I laugh as he looks as me uneasily, "if I'm a Dead Boy, does that mean you're one, too?" Before Hikaru even has time to answer, I turn my head forward and rest it against the ledge of the bathtub and recount the poem that seems to have taken over my life, "One fine day in the middle of the night, Two Dead Boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other."

The poem has me giggling and laughing while I rest against the tub. Then, two arms encircle my neck, one being brought up to stroke my hair in a calming manner. I lean my head on my doppelganger's chest as my amusement soon subsides and I'm left with a strong sense of fatigue again. Hikaru's body is shaking against mine, and I can't tell if he's cold or just as exhausted as I am. Or is he shaking for some other reason entirely? Sadness washes over me suddenly, leaving me feeling desolate and useless. I don't know how I can change from giddy to hopeless in a matter of seconds. "I love you, Hikaru," I whisper to him, more tears forming under my closed eyes. I feel like I owe him that much, at least.

"I love you, too," he replies, sounding a tad confused at my sudden change in topic, or, more likely, the sudden change in my mood. He then snakes an arm under my injured arm and squeezes my torso gently, planting a kiss atop my head and leaning his cheek against my scalp.

"Don't ever leave me," I quaver as the two tears pop out from my closed lids and gently race down my face.

Hikaru says something, but it's mumbled and I'm too tired to even make an attempt at figuring out what the words are. I feel myself drifting off, as well as Hikaru lightly shaking me, but I'm too drained to open my eyes and find out what he wants.

**ii**

I lay awake in my shared bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to Hikaru talk to the doctor, then Kyouya, then the doctor again. My twin bounced back and forth between the two so many times that you would think he was the ball in an aggressive Ping-Pong game. I carefully lift my left arm a bit and crane my neck to get a good view of the neatly done gauze bandages concealing the eight stitches currently woven into my skin. The more I think about what I did, the more perturbed I feel. I mean, the things I did and said to Hikaru – and then how I just flew off the handle and went berserk like that. I don't even remember half of the events from a couple hours ago. All I remember is getting angry, storming into my room, ending up in the bathroom, and next there's a big gash in my arm.

I _know_ what I did, I just don't remember actually doing them.

And at dinner, I'm surprised Hikaru didn't smack me or something. I even egged him on, though he still did nothing.

Our bedroom door was left ajar and I could hear everything Hikaru had gone over with the doctor and with Kyouya-senpai.

Don't even get me started on how I feel about Kyouya being here. I'd be lucky if I'm even allowed _near_ Music Room #3 after this. Or even allowed near Kyouya-senpai himself. Would he really get a restraining order, I wonder?

"No, before I thought it was just a game, for attention. But you should've seen the look on his face, Kyouya. He was so _scared_. Like – like he didn't believe he hurt himself like that, either." I hear Hikaru whisper. I'm supposed to be sleeping, or at least that's what I'm pretending to do so I can eavesdrop. "I don't know what to do. I don't even know how he got this way… you think I would've noticed – why didn't I notice!" Hikaru nearly shouts. I can hear the strain in his voice and I can pick up on the emotions he's going through. Mostly I sense guilt, and a lot of it.

"Hikaru," I hear Kyouya say in a stern tone, "You cannot place the blame on yourself. You'll get nowhere, and fast. Obviously your brother has some issues that need to be worked out."

"Yes," the doctor cuts in. His voice is deep and rumbly, with a hint of an accent I can't place. But I can tell he's not a native of Japan. "Kaoru is suffering from some kind of emotional distress, judging from the way you told me he's been acting differently. And by keeping this from you for so many weeks makes it obvious that he doesn't want anyone to find out, or be let in. Usually in cases like this, the patient is in desperate need to protect themself from outside harm."

My eyes grow wide a little as I hear the doctor speak.

"But Kaoru is already harming _himself_. How can hurting himself help protect him?" I hear Hikaru ask.

"Ah, the million dollar question," the doctor replies, "The answer is different for every patient. Most of the time, the question goes unanswered, perhaps only being answered by the patient himself. When you begin dealing with these types of patients, you try to think like they do. You want to connect with them as best you can to create a bond, and hopefully the patient opens up to you more. But it is a _very slow_ and _time consuming_ process – one false action or sentence could shatter everything. I imagine your brother is feeling detached from the rest of the world. Something is weighing on his mind, something unhealthy, and it's causing him to slowly crumble under its pressure. I would suggest a therapist or an institu-"

"_No_," Hikaru interrupts. He realizes his error, though, and apologizes. "I'm sorry, but no. No therapists and no mental institutions. Kaoru is _my_ brother; I want to be the one looking after him."

"Hikaru, do you think that is wise? You are not a professional." Kyouya intervenes.

"Please, Kyouya. I can't…" Hikaru trails off.

Something suddenly tears at my heart with sharp claws and bared fangs. I clutch at my chest and grit my teeth as the assault slowly climbs up my spine, as well, to viciously claw at my brain.

I'm turning into such a burden for Hikaru. Why won't he ever listen when I tell him to leave? I tell him countless times to go away; maybe he's just not getting the message.

But the thought of Hikaru leaving rips at me even more than the sharp claws and bared fangs of him staying. I don't want him to leave me – I want Hikaru with me!

But he needs to go.

No, I want him to stay.

Go.

Wait.

Leave.

Stay.

This is too much. It hurts too much. Tears are already streaming from my eyes, running past my temples and dripping into the crest of my ears.

Then I make the mistake of sniffling.

That one noise stops the conversation outside my door and it isn't a second later when Hikaru enters our room and is on his knees beside our bed. His face is a warm, welcoming smile, but his eyes glisten with recent sadness. He gently runs his hand through my hair and coos, "Kaoru, what's wrong? Are you alright? Does your arm hurt? Do you need more medicine?" Before I can even answer one of his questions, Hikaru is turned around, asking the doctor if he has any more medicine he can give me.

"Hikaru, I'm fine." I answer with the most convincing smile I can. Hikaru just looks me over for a moment before closing his eyes and resting his forehead against mine, making me close my eyes as well.

"Then why… why are you crying?" He asks, taking my hand in his and giving it a firm squeeze. He picks his head up and I can see Kyouya-senpai and that doctor standing in the doorway of our room. I shift my eyes back to Hikaru, seeing that he's actually waiting for an answer.

I stare him straight in the eyes, able to see myself staring right back. I swallow thickly.

"I don't know." I watch myself in my brother's eyes as I lie right to his face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note:** Sorry if this chapter seems a bit rushed /: I'm going away this weekend, and won't be back until Monday, but I didn't want to leave all you nice reviewers with no new update. So I tried to pump this chapter out as quickly as possible, and still keep it the same quality. I promise, I'll work extra hard on the next chapter, so don't think all my chapters will be as crappy and rushed as this one. Let me know the good, the bad, or the just plain confusing because, as you know, reviews are still as good as ever :)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own OHSHC.

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**Chapter Six: Love brings about Disaster**

It didn't take me long to fall asleep. It was late after all, and I was still exhausted.

And seeing as Hikaru preferred not to bring me to a hospital, I couldn't have an IV placed in my arm to get my fluids back up, so I was instructed to drink _a lot _ofwater.

Which is why I am now up. I _would_ look to the clock on the nightstand by our bed to see what time it is, but unfortunately, it's still lying on the floor across the room where I chucked it. I have a pretty good idea of what time it is though, seeing as a bright light is peaking behind the blue curtains in our room. It's morning, to say the least.

I roll my head gently to my right. The form next to me is lying on his stomach, facing me. His slow, even breaths ghost over my shoulder with every exhale and I notice how he's still dressed in yesterday's clothes, having passed out without even changing. I sigh a little at how tired he still looks. I don't want to disturb him, so I carefully edge myself off of our shared bed and stand very carefully. The room swirls a bit, making me grab the glass of water off the stand and drinking the rest of the liquid in a few gulps.

And that reminds me of why I was getting up in the first place. I _really_ need to _go_.

I yawn quietly as I make my way into our bathroom and close the door without a sound. A flick of the light brightens up the room in an instant; the first thing coming to my attention being the bathroom mirror. Or lack therefore of one. Not only has the broken glass been cleaned up, but the entire mirror itself has been removed from above the sink – I thought Hikaru would've at least replaced it, as to not cause more questions from the servants to arise.

I wonder what else has been added to the "Unsafe" list. But I don't want to think about that. I don't want to think about how much trouble I'm in, or how messed up Hikaru must think I am – how much of a burden I've become on our vacation from school. Or of what Mother and Father are going to think when they arrive home and find everything with even the slightest possibility of causing injury locked up somewhere and being heavily guarded by the maids. Or how much of a disappointment I've become and how long it will take for word to get around school about how much of a freak I am and how I'll become more of a social outcast – if that's even possible – and how I'll have to sit all alone everywhere I go because everyone will want to stay away from me and how I'll eventually just snap and kill myself –

I stop my thoughts right there.

_No, no more thinking. I'm just here to use the bathroom._

I push the grave thoughts from my mind and walk towards the toilet. As I pull down my pants slightly and begin doing my business, I hear a thump in our bedroom, like something heavy falling off a stand. Loud footsteps make their way towards the bathroom door in a rush, and I already know what's going to happen. I pull my pants back up after I finish, just in time for the door to swing open.

I gaze up at Hikaru sadly, feeling guiltier than ever. His eyes are first scanning the floor for a split-second before realizing that I'm standing. I reach out solemnly and flush the toilet, then look back to Hikaru. I can't even go to the bathroom anymore without Hikaru feeling like he needs to rush to my rescue. "I was just…" I trial off weakly.

Hikaru breathes in deeply and relaxes his body. "It's okay," he smiles reassuringly, "I overreacted." He runs a hand through his hair and blows air passed his lips. "Next time, just tell me, okay?"

I nod sullenly. "I-I want to shower, too, Hikaru." I softly state, reflecting on the fact that I haven't bathed in a few _days_.

"Alright. I'll go look for something we can use to cover your stitches with." Hikaru's smile falters slightly as he glances at the gauze covering my arm. He then pauses for a second, and walks towards me. After placing a hand on my shoulder he gently asks, "You okay?"

I smile up at my brother. "Yeah. Just waking up still, I guess." Hikaru eyes me up and down, making me feel a little uncomfortable. Without warning, Hikaru wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me close, burying his face in the crook of my neck.

It catches me off guard and I flinch away from his touch, but Hikaru's grasp does not let up. Actually, he pulls me closer, holding me tighter. I feel awkward like this.

Half a minute of this awkward stance ensues until I finally bring my arms up, careful of my left one, and try prying Hikaru's arms off of my body. "Hikaru… you're choking me." I pretend to rasp, hoping my lie will make him let go.

"Oh, sorry." He falls for it. He eases back, but still grips my shoulders, cautious of my stitches, and smiles at me. "You get your clothes together, I'll go see what we have for your arm. And I'll make sure breakfast is ready for you when you get out. What do you want to eat?"

Seriously, food does not sound appealing right now. Sitting alone in a dark room by myself sounds appealing – recalling the events that happened yesterday at the dinner table puts me off even more. "I-I don't know," I answer and break our gaze.

"Well, you have to eat something, Kaoru. You have to get your strength back – you… Uh, you lost a lot of blood-"

"Yeah, yeah, don't you think I know that?" I interrupt my brother and shrug out of his grasp, taking a step back. Hikaru looks confused, which just makes me sigh. "You decide what we'll have for breakfast. Surprise me." I try and smile my best, but I'm sure it comes out just as messed up looking as the rest of me.

I don't wait for Hikaru to say anything else. I make my way from the bathroom and into our room. As I open one of the drawers to my dresser, searching for new clothes, Hikaru also exits the bathroom, walks past me, and exits our bedroom. He closes the door behind him, and for a moment it's quiet on the other side, until I hear a snap of fingers and Hikaru calling out something, followed by a gentle voice belonging to one of the caretakers. I hear his muffled voice say a few things, but the only words I can make out are "stay here" and "few minutes."

I sigh and bang my head roughly against my dresser. Of course he'd have the maids still watching me, why would I think any different? Nothing has changed, if anything they've gotten worse. Will I even get _any_ silverware at breakfast? Would Hikaru stoop down to actually feeding me himself?

The very thought has me face-palming and shaking my head at such an embarrassing idea. There is no way I'd let him do that. I'd sooner starve than be treated like a baby. Just thinking about how I'm going to be dealt with sends my blood pumping.

Can't everyone just leave me alone? Yesterday was a complete accident – and this is my first time ever having stitches. I know what I'm doing when I hold the blade… for the most part. As long as I don't drink, I'm in total control and I know my limits. Yesterday was a fluke and nothing more.

So why does everyone insist on treating me like I'm so incompetent? If I've been doing this for weeks without anyone finding out, and _not_ harming myself to the point of hospital trips, then obviously I wasn't being stupid about it.

Can't they see they're hurting me more by taking everything away then just letting me have them in the first place? That was my only stress reliever, so what am I supposed to do now?

I grumble in my throat and pluck clean garments from my dresser just as Hikaru reappears; he walks into the room with not only fresh gauze and medical tape most likely left by the doctor, but a thin, rectangular box as well. He rubs the back of his head, examining the box, and says, "I was thinking more along the lines of 'plastic bag' to wrap around your arm, ya know, like the commoners do. But I can't find any, so I decided… Saran Wrap?"

It was more a question than a statement. I stare at my brother. "Saran Wrap?" I repeat with doubt.

"Well, yeah," he defends, "We could just wrap it around your stitches and tape it, I guess. You just have to be sure not to get it that wet and you should be fine."

I sigh audibly.

What other choice do I have?

**ii**

Breakfast looks as unappetizing as ever. Even though my stomach growls, I can' find the motivation to place the sustenance in my mouth. Although, seeing Hikaru scrutinize me from the corner of his eye makes me feel uncomfortable, and I know the only way to make him stop. I pick up my fork and shove a piece of the pre-cut meal into my mouth, barely chewing it, and swallow it. The new gauze itches my skin where it was applied and I want to scratch at it so bad, but I was already scolded for that action on our way to the dining room. My hips went untouched, though, which I guess is good – the less irritation the better. Hikaru deemed them well enough to not cause need for covering, and he said air is good for a healing wound; he probably wants to save as much gauze as possible. Just in case. But my forearms are wrapped along with my stitches. I'm wearing another long-sleeved shirt, this one black, to conceal the medical dressings, and a green t-shirt over that. There are only two little cuts on my knuckles from where the glass from the mirror cut into me, but they are too insignificant to do anything with.

Hikaru had the cooks prepare blueberry pancakes and sausage – plenty of syrup. There had to be at least 3 bottles of the stuff on the table.

I could already tell a knife would not be supplied to me when I saw my food already cut up, but Hikaru nonchalantly picked up his and began cutting up his food after he seated himself.

I guess this is what you'd call "tough love", huh? Having a very delectable breakfast prepared to please me, while still denying me the right to "wield" specific silverware.

This sucks.

Although, I can't resist the alluring smell of the meal even though my stomach protests against the idea. After the first bite, I can tell Hikaru is pleased that I'm not putting up a fight like last night. But can this breakfast be anymore awkward? Neither of us are saying a thing, even though I'm sure there's a ton Hikaru would like to. I stab another fork full of pancake and force it into my mouth, making my pile of food grow smaller.

Ugh, this is becoming _unbearable_. I just want to be left alone and not monitored for one, lousy second. Is that too much to ask? I sigh heavily and reach for my cup of orange juice, bringing it to my lips and washing away the syrup taste. As I set the glass down, something catches my attention just outside my field of view. I stop short, looking only for a brief moment as to not draw unwanted attention to the object I've spotted.

It's funny; one moment you're feeling mopey and hollow without a goddamn thing to care about, and then the next, your heart is picking up speed and your blood is pulsing at an incredible rate, and you get that rush of adrenaline spreading throughout your torso, full excitement. Suddenly, you have a mission to complete. It's so small and unnoticeable, and it makes me thank Mother for sometimes cluttering up the dining table when working on her latest fashion designs.

The hair-thin metal object seems to wink at me as it reflects light, but only for a moment before I move and it disappears out of sight once more. But now I know – I know the sewing needle is there, and it's waiting for me. Hikaru's gaze shifts to mine, and I quickly give him a smile, picking up my fork and shoveling more food into my mouth. "This is actually pretty good," I smile at him. _How am I going to get the needle without Hikaru noticing?_

Hikaru's eyes light up and a smile spreads across his face. "Good. I'm glad you like it," he answers. I load up my fork with more pancakes and sausage bits and happily place them in my mouth to please my brother even further. He grins back and does the same with his.

With my heart racing, and a number of thoughts on how I'm going to achieve my goal sprinting through my mind, I almost miss when Hikaru speaks again, "Hey, when we're done, maybe we can go play video games or something? We haven't played in a while."

_Bingo_! I've got it! I turn my head towards my brother and summon up the best face of excitement I can, which is pretty easy seeing as I really _am_ excited. "I think that sounds like a fantastic idea, Hikaru," I agree with false anticipation as I reach forth towards my glass of orange juice again. Instead of grabbing it, I knock over the glass, spilling the juice all over the table. I try my best to look shocked as Hikaru's reflexes cause him to try and stop the mess from happening, but failing. "I-I'm sorry," I stutter out immediately, "I'm sorry, Hikaru!"

"It's alright, Kaoru," Hikaru coos, obviously trying to calm me down.

"Are you sure?" I ask as timidly as possible, placing a hand to my chest and glancing up at Hikaru. I guess all those times acting as the "submissive" brother at Host Club actually paid off.

"Yeah, it was an accident. I'll go get something to clean this up with." Hikaru announces. I can feel him plant a kiss on the top of my head and ruffle my hair as he passes by and swings open the door to the kitchen.

I waste no time in leaning under the table, digging at the sewing needle on the floor, until I realize that it's wedged under the table's leg – meaning it must've been here a while. I move the table with a grunt and pick up the slightly curved needle between my forefinger and thumb, wracking my brain with the question, "_Where?" _My eyes dart to and fro, only stopping when I hear the door swing back open, and then I just sink the sharp item through the fabric of my shirt and stick it into the skin just to the right of the crook of my elbow.

The sting of the puncture causes my hand to jerk and a voice in my head shrieks, "_Get it out!_" but I just ignore it and look to Hikaru, keeping my arms in my lap, concealed under the table. My twin is carrying two dish rags which he sets on the table and starts dabbing at the spilled juice. I can feel that high just ever so slightly, making me crave more, but I play it cool, bringing my other hand from under the table to help move dishes aside.

"I'm sorry, Hikaru," I apologize again. Hikaru laughs a little at this.

"I said it's okay, Kaoru. I'll get this cleaned up so we can finish eating, then we can go play those games," Hikaru responds, moving plates and cups out of the way to clean more. I just smile up at him, really smiling at the way the needle sends tiny pricks of pain every time I somewhat move, teasing me.

The orange juice is wiped clean from the table within a couple minutes, and Hikaru turns to hand the soaking rags to the servants for cleaning, but I stop him, another idea rising in my mind. "Uh, Hikaru," I pipe up. Hikaru immediately turns to me. "Since… since I spilled my drink, could you get me some more? I promise to be more careful this time…" _Why am I such a genius?_ By the look on my twin's face, I must be pretty freaking adorable right now. Without saying anything, he lifts my empty glass from the table and walks towards the kitchen again.

I don't even wait until he's out of the room. As soon as his back is turned, I pluck the needle from my skin, push my sleeve up to my elbow and eye the tiny spot of blood bubbling up from the pinprick. I make three more holes across my forearm, making a sort of line. Each poke has the same consistency as poking through a sheet of plastic wrap – a slight _pop_ at first, then smooth the rest of the way. I can feel my high start to grow and it tickles me a little and makes my heart race exhilaration.

Every time I drive the needle into my arm, a sensation closely related to "_no_" and "_stop_" resonates through me, but that just pushes me to continue until there are six little holes in a neat row, welling blood. And out of curiosity, I draw a line down my arm, seeing if the sharp tip will cause a cut. Sadly, though, it only turns out to be a scratch. I can't say I'm surprised though – needles are meant to poke, not cut.

I hear footsteps approaching, so I hurry and make a few more pokes, driving the needle almost halfway in on the last one. The door then swings open and Hikaru walks in, fresh glass of juice in his hand. I'm already swimming in a delicious haze, so it's not hard for me to put a sincere grin on my face. I hide my injured arm under the table while my right arm rests on top of it, waiting to take my cup from my brother.

My mood has totally shifted, and I can finally enjoy the mind-numbing happiness I've yearned for. Last night's high doesn't count seeing as I was too busy panicking to fully enjoy it, and then when I did settle down, I ended up falling asleep.

_Ah,_ _sweet bliss_, I comment to myself, _How I've missed–_

"Kaoru," Hikaru snaps, making me jerk my head up to him. He's holding my cup, I realize.

"Oh, thank you," I smile at him and reach for my cup. But Hikaru pulls it out of my reach.

"Use your other hand," he commands in a dangerous tone.

"What?" I instantly question as my eyes grow wide.

"You heard me," Hikaru spits, "If you want your drink, use your other hand."

"C'mon, Hikaru. Stop playing games, I wanna finish–"

"_No_," Hikaru interrupts with enough venom to kill a large elephant, "you stop playing games, Kaoru. I know you've done something, now let me see."

"How could you possibly know?" I retort, my small high being overpowered by my emerging anger.

"I've spent enough time observing you the last couple of days to know."

"Oh yeah? How's that?"

"You're eyes – they're blank. You don't even look like Kaoru, you look _dead_." Hikaru hisses, slamming the cup onto the table and spilling a few drops on impact. He then marches his way around the table towards me; I shirk away from my brother and thrust my arm forward as far as it will go to hide it.

"_Go away_," I order, as well as bring my flared hand up in protest. Yet, Hikaru ignores my instruction and proceeds forward, snatching my wrist, none-too-gently, triggering me to stand. I shove my injured arm behind my back, out of sight, and attempt to wrench my arm free. I can feel my anger rising fast. I growl in my throat just looking at my brother. "I don't like you touching me," I pronounce very carefully through clenched teeth, my eyes never leaving his as I speak.

"What do you mean you don't like me t–" Hikaru's words are cut short when my rage reaches its peak and I bring my concealed arm forward. I waste no time in smashing my fist into Hikaru's cheek. His head snaps to the left from the force, his eyes widening, but his grip never loosening.

But I freeze, especially when I see the tiny line of red trickle from the corner of my twin's mouth. In my moment of shock, Hikaru grabs my injured arm in a hold tighter than the other. He flips my arm over and eyes the thin piece of metal still stuck in my skin. His eyes then roam over the neat row of eight-or-so puncture holes as well as the red line where I failed to make an incision.

"You planned this…" He trails off, more voicing his thoughts than stating it.

"Hikaru, I _need_ this," I blurt out. I instantly regret it when Hikaru looks up at me.

"What do you mean you 'need this'?" Hikaru shouts. He then shifts his attention to the needle still jammed in my arm; his face showing his contemplation on whether to leave it in, or take it out himself. So I choose for him. I shake loose my right wrist and immediately grasp and yank the sharp object out of my forearm, wincing slightly as a burning sensation ensues and blood rises in its place. Hikaru looks like he's going to be sick. I want to try and make him understand. I hold my mother's sewing needle up, half covered in my blood and smile slightly.

"See? It's nothing. These are only tiny holes, much less severe than the cuts. And it works, too–"

"You're saying it like this is acceptable!" Hikaru explodes, taking a step back. I can't tell whether he's mad, disgusted, or sad. It's weird seeing his face like this – he's never had to make a face like that before, much less at me.

"I'm just trying to make you understand! Hikaru," I plead, "I need this. Taking away everything is only making me want it more, but if you just let me have this," I motion to the needle, "then I think I'll be fine and you won't have to–"

"Okay, fine!" Hikaru shrieks, throwing his arms up in defeat. He turns on his heels and heads for the kitchen door.

… Where is he going? Has his patience finally reached its limits?

Is he giving up?

I can't move; the sight of Hikaru disappearing through the kitchen door makes my stomach drop. _He's leaving me_, I think to myself. _He's sick of me. He's had enough. _

My heart starts racing and my breathing rate increases. I don't know what to do – should I leave, too? Should I go to our room? Or should I just leave the house altogether, finally giving Hikaru the peace he's desiring?

But I don't want to leave! And I don't want Hikaru to leave either!

Just then, Hikaru walks back into the dining room. Although, something's wrong. He's holding an object in his hand that makes my blood run cold. And still, I can't find the resolve to move. I can only stare as Hikaru stops in front of me, pulls me forward, and sits me back down in my chair. He plucks the needle from my hand and sets it on the table a little ways away.

My brother drags his chair over until it's right in front of me. His face scares me. His expression is of a sullen determination as he takes the object in his hand and places it in mine.

It's a knife.

It's a sharp, sleek, chef knife. Just the feel of the handle in my hand sends shivers down my spine. But, why is Hikaru giving this to me? This has to be some kind of trick. I hear Hikaru speak, snapping me out of my thoughts, "If you '_need'_ to cause pain, if you '_need'_ to hurt like you say you do, then by all means, be my guest." Hikaru then unbuttons the right cuff of his shirt and tugs it halfway up his arm. The sound of his arm slamming down in front of me onto the table makes me jump. I gaze at my brother's bare arm, palm facing upwards, before looking to him. "Cut _me_," he says smoothly.

I swear my heart just skipped a beat. "… _What_?" Is all I manage to say.

"You heard me. I can't make you stop, and obviously you aren't going to on your own. I've tried reasoning, I've tried punishing, hell I'd get down on my hands and knees and kiss your _ass_ if it meant you'd stop. I'm all out of ideas, Kaoru. So, every time you feel the need to cause pain, I want you to take it out on me instead."

I sit and stare at Hikaru as he speaks. He wants me to _what_? He can't be serious! I grip the handle tighter which makes it stand straight up on my thigh. There's no way I'm going to–

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Hikaru barks. He places his hand over mine and helps me bring the knife to his clean forearm and rests it on his skin. "Do it already!" _No_, I want to yell, but the word gets stuck in my throat, adding to the lump that has already formed. Staring at the sharp blade positioned on Hikaru's skin causes my eyes to glisten and my face to grow hot. This can't be real. He can't be making me do this!

But my fears are confirmed when my twin grips my hand again, seeing as I'm going to do this voluntarily, and pushes down on the knife. And my anxiety only worsens the second he begins dragging the blade across his arm.

I can't take it. At the very first signs of distress forming on Hikaru's face, I completely lose it. "_Hikaru, stop_!" I scream, startling my brother. I take the opportunity to lift the sharp object away from Hikaru and throw it to the floor in one fluid movement. I instantly fall to my knees, throw my arms around Hikaru's torso, and burry my face in his shirt. "I'm sorry," I cry into his shirt. Realizing my pleas are muffled, I tilt my head to the side so my voice can be heard better. "I'm sorry! Please, no more!" I sob, hot tears streaming down my face and soaking into my twin's designer shirt.

"Why not, Kaoru?" I hear his shaky voice proclaim. "Why is it okay for you to do it, but not me? Maybe I want to damage myself, too!"

"_NO!_" I shriek and clutch my brother tighter. "No, no, no!" I know what he's doing, and I know what point he's trying to make. It's breaking my heart, and I thought I was going to snap the second the blade caused my twin pain. I pull back a bit and bring his right arm down so I can examine it. A little cut, no bigger than my thumbnail, sticks out on his arm, though it's barely bleeding, showing how much my brother was holding back. Of course he didn't really want to hurt himself.

Still, seeing how close my twin was to actually achieving what I achieve has me shaking and crying like I've witnessed a murder. Hikaru doesn't deserve something like _this_. He shouldn't have to feel that kind of pain because of someone like _me_.

Because of _nothing_.

I lean my head down and plant a kiss on his scratch, then look up to my brother. "I'm sorry," I repeat, "I'm sorry. Don't… just don't…"

Hikaru falls to his knees in front of my and wraps his arms around me. I continue to ball into his chest, unable to shake the low-life feeling that has settled in my stomach like a heavy rock. Hikaru runs his fingers through my hair as he holds me tighter.

We can't continue on like this.

_I_ can't continue on like this.

I can't go on knowing that I'm causing Hikaru so much stress, causing him to injure himself just as I injure myself.

I know what I must do.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** Here's chapter 7! I hope you all enjoy and review :) Oh, and btw, I posted a new one-shot a few days ago. I had a hard time getting to bed one night and just decided to try out some humour instead of angst for once. So, go check it out. Or don't. Just letting you guys know of new OHSHC I post so you don't think I'm keeping stuff from you. And yes, it stars Kaoru and Hikaru. Anyway, I've read, and reread this chapter so many times that I'm tired of it, so I think it sucks. I tried to add a little more to make up for last weeks rushed one, but I don't think I supplied you with what you guys deserve /: Well, just let me know if it's too long, because it's certainly the longest chapter I've ever written. I had a hard time picking a spot to leave off at.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own. Do I really have to keep saying this?

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Help brings about The Worst**

I don't want to play anymore. This game is no longer fun. And it seems like no one is winning anyway.

Why is it that when I'm supposed to fall asleep, I'm never able to, but passing out on the bathroom floor seems to come naturally to me? Well, I guess you could say I wasn't necessarily ordered to sleep, more like rest while my brother tended to something. He must be pretty out of it, seeing as he left me here in the living room with no supervision.

But I can't blame him. After what happened between us at breakfast, I guess I completely shut down, too. What Hikaru tried to make me do hurt me worse than any injury I administered myself over the past few weeks. If you asked me how long we stayed locked in our embrace, I couldn't tell you. All I know is that when my twin finally did make an attempt at shifting his position, I wouldn't – or should I say _couldn't_ – move. Not even when he said my name and asked me to stand. I just kept my arms fastened around his torso, my mind unable to comprehend his words. Hikaru had to basically pry my arms from his waist, then sling one over his shoulders and walk me to the couch in the next room.

I could only stare, my eyes fixated on nothing in particular when he laid me down. He kneeled down in front of me and said something, only I wasn't listening. It was like my mind closed up and refused me any type of reaction. I only felt numb.

Hikaru said something else, sniffing afterwards and wiping at his eyes. After a few more moments of him observing me, he leaned down and planted a kiss on the side of my forehead. He quickly ran a hand through my hair before walking out of the room and into the grand hall.

It wasn't two minutes later when I heard Hikaru speaking softly. And since I couldn't hear anyone answer him, I decided he had to be either talking to himself, or on the phone. Hearing Hikaru whispering in the other room had my ears trying to desperately pick up any words that I could. After that, the rest of my senses slowly returned, and before I knew it, I was on my feet and walking towards the hall where my twin was trying to be quiet.

And now I'm standing here, listening to Hikaru curb his tone as it wavers between controlled calm and disgruntled misery.

"I know, I know," I hear Hikaru mumble. There's a pause, then Hikaru speaks again, "Okay, maybe it wasn't the smartest thing, but what else was I supposed to do? I thought I could handle this. Kaoru would never forgive me if I just sent him away. He's _my_ brother, _my_ responsibility." His next words are choked, thick with fatigue. "Please, I feel like I'm going out of my mind, here. And maybe I am, with the last stunt I pulled." He pauses, obviously letting the other person answer before continuing, "I-I don't know – I think I… _broke_ him or something! He won't move, or talk. I really messed him up, I think. I need help – from people he can trust." Another pause, then another response, "No, absolutely not. Our parents are away right now, and besides, them knowing would only make things worse. They would probably _want_ to ship Kaoru off to some loony bin." After yet another slightly longer pause, Hikaru gives a relieved sigh and speaks, "Alright, thank you."

A click of the phone signals that Hikaru is done with his phone call. I don't even attempt to make it back to the couch before Hikaru rounds the corner and sees that I've moved. I lean my back against the wall and slide down it, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around myself. No sooner do I complete my defensive pose does Hikaru reenter the room. I hear him sharply take in a breath, most likely his eyes landing on the empty sofa that was supposed to be holding my form, but then I feel his eyes looking to me at his feet. The hairs on the back of my neck rise when my twin crouches down beside me and places a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey," I hear him coo as if he were greeting me after I woke up from a nap. It takes a few moments, but I finally pick my head up from my knees and gaze at my brother.

I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, _I hate this_. I notice Hikaru's other hand positioned on one of my knees; the sleeve still unbuttoned and resting halfway down his arm. I peel my arms from around my body and, without making a noise, grab that arm and flip it over, palm facing towards the ceiling. The tiny red line that stuck out on his flawless, pale skin has my mind spinning with a frenzy of emotions. I can see the blood just a few layers short of breaking free beneath it which sends my stomach doing flips.

No use in trying to hold them back. I'm too tired to do that anymore. I let the tears flow freely, only to land on my brother's forearm and drip down, continuing their decent towards the floor. I snap my head up to Hikaru and shift uncomfortably in my seat on the floor; the uneasiness, the shame, the guilt, the restless sensation of '_What have I done?'_ making it impossible to sit still. I want to rid myself of these damn feelings, and shaking my head seems to be the only option I have.

"Kaoru," Hikaru whispers as he removes his arm from my grasp to take hold of my shoulders for what seems like the hundredth time. "Kaoru, please, listen to me. That wasn't your fault – I shouldn't have made you do that. Please, talk to me!"

I can feel my tears fly from my face as I shake my head faster and struggle to put space between my brother and I. Although, seeing as there is a wall directly behind me, I can't go anywhere. "Kaoru, tell me what's wrong. _Tell me_." Hikaru pleads; his voice taking on the same tone mine would if I were talking. I didn't think it was possible, but I shake my head even faster. I begin to maneuver my body to the left in an attempt to get away from Hikaru, but I only accomplish twisting and leaning my side up against the wall.

I feel like I'm trapped and I don't like it. My breaths are coming out laboured and my tears continue to pour. I just want my body to somehow merge with the wall, just so I can be free of Hikaru's crying and pleading. I bury my face in the wall when Hikaru pulls me into an embrace and thrusts his face into my neck, just under my ear. "Please… please. Just talk to me. Tell me what's wrong," he begs.

I can't stand the amount of hurt in his voice, the amount of strain. Oh, how much of a burden I must be on my brother. I cannot continue to hurt him like this. Because I know, even though I want Hikaru to leave, I will never be able to move on when he does. But he never will; not if I'm like this.

I will never get a moment to myself if Hikaru is around.

I am very contradictive. I want Hikaru here, by my side, holding my hand like we used to. I want him and I to smile and laugh and mess around with Tamaki-senpai like old times. I know Hikaru wants to be able to experience the world, to meet new people, and perhaps start a family of his own, someday. The very thought sends my blood boiling with rage.

But he won't do anything of those things – not with me around. I just want my beloved twin to be happy, and not have to worry over something as unimportant and bothersome as me. That's why it is so hard for me to make this decision. I want Hikaru, always. Although, I am unfixable. I will never allow him those luxuries in life.

He can only experience them if I am no longer around.

If I am no longer _alive_.

**ii**

I guess I must've fallen asleep. I only remember wanting Hikaru to let me go and wishing I could somehow just disappear, and then… nothing.

My body is leaning on something warm and soft, and something else just as equally warm and soft is stroking from the top of my head to the base of my skull. My eyes feel puffy and swollen, but my breath comes out even and smooth.

I am completely relaxed, something I haven't felt in a long, long time. A low vibration tickles my ear, making me smirk ever so slightly. I'd be content resting against this warm object for the rest of my life. It's only then do I notice there is something slung around me, protectively hugging my body close.

There is another vibration that tickles my ear, but this time, I recognize it as words. "We've been like this for a little while. He must be so tired."

A voice close by answers, throwing me off guard and almost making me jump. "He really does look awful. Has he said anything?"

It's Milord. Tamaki Suoh. His voice is low and serious.

"No, nothing. I didn't want to pry at first. I thought that maybe making him feel bad about what he was doing would make him realize how stupid he was being and he would open up to me himself. But we just ended up arguing instead and he ended up severely hurting himself, which is when I called Kyouya. I wanted to be strong for Kaoru, so I stayed stern, but backed off a bit. I hadn't even asked him any questions and he's already went berserk. But after I found him stabbing himself with a needle, I guess I kind of flew off the handle, too. I don't know what I was thinking. And now, he won't even talk to me."

So, this warm, soft object that is making me feel so safe and comfortable is my brother, Hikaru? I wish it was still a mystery, maybe then those feelings of security and ease would still be present, instead of gradually diminishing.

It's quiet for a couple of minutes after my brother finished talking. That is, until a female voice shatters it. "This is insane," she shrieks, immediately receiving shushes from several different people. Hikaru's arm tightens around me as Haruhi resumes her statement, in a much less shrill tone, "Are we just going to let Kaoru continue doing this, or are we going to wake him up and demand answers? This kind of behaviour is unbelievable – especially with no explanation."

"I believe sleep is the best thing, for now," Kyouya jumps in. "I don't exactly think he'll be 'jumping for joy' when he wakes up and sees all of us gathered in his home."

"You think Kao-chan will really be upset with us being here?" A tiny voice that could only belong to Honey-senpai asks timidly. "We only want to help."

"Who's to say? Kaoru has been acting very different lately. I don't know what to expect from my son anymore." Tamaki says aloud. From the way a slight breeze keeps ghosting over my skin, I'd say he's busying himself with pacing back and forth.

"You don't look so good either, Hika-chan," Honey sullenly examines. I feel Hikaru give a small shrug as his answer.

"You haven't been getting enough rest, either, have you?" Kyouya probes.

"How am I supposed to?" Hikaru all but snaps, as if the answer should be plainly obvious. "I'm too worried to sleep. I'm afraid that if I doze off, Kaoru will sneak away and hurt himself again."

"Well, we're here now," I hear Miss A-cup point out, "If anything happens, we'll be here to stop it. Trust us, Kaoru won't be able to do anything; not with us around."

Hearing those words causes my heart to skip a beat and my blood to run cold. It finally sinks in – everyone is here to _watch_ me. The entire Host Club is assembled in my living room, bent on making sure I can't seek the relief I desperately crave.

I can feel their eyes on my form now. The way they must be observing me, scrutinizing me up and down, taking in every detail and making assumptions; _judging_ me. Why must they be here to mock me – to hold me down and force me to watch as they drive Hikaru and I farther apart.

My body flinches back from the thought and my eyes pop open, a reaction much unanticipated. I lift my gaze slowly, only stopping when it connects with my brother's. However, his eyes aren't the ones I'm worried about right now, no; I roll my eyes to their corners before turning my head in the direction of the five intruders. As I had predicted, they are all eyeing me. Tamaki-senpai and Honey-senpai share equally concerned expression as Haruhi wears a questioning gaze, Kyouya-senpai and Mori-senpai's faces are unreadable, although I think that puts me off just as much, coming to the conclusion that maybe they don't know _what_ to feel.

I don't like staring. I don't like _their_ staring. It makes me feel bad, like the room is gradually getting smaller and somehow making the room a hundred degrees hotter. My vision starts to blur and I shift uncomfortably under the Host Club's prying eyes, but before my tears can fall, a hand grabs my face and forces my head to turn. "Kaoru," Hikaru speaks, trying to grasp my attention. I look at him, but look away almost immediately. His eyes are causing the same constricting, dreadful emotion to rise from the pit of my stomach up into my chest and squeeze at my heart with an unforgiving strength.

I back away, prompting Hikaru to hold onto me even tighter. That doesn't do well for the confined perception I already have. I struggle weakly to release my face from Hikaru's grasp, but he only continues to talk in a calm manner, his grip never faltering, "Kaoru, listen to me. You're _fine_, okay? No one here is going to hurt you, so you don't have to be afraid." I shake my head as best I can and shut my eyes tight, the tears that were collecting being set free and spilling down my face, only to stop at my twin's hand. "Kaoru, talk to me, please," Hikaru pleads.

I just want to be let go. I don't want to be around these people, and I don't want to be around Hikaru. A whine rises in my throat with the strain of trying to pull away, but failing. Since escaping Hikaru seems impossible, I settle for clinging to him, instead. I hide my head in the crook of my twin's shoulder and fist the front of his shirt with both hands.

My sobs soon turn to hiccups, an uncontrollable breathing pattern rising within me. I don't know why I'm crying so much at this particular moment. Perhaps, it is because the Host Club is _here_, actually inside of my _home_? Here to break down the last bit of the walls Hikaru and I had spent so long constructing, and finally set him free from me?

"Can someone get him a glass of water, please," Hikaru impatiently requests as my hiccups and sobs rack my body mercilessly.

"Right," Haruhi speaks up first and disappears through the doorway.

"Anything we can do?" Honey asks in an uncomfortable tone. It must be unsettling for them to just stand there while I cry my eyes out all over my brother's shirt.

"Kaoru," Hikaru calmly speaks to me and softly rubs my back. I try my best to silence myself in order to listen, however my body still gives off the occasional jerks and twitches with every hiccup. "Would you like any? Are you hungry, are you tired?"

Oh, Hikaru. I know you're making the effort to be patient with me, but how I wish you would just give up this act and leave already. Why do you have to make it so agonizingly slow? Is it more fun for you this way? Is it funnier to do it slow and painful, then quick and easy? In this game we're playing, it seems neither of us are winning. I want you to let go, and I want to leave – but I won't allow you to do either. We're both losing as the walls around us, protecting us, slowly crumble under the weight of your curiosity to explore new things.

Neither of us are going to win at this game.

"_Two Dead Boys_…" I mumble into Hikaru's shoulder between hiccups.

'What?" Hikaru questions and tries to remove my mouth from his shoulder to listen better. Just then, Haruhi arrives in the room with a tall glass of water. It makes me realize just how raw my throat had become from sobbing and crying.

"Here." She hands the glass off to Hikaru who takes it and looks to me.

"Here, Kaoru, drink this," he offers and moves the glass towards my face. I just shirk away and bury my face deeper into the crook of his neck. "Kaoru, come on. You have to drink this – it'll calm you down." I render no movement, except grip Hikaru's shirt tighter. I swear I'm going to rip it if I hold any more firmly. "Drink," Hikaru commands a little more harshly. I only moan my protest in my neck.

Suddenly, someone else crouches down next to us and situates a hand between my shoulder blades. I flinch visibly at the presence of another being, way too close, and peak from the corner of my eye. "Kaoru," Milord speaks with a delicate smile, "why won't you drink? It'll make you feel better, so you can sort of think of it like medicine. But I promise it doesn't taste as bad." He gives a bigger smile and tilts his head to the side a tad.

Milord is such an idiot.

Hard to believe he can actually dress himself in the morning.

Tamaki puts both hands on both sides of my shoulders and begins pulling me away, but the feeling of separating from Hikaru, combined with the pain of his hand harshly pressing against my stitched up skin, causes me to gasp allowed. "His cut," Hikaru calls out and grabs Tamaki-senpai's hand. Hikaru stops, seeing his rude gesture, and quickly releases his hand. "He has stitches there…" he explains weakly.

The abrupt pain caused by Tamaki's error is like a slap in the face to me; it gives me a jolt and kicks my brain into gear, almost similar to the rush of drinking an energy drink. I sit up a bit on my own as Milord, holding me atop my shoulders this time, pulls me away from Hikaru.

Hikaru's face is a little surprised, perhaps at how easily I've let go this time. I take the glass from my twin's hand before he can offer it and bring it to my lips. Some of the liquid spills from the corners of my mouth as I hastily chug all of the contents, quelling my hitching breath and ceasing the twitching caused by them.

I hate how the only sound being emitted in this room is my noisy gulps. Seriously, is it that much of a wonder to see me drinking water?

_Stop staring at me!_

Stop glaring at me like I'm some kind of science experiment, or some wild animal you've spotted in your backyard rummaging through your garbage.

I am not a wild animal. I am Kaoru Hitachiin, and I just want everybody to _leave me alone_.

I finally empty the last drops of water into my mouth. Although, my mood shifts to an angered one with the strongest sense to destroy something, and since my skin is not an option right now, I choose the cup resting in my hand. As soon as I lower the glass from my lips, I whip my arm back, almost striking Tamaki-senpai, and fling it towards the wall a few feet behind Hikaru. It bounces off with a cracking sound and falls to the floor, a few shards following after.

There, that'll give them something to stare at.

I see Honey-senpai visibly cringe at the noise caused by the breaking glass, and Mori-senpai embrace him from behind. I just resume my sitting position, only this time, with my legs flung out in front of me, my back against the wall, and my arms crossed over my chest.

"And what was the point of that?" Hikaru interrogates none too nicely.

I don't answer him. I just carry on with my pouting demeanor. I'm not going to give the Host Club the satisfaction of seeing me react.

"You have to say something, Kaoru. How are we supposed to help you if you don't talk to us?" Tamaki mutters in his oh-so-kind tone.

"Help me?" I all but shriek and glare at Tamaki-senpai. My sudden outburst seems to catch everybody off guard. "_You_ want to help _me_? How do you possibly think you're going to do that?"

"We're going to try our best," Tamaki answers cooly, his face portraying nothing but compassion, "because that's what friends do."

Friends? _Friends_? We're not friends! How could we possibly be friends? Just the thought has my blood pumping. There is no way we could ever be friends. There is just no way. Something along the lines of guilt eats away at me, as well, making my anger only rise. And, suddenly, I want to cause pain. I want to hurt myself like never before. I need an outlet for my anger, and that's when my eyes fall on Tamaki-senpai. "How are you going to help me when you can't even fix your own problems," I rudely spit at Tamaki, "You're forced to live alone in that second estate while your father and grandmother live it up in their real house. Oh, and how's that mother of yours? Have you made any attempt at trying to find her? I mean she _is_ sick isn't she? And yet her own son abandoned her to come live in Japan. Wow, I wonder if she hates you as much as your grandmother does–"

"_Kaoru_!" A voice shouts. Surprisingly, it's not Tamaki's voice, but Kyouya-senpai's. I whip my head in his direction to expose his glaring eyes, his set jaw, and his fists clenched tightly at his sides. Kyouya-senpai's notebook is on the floor next to his feet, left open to some random page, and his pen is a few inches away. "That's enough," he warns with a voice full of venom.

His "intimidating" stance only challenges me further. "_That's enough_?" I repeat and scramble to my feet. "It's never enough! Especially not for you. Hey, here's something to write down in that useless notebook of yours: why don't you calculate how long it will take you to realize that no matter what you do, you'll never be able to crawl out of the shadows of your brothers and amount to anything?"

Abruptly, I'm thrown up against the wall, hands tightly wound in my shirt. Kyouya's head is inches from my own, portraying a face I've never seen before; his eyes are ablaze with fury, glasses slid carelessly down the bridge of his nose, teeth clenched so tightly that I hear them grinding. "You arrogant little bastard…" He seethes.

"Kyouya-senpai, let go of him!" Hikaru says and tries to pry Kyouya's hands from my shirt.

"Yes, please, Kyouya," Tamaki gasps and places a hand on his forearm.

Kyouya flicks his head towards his golden-haired best friend and sneers, "You heard what he said, to you and I – and you want him to just get away with it…"

This is just too funny. I feel a sort of ego-boost, getting Kyouya to react this way. I can't help but smile around my words as I say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I strike a nerve?"

"I don't care what he says, Kyouya. If it makes him feel better, then so be it. We're here to help him, not make it worse," Tamaki continues to reason.

Tamaki-senpai _would_ embrace my insults with open arms. God, he's such a prissy little man. But it seems his words have an effect on Kyouya-senpai, seeing as his grip suddenly loosens from the fabric covering my chest and his hands fall back to his sides. He turns away as he pushes his glasses back up the bridge of his nose; his face taking on the serene, unaffected mask he always wears. "We're here no more than twenty minutes and already I've lost my cool…" I hear Kyouya trail off in a huff and take a few steps away from me.

It isn't silent for long. It seems it's Honey-senpai's turn to throw his two-cents in. "Kao-chan, why are you acting this way," he asks in a timid voice, Mori-senpai not far behind is cousin, "Please, we just want you to get better so we can go back to the way things were."

My eyes lock onto Honey's. I can see him twitch from it, and I'm kind of curious as to what I look like right now. But that's soon pushed aside as my new found rage explodes forth. "You think it's just that easy – snap your fingers and everything will be okay? I've wanted things to go back to normal the day after we joined the stupid Host Club, but did anybody stop and ask me what my opinion was? No! And now that my actions are hindering the Club, you people just _have _to step in and stop me, even though I'm finally happy!" Amidst my bellowing, Mori-senpai had smoothly placed himself in front of Honey, keeping the yellow-haired munchkin behind his form, out of the path of my ranting words.

"Hikaru _and _you both decided to join the Host Club," Haruhi cuts in. She never gives up, does she?

"I'd do anything if it makes Hikaru happy," I confess pathetically. My unintentional declaration has me lowering my head in shame, my hair falling over my eyes in the process. I can feel tears pricking at my eyes again, and I wish I could just gouge them out to keep the salty liquid from spilling over.

"Kaoru…" My twin trails off and slowly places an arm on my forearm. I quickly slap it away though. I flick my head up towards my twin. I can feel a couple tears glide down my face as I grimace at my twin. I don't deserve his touch, and I certainly don't deserve his kind words. I'm so pitiable that it's embarrassing.

"Don't touch me," I half growl, half whine. It hurts too much; all I can feel is anger and hate towards Hikaru even though he does nothing but try to help. And I repay him by being a pain in the ass – a bothersome nuisance.

I deserve nothing but pain while Hikaru deserves nothing but the best. I was always the weaker twin, anyways. So what would it matter if I was gone?

It wouldn't matter. That's just it.

I look to the broken cup I had thrown earlier, still resting in the corner of the room a few feet away. It would be so easy to just take those shards and run them across my skin; it would only hurt for a little while before my natural morphine would kick in, and I would die numb, just like I live.

Before I even realize it, my legs have already started on their journey towards the broken object. Although, I couldn't have made it a foot away from where I stood before someone gasps and yanks me back by my shirt. I fumble for only a moment, then regain my footing and rip from their grasp.

I just want to feel that slow, searing feeling of the glass slicing my skin apart. It's what I deserve – nothing more, nothing less. I am only a Dead Boy, after all. Destined to die the day I was born.

Two arms abruptly encircle my waist and push me to the floor before I am able to reach my target. The weight on my back only gets heavier as I try and struggle free; the glass is just out of my reach, but the hands harshly forced between my shoulder blades and the knee digging into my spine doesn't allow me any room to crawl forward. I stretch my arm out as far as I can, completely oblivious to the Host Club members rushing towards me to aid my brother.

I ground my hands into the carpet and strive to lift Hikaru from my back, although I turn my head slightly to see Tamaki-senpai and Kyouya-senpai frantically grasping at my kicking legs and slamming them onto the floor. There are a series of grunts and growls from the strain everyone is putting forth to keep me from moving. Honey-senpai helps in pushing my shoulders down to the floor along with Hikaru as Mori-senpai grabs one of my arms and drives it out from under me.

Haruhi is the last one to approach. She is the last one to make a grab for my right arm – the one to strip me of the last of my freedom. As she creeps closer, my eyes shift between her and the shattered remains of my sweet release just inches away.

Simultaneously, I give one final jerk and reach forward as Haruhi makes a grab for my arm. I close my hand into a fist and relish in the slicing sensation biting into my skin. Haruhi pins my wrist to the floor, making it impossible to retract my arm back to my body. I squeeze tighter; something hot and sticky oozes from between my clamped fingers and runs down onto the floor.

"Let it go!" Haruhi shouts. I shake my head. _It's the only thing I have less and I'm not gonna let you take it away, too._

"Kaoru!" Hikaru shouts, reaching over me – his knee pressing harder into my back, causing me to gasp in pain – and trying to undo my grasp on the piece of glass. I continue to thrash about and struggle against everyone's hold. Hikaru's hands are digging and prying my fingers apart, although they slip a lot, most likely from the liquid coating my hand. "Drop it, Kaoru! Don't make me treat you like a dog, too," he grunts.

A dog? Is that what I am now? A worthless, filthy mutt? Those words alone make me clench my teeth and growl in my throat, my grip on the glass getting tighter. But then, Hikaru slips under my fingers and slowly peels them back. The jagged piece falls from my palm and lands on the floor. "_Damn it_," I bellow, "Goddamn you – all of you! Let go of me! Just let me go – _let me die_!" I squirm under the Hosts Club's hold even harder now, trying desperately to rid them from my body.

"What are we going to do with him?" Kyouya shouts abruptly. Obviously he's not enjoying my wriggling and yelling.

"I-I don't know," Hikaru whimpers, sounding on the edge of tears.

"Well we can't keep him like this forever," Haruhi adds, speaking loudly over my growls and pleas for death. Hikaru is quiet for a minute or so before he finally comes up with an idea.

"Here, pick him up and follow me. I know where to put him for a little while, at least until he calms down," Hikaru rambles out quickly. I feel Honey-senpai slip from my back, giving me more access to struggle free. My arms are then fiercely bent behind my back, accompanied by two other arms holding them down. I float into the air – or more likely, the Host Club members raise me up by my limbs, holding me at waist height. I'm shocked at first as Kyouya, Tamaki, Mori, Honey, and Haurhi haul me from the living room, into the grand hall after my brother.

Hikaru makes his way over to a door under one of the staircases and opens it, immediately reaching for a few boxes and stacking them on top of one another outside the door. "In here," Hikaru huffs, out of breath.

He's going to put me in one of the old storage closest? Is he serious? He's insane! As the group gets closer to the open door, I start struggling and straining again. I want them to drop me, so I can scramble back to the living room and finish the job. Everyone makes grunting noises and protests my defiance to comply.

Suddenly, I jerk my left foot to the side and it connects with someone's leg. I hear Tamaki-senpai intake a breath sharply at my action, and I can't help but smile a little. I can't move my arms very well, seeing as there being pinned behind my back.

Soon we're in front of the closet and I can feel them getting ready to throw me in. It's not that big, maybe five by five – and just the thought of how cramped and hot it must be inside the windowless closet has me breathing harshly and mentally shouting _no_. "Please, no," I gasp. "Don't put me in there, I don't want to go!" Although, it seems my words fall on deaf ears because no one pays attention; except Hikaru. I look up into his face and his expression is so full of sadness and despair that it shatters my heart into a million pieces.

I'm all but tossed into the closet, and of course I try and climb to my feet, but the door is slammed in my face, eliminating all light and leaving me in darkness. I clutch the knob and twist, pushing on the door with all my might. The door fails to budge. They must be holding it shut!

I start pounding my fist on the wooden surface while shrieking, "Let me out! Let me out! Hikaru, _please_ – I'm afraid of the dark!" I feel hot tears stream down my face as my stomach knots in fear and anxiety. I quickly swipe at them with my right hand, only managing to smear blood across my right cheek. The small space is making me feel cornered with nowhere to go. I back up a bit; not really going far because the room itself is very small. My back hits a wall before I even take 3 steps back.

It has to be 100 degrees in here! The walls are closing in on me! I can't breathe!

I throw my hands up into my hair – no doubt coating it with the blood from my injury – and I slide down the wall until I'm sitting on the floor. I recite as loudly as possible without screaming, "One fine day, in the middle of the night, Two Dead Boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other!" I think about the events that took place at the breakfast table – _one fine day_ – and how I am now locked in this Godforsaken closet – _in the middle of the night_ – and how I'm slowly losing my sanity in here. I continue on with the poem, "A blind man came to watch fair play, a mute man came to shout, "Hooray!" A deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed those two dead boys!" On impulse, I shove my foot forward and ram it into the door. "Open up," I plead in a trembling voice, "_Please!_"

My ragged breathing is making me lightheaded, although I hear something on the other side of the door, similar to the way I'm breathing. I get to my knees and crawl the short distance to the wooden door and press my ear to it. Directly on the other side of the door, I can hear sobbing and other people talking.

"We can't," a female voice chimes in, "He has to stay in there."

The sobbing person, most likely sitting in front of the door, responds through his cries, "But he's scared! You can hear him, too. What kind of a brother just throws his sibling in a dark closet when he needs him the most?"

"The best place for Kaoru right now is in there; there are too many things out here that he can hurt himself on," someone coos, presumably Tamaki-senpai.

"But what if he's hurting himself in _there_? He could be picking at his stitches or his cuts-"

"Whatever he's doing, it's much safer then what he could be doing out here. At least he's contained in a space we can monitor, although you really should start putting some thought into finding a psychiatrist for Kaoru. This is clearly out of all our hands now," Kyouya answers cooly.

Hikaru sobs harder at the mention of a psychiatrist at the same time my stomach drops. A psychiatrist? For me? How absurd! I don't need a shrink, I just need everyone to just let me do what I want! I find my place against the wall again and listen to Hikaru's sobs and the comforting words offered by the others.

Then an idea strikes – and I recite the second verse of the poem again, only this time, matching the Host Club members to their appropriate roles. "Kyouya-senpai came to watch fair play, Mori-senpai came to shout, "Hooray!" Tamaki-senpai heard the noise and came and killed those two dead boys!" I laugh a little at the eeriness of how well the poem goes with all of us. Kyouya being "blind", Mori being "mute", and Tamaki being "deaf", never really listening to anyone; and after all, Tamaki and his Host Club are the reason Hikaru and I are drifting apart – so he might as well be killing the two dead boys. He and his Host Club can go to hell for all I care!

"Let me out," I say again and kick the door, my statement bordering on pleading and demanding.

It doesn't matter. I can bide my time. They have to let me out sometime.

And then I won't hesitate – I'll make my move and finally have the relief I've been seeking for so long.

* * *

**Author's Note:** I'm also considering writing another mulit-chaptered story of OHSHC, this one being about the Club taking a trip to a carnival or amusement park or something "commoner like". It'll be goofy and silly - and of course, have lots of twins-being-twins in it. I'm not giving up on this story though, so don't think that. You just might be getting twice the stories ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note:** Okay everyone - here's the deal. There are two options that I need your help on. This story can either end in one or two chapters and then a sequel will be posted, or I can continuing posting here and make the story longer. The reason I ask this question is because 1.) Soon, the story will be taking a different sort of turn and it just seems more like a sequel than a continuation of this story, and 2.) I would hate for you guys to think this story is dragging on forever, get bored, and be done with it. I know you reviewers love to tell me how much you love this story, but I need to know this stuff. So, sequel or continue?

And I would also hate to lose the reviewers if they don't know of a sequel if I post one. See my dilema? :( I just don't know. If you just want to review this chapter and then message me your opinion, do not hesitate. I will gladly read and take it into consideration. It's all about making you guys happy. Anyway, enjoy Chapter Eight.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the anime or the poem. I wish I did, though.

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Trust brings about Death**

I've been silent long enough. And since it's been quiet on the other side of the door, I'm guessing everyone else had settled down, too.

I don't know exactly how long I've been sitting here in this dark closet, but let's just say I've had enough time to clear my head and delve into the deep depths of my devious mind for a solution to this problem. I've thought of every possible way out, every possible thing to say – and everything that could go wrong and even a solution to that.

I think it's time I put my plan into motion.

Softly, I tap the door with the tips of my fingers, my middle finger making the most contact. "Hikaru," I rasp out weakly, "Hikaru, are you still there?" I know Hikaru is still sitting on the other side of the closet door. I can feel his presence there along with what emotions he's feeling. Confusion, anger, and despair rush through the bond we share in a sickening wave. Don't worry, dear Hikaru, I won't be around much longer to cause you such pain – to be such a burden to you.

"Yes, Kaoru, I'm here." I hear Hikaru respond a little hurriedly. I wonder if the Host Club is still around.

I stay quiet for a few seconds before mustering up the most remorseful voice I can and continuing, "Hikaru, I-I'm sorry." I make my voice crack halfway through my pitiful apology – although, I can't help but feel a lump form in my throat at my confession. I force the knot from my neck by swallowing harshly and then proceeding with my planned speech. "Please, may I come out now? It's dark in here… And I'm so alone. I'm sorry for everything, really. _Please_," I pause, swallowing again to rid myself of that bothersome lump that has my eyes moistening, "forgive me."

The metal handle just above my head is jostled a little bit before a voice calls out my twin's name, making the knob still once more. "Do you think that's a good idea?" Someone asks. From the tiny, timid sound of the voice, I'd say Honey-senpai is the one who asked – which means everyone is probably still around.

"Yeah, Hikaru. He says sorry once and you're ready to believe his every word?" Miss A-cup announces.

I thought this might happen.

"I don't expect you to trust me," I whimper. "B-But my hand… it hurts." I sharply dig my fingers into my newest wound, registering a pained gasp to erupt from my mouth. The cut starts bleeding again within moments. "I want you to clean it, Hikaru. Like you did with my other ones. I only trust you…" I trail off, a heavy sob following right after. However, I feel a real tear make its way down my cheek and towards my chin. I make no attempt at ridding my face of it, seeing as it will only add to my facade. "You can bring me to the bathroom – you all can. And you can watch me," I take a shaky breath in, "A-And, if you must, you can… p-put me back in here when you're done… and leave me in the dark." I snivel out my last sentence, hoping it's convincing enough.

The door suddenly opens and I fall forward, only to be caught by the most familiar arms I known. Hikaru and I kneel on the floor as he embraces me around my elbows and buries his face in my hair. Hikaru is shaking slightly and I can hear his trembling breaths ghost over my scalp. He doesn't hold this position for long, though. My brother eases back and holds his hands firmly on my elbows as he scans my face.

I'm sure it's still smeared with dry blood from when I wiped away earlier tears – along with the same substance being crusted into my hair – and tear-streaked. Hikaru puts a hand to my face and rubs a tear away before stating, "No more with this. We need to get you better… _I_ need to get you better. But in order to do that, you need to trust me and everyone else here, okay?" His eyes are pleading, hoping for me to comply with whatever he says. And I do; I nod my head quickly as a few more tears spill from my eyes. I hear Hikaru swallow loudly and then say, "Now let me see your hand."

I make no fuss in revealing my once-again bleeding palm to my twin who looks at it with concerned eyes. "It opened back up after I rubbed it on my pant leg." I blubber out. "It hurts really badly."

Actually, I'm enjoying the stinging sensation pulsing through my hand – but of course, I can't let Hikaru know that.

After looking me over once more, he jerks his head to the side in a "let's go" motion. I slowly stand with his help while he looks towards the five other people gathered around. "You guys can follow, if you'd like. The closest bathroom is right down the hall."

_I am so smart_. I knew Hikaru would go for the half-bath located just a few doors down from Father's study. Perfect.

"Kyouya, Haruhi, and I will come with you. Mori and Honey can hang back and entertain the servants, so they won't get any more suspicious." Tamaki-senpai smiles softly and turns towards the two.

"Yeah," Honey-senpai gives a thumbs up and smiles happily, "If anyone heads towards your way, Takashi and I will stop them." He finishes. Mori flashes a soft smile in agreement.

"Thanks guys," Hikaru slightly bows in appreciation, not able to bow fully due to his right arm slung around my shoulders and his left hand placed just under my stitches. He then starts moving in the direction of the bathroom and Haurhi, Kyouya-senpai, and Tamaki-senpai don't hesitate to follow after. When we enter the hallway off to the side of the grand hall, the awkwardness and silence encircles our little group and makes it hard for me to breathe._ Just wait_, I inform myself, _it will all be over soon enough. You'll never have to face this again. You'll never be the cause of anyone's misery ever again._

I decide to enjoy the last few minutes I have in Hikaru's arms, because in the next ten minutes, I will no longer be here. Never again will I ever feel his arm around me, comforting me. Never again feeling his warm body next to mine when I wake up in the morning.

Never seeing his smile.

Never hearing his laugh.

Never overhearing his whispered words of love before I fall asleep at night.

I will myself to stop thinking these thoughts; not wanting to chicken out before I can complete my mission. Instead, I opt to laying my head on my brother's shoulder instead.

And I can't help but play that accursed poem over and over through my head; everything seems to get slow at that point. Suddenly, the half-bath seems a thousand miles away and everyone is walking so leisurely that it's like we're not even moving at all.

_Two Dead Boys got up to fight_, I narrate in my mind, walking towards my destined death. I eye Hikaru from under my eyelids, drinking in his perfect features; even if there are starting signs of bags forming under his eyes, he still looks like a God compared to me.

I can be nothing more than a cheap copycat to him. A failed imitator. A fraud.

It's okay, though. As soon as I'm out of the way, Hikaru can continue on with his life carefree, like he was always meant to. I don't even know why I was born. Perhaps the part of Hikaru that would only weigh him down in life separated from him in our mother's womb and manifested into me? Am I the useless waste that detached from my brother in order for him to live a long and successful life?

I must be. I am all of Hikaru's negative and doubtful emotions – conveniently wrapped into one being, easily disposed of.

I realize it now. I was never meant to live. My purpose on this Earth was to take the brunt of Hikaru's possible pains and burdens and place them all on myself.

I should have died the day I was born, like my mother always said I almost did. What was it she used to call me? Her little Miracle Child? Ha, I'm nothing more than a Dead Boy. Out of nowhere, Mother's old story she used to tell Hikaru and I replays in my head. It starts when she was in labour, and Hikaru was no sooner removed from her body when he instantly started crying. Although, when I was pulled from her stomach a few minutes later, I was silent, limp, with a deep purplish blue covering my body. The doctors tried to revive me, but I just wouldn't breathe.

And now I know. My life was supposed to end before I even took my first breath. It would've been better that way. With no attachments and no love, my mother, father, and especially Hikaru could've grown up without the added burden of someone like me.

Damn those doctors for restarting my lungs and causing me to cry out. Why couldn't they just let me die?

Suddenly, more of the story floods through my mind. My mother would always tell of how Hikaru continued to wail as the doctors tried to get me to breathe. His crying only added to the distress in the room and our father even tried to calm him, but my twin was having none of it, so my mother told us. And it wasn't until I cried forth did Hikaru silence his voice. Everyone in the delivery room had become silent at my hollering. Mother always told us how she lost all of her control at that moment and cried along with me. And then, when I was able to be held by her after I took my first breath, Hikaru started his shrieking again; the only way to get him to stop was when he was finally removed from his bed and laid next to me by our mother's side. Mother would always joke that, at that moment when we were reunited, we paid no attention to her. We were too fixated on each other. She had told us that as soon as I laid a fist on Hikaru's cheek, his crying stopped. And he opened his eyes to find me lying next to him. After that, you couldn't keep us apart. Mother was always thankful that the nurses covered us in different coloured blankets and hats, or else they would've mixed us up.

Tears leak down my face, one going across the bridge of my nose, seeing as my head is tilted on my twin's shoulder.

Finally, the bathroom is in front of us. Just a couple more steps and I will be inside.

This is it.

I look up to my brother, my twin – my Hikaru. He offers a smile that shatters my heart. Oh, how I wish things were different in this moment. I wish I wasn't such a nuisance to everyone I came in contact with, and how I wish I could give Hikaru what he wants – freedom. But, alas, I cannot. I will never allow him that because I love him too much. That is why I must detach myself from him and from this world.

I was never supposed to live, anyways. I look back to the small group of people that has been following us. I give them a small smile and mutter, "The bathroom is kind of small, so you guys are going to have to stand in the hallway, okay?"

Tamaki nods his head once. "Sure, no problem, Kaoru." He smiles. I give my own little nod in response. I then look towards the bathroom, a sudden sense of doubt spreading through my body. With that doubt comes the urge to just turn to my brother and breakdown in front of him; tell him everything and beg his forgiveness.

But my legs are moving forward. I walk towards the place I know will lead to my death. After I enter this room, there is no going back.

My foot makes it passed the door frame onto the tiled floor of the bathroom Father usually only uses. Then I bring my other foot forward so I'm standing inside the room completely. Hikaru follows in after me, so I don't stop walking until he has enough room to get in.

Just being in here, knowing what I'm about to do has my heart racing and my head aching. My back is turned on my brother for a few seconds longer before I spin around and smile at him. I abruptly embrace him around his torso and squeeze him, burying my face in the crook of his neck. "Thank you. For everything." I mutter. Hikaru is tense, but only for a moment. He relaxes and drapes his arms around me, squeezing me just as much.

"You're welcome." He sighs in content and plants a kiss on my temple.

I want to cry. I want to burst into tears, but I know that I'm only being selfish if I do. I don't want to leave Hikaru, however I must carry out my plan.

It's the right thing to do.

"I love you," I unintentionally whisper.

Hikaru answers me nonetheless. "I love you, too." He squeezes me even tighter. Then I pull away from him. It feels similar to my heart being ripped in half. "Now, let's clean you up," he all but whispers and gently rubs at the dried, flaky blood staining my face.

It's now or never. It starts now.

"Sure, Hikaru," I smile warmly, "Can you grab me some toilet paper to wipe my hand off on?" The toilet paper holder is located conveniently on the wall beside the toilet – _behind_ Hikaru. Without saying anything he turns around and begins to reach for the object.

I take my chance. As soon as his back is turned, I take my foot and roughly shove him on his lower back. Hikaru falls out the bathroom door and lands in front of the three people standing outside the door observing.

I slam the door closed before anyone can react and lock it. No sooner do I lock it is there a forceful jiggling of the metal doorknob followed by a harsh pound that rattles the door on its hinges. "_Kaoru_!" I hear Hikaru desperately shout.

"Open the door, Kaoru! Please," Tamaki pleads, followed by more pounding on the door.

"We can talk about this," Haruhi adds.

"Don't be stupid," Kyouya-senpai implores, "We can get you help!"

I ignore everyone. I just need to grab what I need and get out of here. I know it won't be long before they start trying to break the door down, so I need to be quick. I rush over to the mirror located above the sink. I'm taken aback for a moment at how I look. Disheveled hair, vacant eyes, blood-smeared skin – I'm an absolute mess. Just staring at myself in the mirror angers me.

I hate how I look. I hate myself. I can't stand the kind of person I am.

Then it clicks.

All those times I've hit Hikaru; I've never wanted to hurt Hikaru, I always wanted to attack myself. And since Hikaru and I look so similar, it was always so easy to take my anger out on him.

But no more. It's just me and my reflection. My real reflection. The _real_ second Dead Boy. "We are Two Dead Boys," I say aloud to my reflection, speaking over the pounding and the pleading voices, "Always fighting, always contradicting. But not anymore. I will take care of you _once and for all_!" And with that, I wind my fist back and force it into the mirror, shattering it into pieces. At the sound of the breaking glass, the pounding on the door becomes more powerful, and I decide that they have now started trying to break it down.

I look to the window in the bathroom; a simple vertical window that opens like a shutter with the turn of a handle. I shift my gaze back to the broken mirror and, after prying loose the sharpest looking piece, I beeline for the window and open it.

I can't help but glance back to the door when I hear my brother shout, "Kaoru, please! I _need_ you! Don't do this!" His voice is strained and frantic, and it's no doubt that he's crying. I feel tears leave my eyes and fall to the tiled floor. I falter for a moment, thinking I should stay and genuinely ask for forgiveness.

But then, I force my body out the window. Too bad we weren't on the second floor, it would've been a whole lot easier to just jump.

I leap from the window and begin running. I know of a pathway a little ways off that leads directly to where I need to be.

My final resting grounds.

I run away from my house, gripping the piece of shattered mirror in my left hand as I move. I make it out of the backyard in record time, and then begin my journey towards the trees surrounding the back of the estate. There is a place not far from here – probably a little more than a quarter mile – that Hikaru and I used to play around in our middle school days. We found it while wondering around one day, and had basically spent every day there, rain or shine. But we haven't been there in a while. Not since we joined the Host Club.

I doubt Hikaru even remembers the peaceful times we shared together in that area. He never was really good at dealing with things that didn't appeal to him. Perhaps Hikaru only tagged along because I loved our secret paradise so much and he didn't want to upset me at the time. Or maybe he was just _that_ bored that he forced himself to come with me because he had nothing better to do.

I mean, I did bring food on our trips, and I brought entertaining things. I was always afraid Hikaru would quickly get bored with whatever I did, so I always made sure there were a variety of things we could do on every adventure.

But it seems none of that mattered; Hikaru still abandoned me. He left me for new people who won't bore him.

I grip the glass tighter as I break through the forest. The sun gets trapped behind the tree tops, unable to penetrate the leaves and light the area around me. So, instead, I'm left in the dark, making my way towards my grave.

"A blind man came to watch fair play, a mute man came to shout "Hooray," a deaf policeman heard the noise and came and killed those two dead boys." I pick up from where I left off in the closet. I continue on to the next verse, "He lived on the corner in the middle of the block, in a two-story house on a vacant lot; a man with no legs came walking by, and kicked the lawman in his thigh." I can't help but remember when my foot collided with Tamaki-senpai's leg when he assisted the Host Club group in carrying me to the closet. Little did they know that locking me in that closet would be their downfall; it supplied me with ample time to summon up my plan of action of escaping my doomed life. The next part of the poem is what I'm focused on now, seeing as it holds the key to where my destination lies. "He crashed through a wall without making a sound, into a dry creek and suddenly drowned; the long black hearse came to cart him away, but he ran for his life and is still gone today."

_The creek_. If you'd call it that. A few years back, Hikaru and I discovered a pool of water that ran through the middle of the forest we liked to explore. It streamed down a ledge and continued into a river below; Hikaru and I used to lay by this body of crystal-clear liquid, sometimes playing it in, sometimes just enjoying the relaxing trickling noise it emitted.

Those memories seem like they belong to a different set of siblings – a different life entirely. We could never go back to those times. The creek was like our secret paradise, only known by the two of us. Just like everything else about ourselves.

We haven't been there in a long time. It seems long gone, forgotten. Just like me.

I will lay myself to rest by the streaming water, dying alongside the last few memories the place holds before our days began at the Host Club.

And this way, when someone finds my body, preferably not Hikaru, they can just push me into the cool water, making clean up easy. At least I can make the cleanup less of a burden, as well.

My lungs begin screaming for more air and my legs start feeling like jelly. However, I continue to run; I don't want to stop. If I were to stop, I don't think my body would find the motivation to commence movement once again. I'd probably fall to the ground and wait for my brother to find me so I could beg him to forgive me and take me home. Then he'd be stuck with me, always watching over me and never being able to live his life the way he wants to.

So, I endure the raw suffering of my throat as I breathe heavily, and I force my legs to sprint through the trees on a familiar path that hasn't been travelled in so long. And my weapon of choice still rests in my palm, a stinging sensation pulsing from where it pricks me, reminding me of its existence. _My_ existence.

Finally, I spot a small break in the trees, followed by the sound of rushing water.

As soon as I enter the old sanctuary, I scurry over to the side of the stream and allow myself to drop to my knees. I drop the jagged glass and immediately dunk my hands into the water and bring it to my mouth. The taste of the quenching liquid is beyond refreshing, even if it is mixed with the blood from my wounds. I go in for seconds before I begin panting loudly for breath.

While trying to regulate my air intake, I eye the area around me.

It looks exactly the same.

So much so that I can't help but think for a brief moment that Hikaru will jump from atop the low branch hanging over the water, like he used to when we would go swimming on hot days. The air smells the same way, as well.

This place rips my heart into a million pieces as the memories slowly become all too real.

_It was all an act for him_, I think to myself. More tears make their way to the edges of my eyelids and spill over. _He and I can never be the same. We're too different, even if we are twins._

_He won't be around forever._

My last statement has me snapping back to reality. I don't even think anymore – it's like my body is running on autopilot. Within moments, both of my sleeves are hiked up as far as they'll go and the bandages covering my forearms are removed; carelessly tossed aside and landing halfway into the creek's water. I snatch up the glass, turning it over once or twice in my hands before deciding on where I should mark myself first.

I decide on the left side.

Hikaru almost always stands to my left, holding onto that hand for reassurance when we were younger.

The movement is quick and painless at first. For a moment, I think I did it wrong. But then, a searing pain gushes out along with a massive amount of blood from my wrist. I gasp at the abrupt agony and drop the glass. I clutch my arm and squint my eyes while trying to remember that this sensation will only last a few minutes; I'll succumb to the rush of endorphins soon enough.

With the glass back in my hand, I drag its tip across my other wrist, watching with patience for the blood to leak forth.

And then I do it again. And again.

I grit my teeth while anger licks at my thoughts. My anger fuels my actions now, because I know this is what I deserve. "I, Kaoru Hitachiin," I say through my clamped teeth as I switch hands and carve into my left arm again, "am a Dead Boy. No matter how 'fine' my day is, it will always be the middle of the night for me," another incision, another withheld gasp of pain, "I have made others suffer long enough with my selfishness. Hikaru will finally get what he deserves. No longer will he have to be a Dead Boy with me!"

I drop my weapon, feeling the dizzying affects, and lose my balance. I topple over on my side. I can sense my arms throbbing in sync with my heartbeat, allowing more blood to my arms that will never return. My vision starts to blur and split in two as I watch the gentle water race towards the other end and cascade from the ledge to the river below. I can remember Hikaru always telling me to never get too close to that mini waterfall – the drop had to be no more than ten feet high, if that.

His gentle, caring words seem to wrap me in a blanket of warmth and I smile. Things were so much different back then, so much more innocent.

I wonder what our parents will say when they discover one of their boys is no longer alive. Will they blame Hikaru? They wouldn't, _couldn't. _Damn, I should've left a note for them so I could explain how they _cannot_ blame Hikaru. Or anyone else.

I can feel my heartbeat getting slower and my breathing getting shallow. I can feel the blood covering my arms and pooling onto the once-green grass below. My death-poem plays throughout my head over and over until I finally piece together the final stanza.

With as much effort as I can pull forth, I weakly rasp the ending to the old rhyme that has completely taken over my life. "I watched from the corner of the big round table, the only eyewitness to facts of my fable." I cough faintly and my eyelids suddenly weigh a thousand pounds. Darkness starts to consume the edges of my field of view. It creeps towards the middle of my eyes and blocks out all light.

I can feel it. I can feel the cold hands of death groping and sliding up my body, slowly getting closer and closer to my head. With my last bit of energy, I grumble out the last two lines, almost certain that they come out as nothing more than garbled slurs. "But if you doubt my lies are true, just ask the blind man. He saw it too."

With the poem finally done – and my destiny attained – I take my last breath and allow the tired, drained feeling to overtake my senses and permit me to sleep forever.

Although, I wish I knew why Death was brushing at my hair and turning me over on my back before I completely pass out.

And is he also sobbing?

I didn't know Death cried for his victims.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: **My fellow readers, it has come; The final chapter… of part one of this story. All of the suggestions that you have given me were absolutely wonderful and I had a lot to work with. I have spent all week thinking about every possible way of continuing this story and I have final made a decision:

_The story shall continue here!_

I will, though, name it Part Two. There will also be significant differences between part one and part two. Nothing dramatic like a complete 180 of the storyline. Even though I haven't decided yet if it will continue in Kaoru's POV or switch to Hikaru's – that still remains a mystery, even to me. So, just stay tuned because I will continue posting the story here, not in a sequel. Oh, and make sure to read the small Author's Note at the end of the story too, just to clarify a few things. If I tried to clarify here, then there would be spoilers to the chapter. And what fun would that be?

**Disclaimer:**I don't own anything. Seriously.

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Failure brings about Coping**

What the hell?

Death doesn't feel anything like they describe it in books and movies. Death is supposed to be relaxing and peaceful; it's supposed to help you let go of your old life and prepare for your new one in the next world.

So why do I, instead, have a pounding headache and feel like I'm going to puke all over? My body is so stiff that it's like I'm buried under a ton of sand. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep; aren't I already technically asleep, though? Why do I feel tired, even in death? And am I not supposed to meet with God or whoever and have Him judge me? Or has He _already_ judged me?

Am I in Hell? I _did_ take my own life; not even counting all of the other things I've done wrong in life. Perhaps I was sent to Hell instead of Heaven to forever live in the pain and misery I endured on Earth. However, that means I'll never be able to see Hikaru ever again. Of course he'd go to Heaven – Hikaru never does anything wrong.

If I knew I'd be sent to Hell, I would've hugged Hikaru a few moments longer before I kicked him out of the bathroom.

It seems Hell is doing its job; I not only physically feel like shit, but I emotionally feel it, too. I feel guilty and ashamed. Something keeps nagging in the back of my mind – like something's wrong. I'm afraid, and I don't know why.

It is then that I notice a noise next to my head that repeats over and over. It's quite annoying, actually. My head is already pounding so I don't need an abrupt, irritating sound echoing in my ears.

Another noise rises over the beeping. It makes my heart skip a beat and the blood in my veins to freeze. At first, it sounds far off and muffled. I weakly command my ears to start working again as I try to listen in closely, and before I know it, the noise runs up and slaps me in the face.

A stifled whine splits the air, automatically sending a shock through my heart. I inwardly wince when a breath is taken in, and then choked on as it tries to come back out harder than the person wants it to.

It isn't often I get to hear this person cry, although it isn't like I haven't.

But why?

Why is Hikaru's heart-wrenching, muffled sobbing being emitted around me? Is it part of the Hell I must now endure until the end of time? On top of the annoying beeping sound that repeats in sync with my own heart and the stale smell of the air around me, I'm also forced to bear the sound of my twin brother's broken and miserable crying for all of eternity?

His cries stab at my ears, making me want to throw my hands up and cover them. I want to silence the noises, and I want to hold my breath to rid myself of that awful smell.

Suddenly, something to my left shifts and it makes me go rigid. My muscles ache from my abrupt tensing and I want to gasp in pain – but I don't. I don't want the mysterious figure next to me to know I'm awake.

I think I have an idea who it is. Who else would approach me, a new recruit, in Hell?

Why, none of than the Devil himself.

The pounding in my skull doesn't cease, even when the pressure becomes so intense that it might just split my head in two. I can feel the Devil's presence by me, his unforgiving eyes on my body, causing my heart to speed up; the irritating, repeating sound coincidentally speeding up, as well. I can sense him scrutinizing me, and I refuse to move even a millimeter. I can only imagine what he'd do if he found out I was awake.

He's already made my body feel like complete shit, inside and out, as well as torment my mind with familiar sounds and bothersome rackets. He's manipulating me while I "sleep" and toying with my emotions.

And since I'm already dead, I can't even kill myself.

Tears sting my swollen, spent eyes. I didn't think it was possible for me to cry anymore.

_No_. No more crying. No more being afraid. I did what I did, and now I have to face the consequences of my actions. I will face the Devil and proudly take my punishments with my head held high. I was sent to Hell because it's what I deserve – it's all I will ever deserve.

With my head throbbing and spinning, my body aching, my ears screaming from the swirling mixture of beeping and whining, and my anguished heart hammering into my ribcage, I try to pry my eyelids open. My first attempt fails; just that little action has my stomach doing flips and causes the pressure in my head to increase immensely. I swallow thickly, choke down the nonexistent bile rising in my throat, and wrench my eyes open slowly.

Everything is fuzzy, and the sudden light hurts my eyes. I wait patiently for the images to merge together to become one and come into focus before opening them further.

I turn my head to my left, towards the presence of the one giving me such an uneasy feeling, and wait for the image to unblur. What comes into focus has my eyes widening and my mouth dropping open in fright.

I'd much rather be facing the Devil than the person next to me right now.

His striking orange hair is hanging over his face, covering his eyes. His body, slumped forward in a blue chair, is lazily propped up by his elbows on his knees. Clear liquid leaks down his face and carelessly drops from his chin as tiny sobs escape his lips.

Wait… this doesn't make any sense.

I scan the room quickly and make a discovery that sends fear-filled electrical shocks throughout my entire body. The irritating beeps are actually being produced from a bulky machine a couple feet away from the bed I'm occupying, and a long, thin, sliver pole is standing upright next to me holding two different plastic bags – one filled with clear liquid, and the other filled with a deep red.

I follow the tubs leading from the bags to my left arm, and that's when I notice it. Not only are both my arms bandaged up, sticking and pricking to the gauze every time I move them slightly, there is also something else wrapped around my wrists, preventing me from moving them far.

Brown leather cuffs are tightly wound around my wrists; a metal ring connects the cuffs to similar strip of leather tightly secured to the rails of the bed I'm lying in. I can't help but jerk my head side to side as I gaze at the restraints placed on me.

And then I realize it. It seems so obvious now.

I'm not dead. _I'm not dead._

I failed somehow. I'm a failure. And now, I'm in a hospital.

How could this happen? _How could this happen!_ I don't understand!

"Kaoru…" A voice startles me, making me jump and scoot away from it. The action makes my head spin, even though I couldn't have moved more than half an inch.

Hikaru is on his feet now. His hands are resting on the metal bedrails and he is leaning forward slightly. His hair is disheveled, most likely from running his fingers though it one too many times. Hikaru is staring at me with red, glazed eyes that don't know whether to portray sadness or anger. He eventually chooses the former.

My brother reaches a hand towards my face as more tears well up in his eyes. As soon as his fingers brush the skin of my cheek, I flinch back and shut my eyes. "Don't touch me," I weakly tremble in a raspy tone.

I'm too dirty to touch. I'm tainted and stained – why should Hikaru touch something like me? I don't want to make him dirty, too.

Hikaru lets his hand fall away and his head tilts down. I hear him whisper a desperate, "Why not?" which is followed by a quiet sob. I just shake my head and try jerking my hands up to hide my face. I yank at the straps, failing to comprehend their purpose. I stop only when I feel Hikaru's hands pin my arms carefully to the bed. Opening my eyes, I see him staring intently with his eyebrows scrunched down. "You can't move your arms, Kaoru," He whispers like it's a secret, "This is what they do to you in here. After what you did…" He trails off; his eyes close tight as his eyebrows begin to twitch and his mouth pulls down at the corners.

I can't take it anymore. I'm done beating around the bush. After trying to hide it for so long, and then failing at my suicide attempt, I'm just done. "How did you find me?" I rasp out in a tone that clearly shows my ungratefulness.

Hikaru stares me straight in my eyes. His expression isn't one of "sympathy" either. "What do you mean 'how did I find you'? I shouldn't have had to go searching for you in the first place! Do you realize what you did, Kaoru," Hikaru whines as more tears fall. Every tear that falls only causes me to hurt more. It makes me feel like the smallest thing on Earth – a worthless speck of dust that should be cleaned up and disposed of. "Do you really know what could've happened to you?"

"Yes, I do." I reply calmly.

"Then why," Hikaru bursts out, getting closer to my face, "Why did you do it? Why would you want to make me worry, make me chase after you? Why did you run away from me when all I tried to do was help you? I tried so hard, harder than ever, to help you. But the more I 'helped', the angrier you got. Do you understand what you're doing to me? Do you know exactly what you're putting me through every time you–"

"Just let me die!" I cut in, causing Hikaru to go silent. I squeeze my eyes tight as I try to push down the feelings of self-disgust and self-loathing. I'm just a huge burden on Hikaru. I cause more trouble than I'm worth. So why did he keep me alive? "Just let me die," I say more quietly. As hard as I try to suppress them, I can't hold back the liquid sadness begging to be drained from my eyes. I turn my head away from Hikaru, ashamed of the loss of control over myself.

Hikaru is speechless for a moment before I feel him back away from me a bit. "You really _do _want to die," Hikaru chokes out in a voice barely above a whisper. I just nod my head sullenly, refusing to look in his direction.

The hospital bed's mattress then dips in and I feel two hands come to rest at the sides of my head. The sudden closeness of another person throws me off and my eyes fly open. Hikaru is on all fours above my body, staring down at me with unshed tears threatening to fall. I glance away from his face and stare at a random spot on the wall instead. I'm not worthy to look him in the face.

"Say it again," Hikaru trembles out. I don't know what he's talking about. I decide to just continue looking at the imaginary spot on the wall. "Say you want to die, but this time, look me in the eyes and say it." Hikaru says again, only a little more demanding this time.

He wants me to do _what?_ The whole time I've been trying to conceal my emotions, and all the time he's been trying to rid me of them, he now wants me to just come out and say it? Shouldn't it be obvious to him? I mean, he did find me at the creek, right?

I don't speak and I don't move. The tears roll from my eyes, some going across the bridge of my nose, and soak into the pillow beneath my head. I instinctively reach up to wipe my weakness away, but the leather restraints prohibit me from doing so.

It gets pretty awkward with Hikaru staring down at me after a few minutes. Usually, being this close would cause no strange reaction from me, but not anymore. I just want him to go away and leave me be. Perhaps I can ask the nurses for a morphine drip, and then I can hike the dial up to a deadly amount. Or maybe I can request no visitors and when I'm alone, take the opportunity to jump out the window – depending on what floor I'm on.

"That poem you keep saying," Hikaru quietly pipes up. I listen without turning my head. "I don't know what kind of connection you _think_ you have with it, but obviously it's not good for you. I regret ever finding it in that old book and showing it to you," Hikaru shakes his head, "But I heard you talking about it in the bathroom before you left. And since you've basically been living out your life through those damn rhymes, I figured your next actions would coincide with it. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life to get the words of a stupid poem wrong." Hikaru gives a harsh laugh as a tear leaves his chin and lands on my cheek, mixing in with my own tears. He swallows thickly before continuing, "When I remembered the part about the creek, it hit me. I knew where you were running to; for the first time in weeks I actually felt like I knew what you were doing. I didn't even stop to tell the others where I was going, but they followed anyways. And when I found you…" Hikaru stops abruptly. His breathing ceases all together as he struggles to keep himself composed; failing as his body gives a jerk with every hiccup it wants to produce.

It breaks my heart to know Hikaru is hurting on the inside. I just want him to stop. He should just leave me already. Just get up off the bed, walk out of this room, and never return.

Hikaru unexpectedly grabs my face with his hands and presses our foreheads together. I shut my eyes before I have the chance to see his face up close. "_Kaoru_," he sobs, "_I thought you were dead_." Hikaru completely loses control after he utters those words; he makes guttural moans as his hands make their way into my hair and latch on. Little drips of water flow freely from Hikaru's face and land on mine in such quantities that I'd believe it was raining if not for Hikaru's loud sobbing. "Please," he cries out, "please, never do that again." Hikaru pulls away from my face a bit, but not by much. "Kaoru, when I found you I didn't know what to do. The only thing I could think of was to run my fingers through your hair, like I used to do when we were younger and you were scared or nervous. If Kyouya wasn't there to call for an ambulance, you'd probably be dead right now – and it'd be all my fault!"

"It wouldn't be your fault!" I exclaim. Just the thought of Hikaru blaming himself for something I did drives me insane.

"Yes it would be," he snaps back. "I'm the older brother. I'm supposed to protect and help my little brother when he's unhappy. What kind of a brother does that make me if I can't even help my _twin_? I'm supposed to know everything – but I guess I'm not that great of a brother after all."

"Stop," I weakly plead. Although, it falls on deaf ears as Hikaru begins talking again.

"Have you any idea how it feels to hold the cold, dying body of your brother? Do you have any idea what I went through when I had to carry you back to meet the EMTs at our house, all the while thinking that at any moment, you could stop breathing and die right in my arms?" Hikaru's next words cause shock to speed through my body and up to my brain, making it pound twice as hard, "_Why do you want to leave me so badly_?"

I gasp a little at his words.

_I'm_ leaving _him_? No, no, no. He's got it all wrong. He's the one who wants to leave, not me. "I'm not leaving you, Hikaru," I rasp, my eyes still screw shut.

"How can you say that? For the past few months you've been distancing yourself from me. Don't you think I was afraid? But I didn't say anything, because I thought that was what you wanted – some space. I only caught on that something was wrong when you freaked out at Host Club and passed out a few weeks back. And even when I tried talking to you, you wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I asked you and asked you, but would you talk to me? _No_. Why do you want to leave me here all alone, Kaoru?" Hikaru cries and wraps his arms around my neck, burying his face in the crook of my shoulder as he trembles. "If you die I don't know what I'd do with myself," he wails, "I can't imagine my life without you."

I lay still in the hospital bed. The beeping of the heart monitor mixes with my brother's crying – a guilty and shameful feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. How can Hikaru be so upset over something like this?

Doesn't he want to leave? It'd be easier for him if I wasn't around to hold him back all the time.

I think about all of the events that have transpired in the last few months, mostly focusing on the ones that happened over the past few weeks.

I can remember waking in the dead of night, every night, and silently slipping away from my twin's embrace, just to spend the night alone in the bathroom. Every cut, every harsh word directed towards myself, was supposed to be the only thing I deserved out of life. Punishing myself for bringing Hikaru down was the only thing I believed I lived for on those nights.

But what about Hikaru?

All the nights I made him spend alone in a cold bed, all the secrets I've kept from him, and all the times I've hurt him not only emotionally, but physically. And not once did he do anything to hurt me in return. If anything he only held onto me closer and still did all he could to try and get me to feel better.

Hikaru never once backed away from me. Everything he did was for my benefit, and all I did was throw it back in his face and walk away.

I can't stand the torn feelings swirling around my head. I want to thank Hikaru for trying to help, but I also want to yell at him for wasting his time on me. I want Hikaru to stay by my side, but I want him to leave my worthless presence behind so he may continue on with his own life carefree.

Why am I so full of contradictions?

With my eyes still closed, and Hikaru's sobbing echoing throughout my ear, I suddenly picture a young mother lying in the same type of hospital bed as me; although she isn't bound to the rails by restraints. Hikaru's crying gets a couple pitches higher in my mind until it's the right tone for a newborn baby. A long-ago story comes to life behind my eyes; the first twin, the eldest, is laid next to his identical brother by their mother's side in her temporary bed. The youngest twin, the one saved from the cold, cruel hands of a premature death, just stares at his mirror image with a questioning expression. As if to say, "Hush now, all is fine," the younger, calmer twin places a tiny hand on the crying twin's face, and all goes silent. The two baby boys stare into one another's eyes as they try to take in the new world around them. Perhaps they don't fully understand what or who they are just yet, but the bond they share goes far beyond human comprehension.

They are two halves of the same whole – once just a single person that split into two.

And now it's happening again. Hikaru, my elder twin with his head pressed into my skin, is crying. And it seems he won't stop until he knows I'm alright, that I'm _alive._

If I could lift my hand I would, but the restraints don't allow me that kind of action. Instead, I settle for slowly turning my head to the left and gently nuzzling my nose in my twin's hair. It's the best I can do, and it seems to work; Hikaru cease his crying almost instantly.

I love the warm feeling of this embrace. It's almost intoxicating. I would give anything to stay in this comforting embrace for all of eternity with no interruptions.

Although, it seems Hikaru feels different. He picks his head up, and for the first time I see his swollen, puffy, golden orbs. I quickly glance away before I snap under the guilt weighing on my heart.

I can feel Hikaru's eyes roam my face for a moment before he leans down and places a brief kiss on my forehead. He then rests his forehead against mine again, but I try my hardest not to look at his face.

"Say it," Hikaru finally whispers. His warm breath ghosts over my face in a familiar manner, like how it used to when we would sleep so close to one another.

I remain silent.

"Look me in my eyes and tell me you want to die. If you can do that, then I will respect your decision," I can feel his arms tighten around my neck and hear his voice grow hoarse with the words he forces out, "If you're completely set on this, then I won't try to stop you anymore. I'll give you what you want."

Why is he going to make me say it? Obviously he knows what I want, so why make me say it aloud?

I can't even look Hikaru in his eyes to begin with. What makes him think I'll be able to confess something like that to his face?

I swallow thickly as more tears rise to the front of my eyes and immediately spill over.

I can't imagine the look Hikaru's face will take on once I say those words. However, this seems all too easy – just say the words and it's done? Could I have done that from the start? But it seems too surreal, _wrong._

Hikaru remains silent above me. With our foreheads still pressed together for some sort of intimate contact, I can feel not only his body trembling, but I can hear his shaky intakes of breath, as well.

No matter what pain I caused Hikaru, he's always been there for me.

However, I want him to leave, because I know I'm nothing but a bother.

Although, I can't help but get a weird sense of remorse as I listen to his stifled whines and tiny whimpers as he awaits my words.

I should have died the moment I was born.

I was brought back to life, proving that I was not meant to crossover just yet.

Live.

Die.

Forgive.

Forget.

Life.

Death.

The choice is so simple for me. Certainly there must be a catch! It's so bizarre to actually have what I've wanted for so long just out of my reach.

…

But is this really all about _my _choice?

All this time I've been thinking of none other than Hikaru in my self-harming actions… but I have also neglected to tell him anything, and therefore, have kept secrets from him.

Is this choice really based on revealing my selfishness?

Hikaru wants me alive.

I want myself dead.

Am I really willing to give myself what I want despite what my twin has to say?

"Say it," Hikaru demands. The suspense must be getting to him. That's just like Hikaru – never the patient type.

Live or die? Live or die?

_Live or die_?

"_Say it."_

My eyes fly open.

I gaze into his moist, swollen, spent eyes. So much misery in them, so much pain. All caused by _me_.

I look him straight in his pupils, able to see myself reflected back.

Before I know it, my answer is given. The words fly out of my mouth, like some deeply hidden secret just waiting for the chance to make its appearance. The three little words have Hikaru crying all over again, hiding his face in my neck once again, not bothering to conceal the volume of his sobs.

"_I wanna live._"

* * *

**Author's Note:** I just want to say, everything about the way I've described the hospital treating you is 100% _**true**_. Just trust me, I know. After a suicide attempt, a doctor _will_ place restraints on you. And that's not even the worst part – oh no. The worst is yet to come. And that's why this Author's Note is important: I'm actually going to give you a sneak peak at Part Two… which hasn't gotten a definite name yet. Don't forget to drop me a review and tell me what you think!

But anyways, here's the preview:

**Part Two**

You think it'd make me better? You think a few loving words and sobbed confessions would make everything go back to normal again? You have no idea what it's like in here. Not even Kyouya could get me out of this one.

The doctors assigned me a therapist. She's here to determine whether or not I'm stable enough to go home or get sent to a more "desirable" institution where they can further examine me; to find out if I'm a threat to myself or anyone around me.

My therapist, whose name I never bothered to learn, said it'll be a few days before they can make a decision. She's asking me a lot of questions Hikaru, and I don't know how to answer them. I just want to go home. I usually keep quiet at her prying words, but I don't think that helps my case any further. I'm not allowed to wear my regular clothes, either. Just this ugly, depressing hospital smock that makes my figure resemble a massive rectangle.

Hikaru, I miss you. You tell me how much you love me, and you promise that everything will be okay – that _I'll_ be okay. But when will that start? When will I start to actually believe your words? I so desperately want to trust in you and believe that you would never lie to me. But something is wrong with me, Hikaru. Something in my brain just doesn't want me to function.

You need to go home – you need to rest. Don't worry about me right now, dear brother. You keep telling the nurses that you won't leave me here alone and I know they're starting to get angry. You can rest now, I promise.

They have me locked up tight here with enough supervision that you'd believe I committed a murder. Well… I guess I almost did.

Hikaru… you've always been there for me to try and help in any possible way. But I've gotten myself into this mess. I don't want to drag you down along with me. I'm going to have to face what I've done; it feels like I'll never return to the old person I used to be. It's going to take a while to fix the damage I've done. It's going to take a lot of self-restraint, and I need to put trust in myself, as well.

I hope I have enough strength to resist these urges.

The Dead Boy reflected in the window's glass seems to be mocking me and my failure – and right now it's taking all of my willpower _not_ to break the glass and set him free.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note:** Please forgive me! I'm sorry I didn't update last week. Everything was a rush last week, seeing as school was ending. But now, since I am officially done with high school, I'll have more time to write! Yay! So, I'm hoping you guys are still with me. If you thought Part 1 was bad, just wait until you read this. Just a few side notes – 1) Seeing as the setting is a hospital, there will have to be OCs (dun, dun, dun!) I know how some people feel about OCs, but trust me, it won't be bad. It's not like they'll cause some utterly fatal plot twist or anything. It'll be fine. 2) This is chapter 1 of Part 2, it's gonna start a little slow. So bear with me.

Review and let me know how it came out. Should I continue like this? Or should I just stop completely because it's a horrible monstrosity? I need to know!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own OHSHC.

* * *

**Part Two**

**Chapter One: The Dead Boy's Alive**

It's been quiet.

You know, except for all the melancholy, routine noises of the hospital that seem to strip me of all my confidence. If I ignore those sounds, then it's been pretty much silent in my small, private room.

The doctors had told me that it would be better if I was transferred into a room that I wouldn't have to share. I'm not stupid though. I know they don't want me to have any "roommates" due to the fact that this part of the hospital does not allow for that.

I have been moved to a room located in the Psychiatric Ward of the hospital. Here, the doctors and nurses can watch over me, and everyone knows exactly what to expect from me. I'm still restrained to the bed, of course. They say, depending on my test results, my restraints may be removed tomorrow. But nothing is ever certain – not in this place.

The sound of an impatient clearing of the throat brings me back to the present situation. I look towards the source of the disturbance and try to remember what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

… Oh.

That's right.

A Social Worker who works in this wing of the hospital has been assigned to me. She's been in here ever since I was moved to this room, which has been about three hours now.

God, I wish she'd leave. Hikaru was forced to leave the hospital last night after visiting hours were over, but this woman can stay in this room as long as she wants and I have no say in the matter? What kind of crap is that!

"Mr. Hitachiin, are you refusing to answer me again? You know, that won't help you in the long run. Talking can only help." She says in a stern manner; not to intimidate, more to encourage. I just look away. My throat is raw and my mouth isn't providing enough saliva right now to coax it back to normal.

I've only been in this building overnight and I already know I never want to set foot in a medical center again. It's too secluded, too dark. I want to open the curtains and let the sun shine in, but I'm afraid I might see _him_ staring back at me from the glass_._ I've been to the in-room bathroom once so far, and I've noticed that there aren't any mirrors or windows; there isn't really anything other than a toilet and sink, which I'm kind of thankful for. With no mirrors comes no chance of that nerve-wracking Dead Boy popping up. He seems to like the idea of inhabiting my reflection, so I think it's best to keep us apart, and there's only one way to accomplish that.

"Mr. Hitachiin, it's a simple question. The sooner you answer, the sooner we can get to the bottom of what's ailing you – and then we can help you. My job is to make sure you get better and cope with your problems instead of taking them out on yourself. Self-mutilation is _never_ a solution…"

I let her voice trail off as my mind wanders to different thoughts. _She is so annoying_, I think to myself. Her chestnut hair is pulled tightly back from her face in neatly bound bun, making sure not one detail of her face is hidden from me. Her tan skin obviously shows just how much time she spends outdoors, and her build reflects that as well. She's definitely the athletic type – most likely not one to back down easily.

She's stupid.

The more she talks, the bigger an idiot she makes herself out to be.

"My top priority is getting you out of here. And it will go by quicker the sooner you comply. Not talking is getting you and I nowhere. So, once again – How are you feeling?"

She expects me to believe that "talking about my feelings" will eventually lead to the reason why I'm being plagued by a Dead Boy? She really thinks she can help me rid the Dead Boy from my thoughts, my presence, _my life?_ She's the insane one here, not me.

I turn my head back towards the Social Worker, whose name isn't important enough for me to memorize, and glare. Ms. Oh-So-Helpful is wearing a face that tells me she didn't get enough coffee with her breakfast this morning. I must be one bothersome little prick to this lady, and it makes me want to smile, something I haven't done in days.

"Mr. Hitachiin," I hear her call again. The limit of her patience can be clearly heard in her cold, demanding voice.

I open my mouth, ready to tell this lady off, when suddenly a light knocking resonates throughout the room, making us both whip around towards the door. A familiar nurse pops her head in and looks around, before landing her eyes on my form.

"Well, it sure is dark in here, isn't it?" She inquires lightly with a soft smile. She's an older woman, having the same demeanor as a happy-go-lucky grandmother. The few times that she and I have talked always consisted of her trying to make light of my situation by poking playfully at condition and sometimes making jokes about the other coworkers in the hospital.

"I want the curtains closed." I deadpan.

"Well, that's no fun, now is it? How will the sun be able to greet you if you continue sitting in the dark and refuse to open up to it?" There's a short pause as the nurse nods politely to the therapist and looks back to me. "Won't you at least turn the lights on?" I turn my head away, refusing to talk. And the nurse seems to pick up on that, because she just continues, "Anyway, I just came to tell you that your brother is here to see you. And I think you could use a break from this stuffy old room."

My eyes open wide and my ears perk up to the words _brother_ and _here_.

Hikaru actually came here? He came to visit me?

"Do you think that's a good idea?" Ms. Bitch-Therapist questions, flicking her head towards the nurse.

"Of course, dear. Why wouldn't it be? He'll be in the recess room; nothing bad will happen," the nurse then glances towards me and smiles warmly, "besides, Kaoru's a good boy. I just know it."

**ii**

_This_ is what they call a "recess room"? I was thinking more along the lines of a carpeted room with warm colours staining the walls; perhaps a few round tables with game-boards set up for those who wish to relax and chat with friends and loved ones. Sort of like the rooms at retirement homes.

But no.

This place is cold, colder than my temporary room, with tiled floors smudged with dirt, as if the custodians half-assed mopping it. There are tables – but they're long and rectangular with benches attached to the legs. They kind of resemble picnic tables, only not wooden, but more plastic looking.

Other people inhabit this area, sitting at some of the tables with other people, talking quietly. Before I can begin to scan the room, the same nurse from earlier gently grabs my elbow and softly speaks. "Your brother is over there," she points out. I look in the direction her finger is aiming at and, sure enough, a familiar, identical, frame is perched at a table in the corner of the room.

Hikaru's back is facing towards us, so he can't see that I have entered the room. At this point, I want to run. I don't want Hikaru to see me like this. Shame and embarrassment make a nice neat nest in the pit of my stomach, making me want to vomit. But before I can react, I make a mental note of the couple of security guards standing at attention next to each other against the opposite wall. They are talking amongst themselves, although their eyes never seem to falter in their monitoring. I decide vomiting, or running away for that matter, wouldn't necessarily be a good idea.

Besides, my nurse is leading me towards Hikaru anway. I tense up at this fact.

What exactly am I supposed to say to him? What will he say to me? What has happened since they threw him out yesterday?

My heart starts beating so fast that I'm sure my whole body is pulsating – and I'm almost positive my nurse can feel it through the arm she's holding, for at that moment, she gives me a reassuring squeeze.

As we get closer, Hikaru's ears perk up to the sound of footsteps behind him, and just as he turns his head, my nurse and I reach the table. I immediately drop my gaze to the floor the same moment Hikaru hops up from his seat and throws his arms around me.

Then it hits me. That was the first night Hikaru and I have spent apart. After the security guards basically forced Hikaru to leave the premises last night, he must've went home, and slept all alone in our cold bed.

The thought of Hikaru suffering by himself is enough motivation for my arms to reach hesitantly up and return his embrace. My head rests on his shoulder and words bubble up from my throat and past my lips before I can even think about what I'm saying. "I'm sorry," I choke out, my voice cracking halfway through.

"No," Hikaru instantly answers and pulls away slightly, allowing me to see the soft smile gracing his features, "none of that." He then turns somewhat and plucks a white plastic bag I hadn't noticed before off of the bench he was sitting on. "Here," he holds it out to me, "I got you something. And don't worry, Mrs. Hashime already said it was okay for you to have."

I take the cheap bag by the handles and place a hand under the bottom to support it. "Who's Mrs. Hashime?" I ask while eyeing the object in my hands. Hikaru's face drops a little at my question. He motions towards the old woman by my side.

"Your nurse," Hikaru replies quietly, "You know, the one who has been taking care of you."

Oh.

I look towards the woman to my right. She just smiles and pats me on the back a few times. "Don't fret about it, deary," she laughs while looking from me to my brother, "You wouldn't believe the amount of patients I take care of for weeks before they even realize I'm there at all. It's never the nurse their interested in, it's always the doctor." This causes Hikaru to smile a little. "And I have to say, when you first showed up, Hikaru, you had me startled. I had no idea Kaoru had a twin brother, so I thought my mind was playing tricks on me."

Hikaru chuckles slightly. "That kind of stuff happens all the time. No one can really tell us apart when we're dressed the exact same way."

I'm sure anyone would be able to tell us apart now. It's like we're two different people, from two different families. I wonder if Hikaru feels the same detached, lonesome feeling I'm getting from this fact.

"Oh, I bet they can't," Mrs. Hashime laughs. She gets quiet after, her eyes looking around quickly, as if scoping out the area for spies. "Tell you what," she deviously whispers so only the two of us can hear, "I'm supposed to be monitoring your visit, but I see no harm in stationing myself by the windows and reading the newspaper for a little while."

For some reason, her statement has me a little worried. "Won't you get in trouble," I can't help but ask.

"Oh, I'm old and forgetful. Sometimes the rules just don't apply." The old nurse smiles. With that, she gives a wink and walks away towards a vacant table located by a stand full of magazines and newspapers. I can feel the mood around Hikaru and I shift from bubbly and carefree to tense and awkward with the disappearance of the nurse. I don't know what to say or what to do now.

I just let it be silent between us. I don't want to say anything that would upset my brother.

But then, Hikaru gently grabs my forearm, just above the gauze covering my stitched up wounds, and leads me the short distance to the bench connected to the table. I sit down and look to Hikaru who seats himself right next to me. "Aren't you gonna open your present?" He asks with a smile.

After observing the bag once more, I reach forward slowly and grasp whatever is inside. I pull the object forth – a Styrofoam box? I lay the box down on the table top and notice how it's held closed by two little Styrofoam buttons popping out of the bottom lid. The box gives a tiny _pop_ as I tug it open and gaze at the hidden surprise inside. I hear Hikaru explain, "Haruhi told me about this place that makes really good commoner breakfast and I figured the food here can't be all that good, so I picked some up for you."

A heaping pile of pancakes rests in the white container, glimmering as the light reflects the amount of syrup they're doused in. Instantly my mouth is watering with forgotten hunger. I can't remember the last time I've eaten. I snatch up a piece of the precut breakfast and stuff a piece in my mouth. I barely taste the sweetness as it almost immediately slides down my throat and I'm grabbing for more.

"Hey, hey, slow down." I hear Hikaru laugh. "You'll give yourself a stomachache if you keep eating that fast. And there's a fork in the bag," he stuffs his hand inside the white plastic and reveals a cheap plastic fork, "so you don't have to use your hands."

The next few minutes are spent in silence, the only sounds being the occasional, and embarrassing, smacking, chewing, and swallowing noises that come with eating a meal. The only thing that slows down my ritual is the one thought that crosses my mind.

Wait, did Hikaru say _Haruhi_?

Does that mean he's been in contact with Haruhi since I've been in here? Was he with her last night, instead of going home to spend the night alone?

Did he sleep in the same bed as her, seeing as he's so used to sharing it with someone?

Those thoughts have stopped me completely now. Anger flows through my veins as images of Hikaru making skin-contact with the little cross-dressing commoner float through my mind; him cuddling up next to her for warmth and utterly replacing me.

"Kaoru," Hikaru questions, "Is something the matter? Is something wrong with your food?"

My eyes swivel over to their corners and I glare at my twin. I swallow what I had been previously chewing and place my fork in the container. "Oh, it's nothing," I nonchalantly sigh, trying to mask my growing rage, "I was just wondering… when did you meet up with Haruhi?"

"She called me this morning and asked if she and the others could tag along to come see you. But I told her that that wouldn't be a good idea. Right now, it's just you and me," Hikaru smiles and then adds, "And then she told me about how bad hospital food is and suggested I get you some 'real' food."

I can't help but feel a little relieved at Hikaru's explanation, even though I'm fully aware of the fact that he could be lying. The words "it's just you and me" seem to have had a relaxing impression; I can feel my muscles loosening and my anger subsiding.

"So, is it true," Hikaru questions with a childish face, "is hospital food really as bad as Haruhi says?"

I tilt my head down towards my lap – my mood shifting to a sullen one. I absentmindedly run my fingers over the medical wrapping around my forearms as I answer quietly, "I don't know. I refuse to eat anything here."

I already know Hikaru's response before he says it. Of course he'll be concerned and want to know why.

"Why not? Kaoru, if you don't eat anything, you won't get better-"

"Who says," I bark. "Who's to say what will make me better and what won't? These people in here have no idea what's going on! They're telling me things they say will 'help', and they don't care if I protest. They say I have to do it anyway. They're asking me a lot of questions, too, Hikaru, and I don't know what to say." I almost sob by this point. I'm getting emotional as my fears are being voiced.

Hikaru's eyes roam my face. His expression is sad and a little confused. "They were asking me questions, too," he says, making my eyes grow wide. "I wouldn't answer any, so they told me to leave. They were saying that I was just being a burden by staying and not trying to help you instead." Hikaru then slides closer to my side, noting my obvious shaking and the fearful tears welling up in my eyes. He places an arm around my shoulders and gives me a brief squeeze. "Kaoru, listen," he starts hesitantly, "maybe we should start answering some questions. I mean, you're in here to get better. Nobody here wants to hurt you."

I flinch at his last words. I look at Hikaru with wide, hurt eyes. Should I tell him? Would he understand? Or would he immediately inform everyone and have me shipped off to some mental institution to be alone?

I take in a long, shaky breath to try and steady my voice. "No, we can't answer any questions," I inform my twin. He looks at me, puzzled.

"Why not?"

I can feel it again – the anger rising within me. I hate having to admit such a humiliating thing. Just thinking about what I have to say to Hikaru has me clenching my teeth. But should I really tell him? Would he look at me differently after he knows of my sudden predicament?

Hikaru said I could always trust him – and by _not_ telling him, I'd technically be keeping a secret, and we both promised each other no more secrets.

I look to Hikaru and lean in closer. In a voice barely worthy to be called a whisper, I growl out, "The Dead Boy." Hikaru is confused by my words, but that's to be expected. I continue explaining sooner than he can get his words out. "He's always around – I can feel him. He won't leave me alone. He's waiting, waiting for another chance to strike and take me down."

"Uh… Kaoru-"

"Listen, Hikaru, I have to _lie_ – _we_ have to lie. The Dead Boy won't like it if the truth gets out. He tried to _kill_ me, so I don't think he'd hesitate to bring harm to others, as well. Right now the best thing to do would be to please the Dead Boy in any way possible until I can think of a plan."

Hikaru's expression shifts so many times, it's hard to keep up with them all. First he's confused, then appalled, surprised, shocked, and a strange combination of the four. After what seems like an eternity of silence, Hikaru inquires, "Kaoru, did they give you any medication before you came out here?"

His question makes me grip his forearm tightly in anger. "This isn't a joke! He's out to get me! Promise me you'll lie to them if they ask you anymore questions, alright? I need you more than ever right now, so promise me we'll be on a team," I look Hikaru straight in his confused eyes and dig my nails into his skin.

"Ow, Kaoru, that hurts!" Hikaru whimpers and tries to flinch out of my grasp.

"_Promise me_." I command.

"I promise," Hikaru utters out.

"So you'll lie? If you don't lie, I could wind up dead – for real this time. I want to hear you say it."

Hikaru's golden orbs size me up and down, lingering slightly on my gauze wrappings, then moving to his own forearms and staring at my fingernails digging into his skin, drawing blood. His eyes leave my hands and travel over to Mrs. Hashime sitting quietly in the corner of the room, oblivious to what is going on.

Hikaru doesn't appear to want to agree to my plans. My anger only rises at this. Will he tattle on me now? Ruin everything by revealing the truth about my thoughts? _What's the big deal_? Does Hikaru want me to get in trouble? Does he _want _me to die?

Perhaps he _does_ want to send me away. He'd be better off that way – out of sight, out of mind. Hikaru obviously doesn't believe me. I've made a mistake in telling him. And now I'm ruined. The Dead Boy will not be happy about this…

Just as I'm about to scream out in rage, Hikaru puts a gentle, yet hesitant, hand over mine and rests our foreheads together.

"I'll do it," he forces himself to say, "_I'll lie."_

**ii**

Perhaps coming back to my room wasn't the best idea. However, it's better to get this show on the road than to wait it out any longer. I want out of this hellhole, and I want it now. Hikaru has gone to the bathroom down the hall, and said he'd be back in a few minutes.

That leaves me here, alone, with this awful Social Worker woman. She keeps looking to her clipboard, writing things down, pausing, flipping a page, and repeating the process.

I wish Hikaru would get here soon. Mrs. Hashime somehow convinced Ms. Therapy-Bitch to let Hikaru stay in the room for a little bit, for moral support, if I vow to no longer protest the "healing process".

I hear a tiny _crackle_ in the corner of the room which makes me jump and quickly scan that area. My therapist automatically speaks up, not even looking up from her clipboard, "Mr. Hitachiin, I've told you before; stop acting so jumpy. You're only going to work yourself up that way."

I don't reply. Because I know she's wrong. She may try to explain all these little noises and shadows as "passing birds" or "natural sounds", but I know better.

The curtains occasionally flowing? Why, that's him. That's the Dead Boy passing by. And the random creaking and crackling noises? That's him creeping ever so closer. I can feel his presence only a few feet away from the foot of my hospital bed now. Just the thought of his evil existence is enough to have fear sprint up my spine and give me goosebumps.

I really hope Hikaru gets here soon.

I can hear the Dead Boy calling out my name, asking me to join him on the other side.

And I have been temporarily relieved of my restraints, as well.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author's Note: **I am deeply sorry about the wait. I've just been having the worse writer's-block. I know where I want the story to go, I just have no idea how to get it there. Please bear with me, those of you who still care to read this. This chapter is short because I was sick and tired of not giving you guys anything.

But, please, don't be shy to leave me a review – tell me what you guys want. Do you like how it's going? Want to see _more_ of something? Want me to add _less_? Throw something in, take something out? **What do you guys want! **Perhaps it will help me move the story along.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own OHSHC.

* * *

**Part Two**

**Chapter Two: Questioning the Answer**

How did things get this way? It all happened so fast, I wasn't able to pick up on it, I guess. Every passing day, every passing week, seemed normal, as it should've. Nothing was amiss, everything going the same as every other day. But it seems so obvious now.

Kaoru is losing his mind.

He started slipping away right under my nose and I never knew it. Of course I could tell something was up with him from the very secretive and isolated way he kept to himself, but I never pushed the issue. Not until that day at Host Club.

Just thinking about that day sends shivers up my spine. When I heard his disturbing laugh and noticed his tears, it scared me. I had no idea what to do, or even what to say. All I could feel was pain radiating from my twin at that moment, and when I tried wiping his tears away and asking him what was wrong, he looked at me like I was some stranger.

I have never felt more alone than the moment Kaoru rose from that loveseat and backed away from me. There was something about the way his eyes gazed into mine – although, I was unable to predict what he was thinking.

I was so afraid. Kaoru was backing away from me, something he never did, especially when he was stressed out. Never in my life had I wanted to hold him so badly and figure out what was wrong. He was so helpless looking.

And then he began laughing again.

Why?

Why was he laughing?

_What was so funny?_

I slam my fist against the cold, tiled wall of the bathroom I'm daydreaming in. Right now, Kaoru's probably waiting for me to return to his hospital room. I have no clue what I'm going to do; he wants me to lie, but lying wouldn't help him at all. Kaoru is very unstable at this point. If I break my promise, would he freak out and think I was turning against him?

And what about that "Dead Boy" he was talking about? What is it supposed to mean? Is it a metaphor that he's trying to use? Perhaps it's some kind of secret message he's trying to convey to me.

And how exactly did this all happen? Just a few months ago we were home and everything was fine.

…

Wasn't it?

Just how long has Kaoru been like this?

It makes me sick to my stomach knowing that Kaoru was hurting on the inside, yet I couldn't pick up on anything. What kind of brother does that make _me_?

And how am I going to break the news that Mom and Dad are coming home from their trips? We never relied on our parents for much, so how is Kaoru going to react when he finds out Mom and Dad know he's in the hospital?

Not only are we minors, but we're well-known, so it was only a matter of time before word got out that one of the Hitachiin twins has been hospitalized. I just don't know what to do; it's like the more I help, the more I hurt.

I flick open my cell phone and glance at the clock displayed on the screen. I've been gone almost twenty minutes. Kaoru must be getting antsy – I better go before he starts going nuts.

I do a one-over of my body in the full-length mirror attached to the wall before I exit the hospital lavatory. Walking through these cold hallways gives me the creeps. It doesn't look any different than the rest of the hospital, but it just _feels_ off. Maybe it's because I know for a fact that a different type of "sick" people occupy these rooms… as well as my brother.

Doctors and nurses walk these halls just as I do, and I nod my head and greet them with a soft smile when we make awkward eye contact. I can feel my heart racing as I get closer and closer to Kaoru's hospital room. I still can't decide whether or not to lie or tell the truth; neither way seems to favour my poor brother.

Before I know it, I've passed my twin's room. I do a double-take as I realize my mistake and back track two doors down. I take a deep breath and knock lightly on the cold wooden door. Someone calls out, granting me entrance, and I seize the metal handle.

The first thing I notice when I step into the room is the way Kaoru is curled up in a fetal position, cowering under the blankets, only half his eye visible. He whimpers my name, more like a question than a statement, and I answer with a comforting smile, "Yes, Kaoru?"

This seems to relax him, for he gently pulls down the blanket from his face and props his body up on and elbow. Without taking my eyes off of his feeble and cowering form, I make my way over to his bed. No sooner do I sit does he throw his arms around my torso and buries his face into my chest. I'm then squeezed like never before, almost knocking the air straight from my lungs. I wrap my arms around his body as I soothingly stroke his back.

I can feel him trembling.

_Why?_ I desperately seek that answer.

My brother then tilts his head to the side, allowing me to see his face, or more importantly, his eyes which are darting around the dark room – not a single curtain open, not a single light lit.

What, Kaoru? What are you looking for in this depressing, unappealing room? If you are looking for something, why not just turn the light on? My mind suddenly flashes back to that moment in the recess room. Kaoru, his face like that of a person who had just witnessed a murder, his nails digging into my arm, pleading to me to save him from this "Dead Boy". Could he be searching for that hallucination right now?

I'm halted in my thoughts as, what I'm assuming to be, Kaoru's assigned therapist speaks, "Kaoru, what are you looking for?"

Apparently she's noticed, too. Although, her brief question ceases Kaoru's searching and I feel his body tense up. He looks at the woman and says coldly, "Nothing."

It can't be nothing. It has to be something. What is he so afraid of? Could he really believe that idiotic hallucination could harm him in this place?

"Well, Kaoru, I would like to start helping you now, if that's okay. You promised to open up and quit resisting, that is why your brother is present." The way this woman talks sends a twang of annoyance surging through me. Her nasally voice and word choices carry a hint of… hidden conceit. And if I feel a tiny bit of annoyance from this woman, than I can only imagine how Kaoru feels.

I wait for him to respond. He breathes deep, staring daggers at his therapist, and answers with a solid, "Fine."

"Let's start with how you're feeling, shall we?"

After the question is asked, there is silence. I can tell Kaoru is contemplating his response with great care. A few moments later, he lifts his head and looks up into my eyes, his face full of worry and concern. He's hesitant. He doesn't want to say anything.

"It's alright, Kaoru," I reassure him, resting my forehead against his, "tell her how you feel. I'm right here, nothing bad is going to happen as long as I'm here."

Kaoru closes his eyes and takes in an unsteady breath. His face contorts as he tries stuttering out the first syllable to his sentence, "I-I… I-I-I." He stops abruptly as two tears slip out from beneath his closed eyes.

"Come on, Kaoru," I encourage. "You can do this. Just tell us how you _feel_." I really want to know what's going on inside his head. "The sooner you tell us, the sooner you'll get to go home."

"Yes, Kaoru. Don't you want to go home to see your parents?" The woman asks as she lifts her pointed nose in the air. Kaoru flinches at this.

"What do you mean? Our parents are away on business. They won't be home for a while-"

Before I can stop the therapist from saying anymore, she already begins spilling out what I wanted concealed, "Oh, really? I was told that your parents were on their way back home to see you. Your brother was informed of this too, were you not?"

I could strangle this woman right now.

"Hikaru…" I hear Kaoru trail off, his hold on me loosening as I feel him start to pull away, "You knew?" His voice is hurt and shaky and he looks as though I just stabbed him in the back. I try and reach for him but he pushes back with more force.

"No, Kaoru," I begin, "I mean, yes I knew, but I didn't want you to know – I mean, I didn't think you _needed_ to know, I just-" My rambling I cut short by the therapist's words.

"How does this make you feel, Kaoru? What do you want to say to your brother?"

Suddenly, Kaoru turns his attention towards me and his face scrunches down into a hurt scowl. "It makes me feel mad," he grounds out, with ease this time. "It makes me feel like Hikaru is keeping more than just this from me."

She got Kaoru to talk. The therapist got Kaoru to talk about his feelings, with just a simple strategy. Maybe this woman _does_ actually know something.

"I'm sorry, Kaoru," I plead. "I didn't mean to keep it from you, I just thought telling you Mom and Dad were coming home would upset you."

"So, when did you plan on telling me? When they showed up in my room?" Kaoru hissed.

"Of course not! I would've told you later on today or maybe even tomorrow-"

"Oh sure, sure," Kaoru cuts me off again, "You'll tell me when _you're_ ready to. What else have you been keeping from me? Any other secrets, like how you are the Host Club are such great pals without me or how you and Haruhi love to spend time together when I'm not around!"

Kaoru's words are mind-boggling. How could he even think that? "Kaoru," I start as I reach for him again; only to be slapped in the face.

I'm stunned for a moment, although it hasn't been the first time. I forgive him every time, because if it'll make Kaoru feel better, I'll gladly take it. Immediately I hear Kaoru's sobs and him begging me for forgiveness. It's expected, seeing as he does the same thing over and over now. He grabs my face, his eyes streaming liquid, and whimpers his repeating apologizes, only halting to plant a quick kiss on the cheek that was struck.

It is only when Kaoru wraps his arms around my torso again and sobs loudly into it do I notice the therapist jotting down notes onto her clipboard.

What could she possibly be writing? What kind of notes could she be writing about what had just occurred?

Between my wailing brother and the therapist jotting down God-knows-what, I feel like I'm an act at the circus or something!

Where are we supposed to go from here?

This therapist lady better have some good notes because I know I'm gonna have a hell of a lot of questions for her when this session is over.


	12. Chapter 12

**Part two**

**Chapter Three: Help**

"Your brother seems like a very… colourful character."

I spin my head around and eye the woman I just spent the last hour with. "What do you mean," I ask with a hint of offense. I know what she means, but it still pisses me off by the way she put it.

Kaoru's therapist, who I've come to know as Ms. Namine, pushes a stray strand of hair behind her ear before quickly making a decision about what she'd like to place on her tray for lunch. "What I mean is you two seem to have a pretty strong bond. Even for twins."

I follow behind Ms. Namine in the hospital's public cafeteria line, quickly grabbing something and putting it on my tray, as well. From the time I spent with this woman, I've learned that she's very outspoken and doesn't like to beat around the bush a lot. I guess that comes with the occupation. Still, I can't help but feel a little ticked off by her words. "Yeah, what of it," I all but snap. My outburst seems to have no effect on Ms. Namine as she pays for her lunch nonchalantly. I follow suite and trail behind her to a random lunch table where she sets down her tray without making a sound and slips into her chair just as noiselessly.

After sitting in the seat directly across from the therapist, I realize just how exhausted I really am. The hour I spent in that dark hospital room really took a lot out of me, I guess more emotionally than physically. Still, it's nice to just relax for a moment without thinking about how my actions could have some nasty effects.

I unwrap the turkey sandwich I apparently picked up and bite off a large chunk that fills my mouth.

"Your brother shows high levels of anxiety and paranoia. That was made apparent to me when he struck you across the face when I mentioned your parents returning."

Through my mouthful of food, I muffle, "Yeah, thanks for that." After swallowing the substance, I ask, "I'm surprised you didn't call security on him. Isn't he considered dangerous?"

Ms. Namine brings her tea to her lips and stares at its contents. "I wanted to see how Kaoru would react. It helps evaluating him easier. You can tell more about a person based on their impulsive actions than during an hour-long session." She sips heavily on her drink, then sets it back down on the table and looks straight at me as I take another bite of my lunch. "I think I gathered all of the information I needed within the first five minutes of that session. The rest of the fifty-five minutes were just routine."

"Really now." I raise an eyebrow, skeptical of her assumption. _All the information she needed, huh? What could she figure out in a few minutes time? She's so smug it almost makes me want to puke. _I swallow again and wipe my mouth on my napkin. I then intertwine my fingers and set them on the table top, trying to seem as smug as she was. "Please, tell me what information you gathered then."

She popped a spoonful of some cheap cafeteria food in her mouth, thinking a moment. She finished it within seconds. "Now, let's see – I can tell Kaoru is not fond of your parents, and I'm guessing you're not either, but probably not to his extent. After hearing that your parents would be returning, he automatically turned defensive." She took another sip from the plastic cup and swallowed. "I wanted to be the one to tell Kaoru about that little detail – and my assumption was correct. He dramatically reacted to the fact that _you _didn't tell him. It seems he's conflicted immensely on whether or not to trust you."

My eyebrows shoot upwards at Ms. Namine's last sentence. "My brother trusts me," I say with confidence. "If he didn't trust me, then he wouldn't ask me to be around so much! I'm protecting my brother so why wouldn't he trust me?" My tone climbs a few notches as I my speech. "He wouldn't look to me for help, or he wouldn't be so honest with me and –"

"But has he really?" The therapist interrupts. I halt my ranting as she continues. "Has Kaoru relly been open and honest with you? Are you really the only person he depends on? I hate to break it to you Hikaru, but if that was the case, would your brother be in this hospital at all? Are you already forgetting the fact that he _harmed himself greatly_; he was willing to take his own life a few days ago."

I don't know how to respond. I just sit and stare at the table, trying to think of some excuse to make up for my twin, but I know there are none. I don't want to believe that Kaoru doesn't trust me… I don't want to think that there is some kind of barrier between us.

The lies.

The secrets.

The self-harm.

The emotional distance.

…

_What the hell happened?!_ I mentally shriek. "Why…" I speak aloud. The half-eaten sandwich goes unfinished; I'm not hungry anymore.

"That's what we're trying to figure out, Hikaru. We're trying to figure out what exactly happened and what's going on inside Koaru's head. So, if there's anything you know that you're not telling me, now would be the time. No matter how you look at it Kaoru is sick, and keeping things from me is not going to make him better."

I start to think back to this morning when Kaoru and I were in the recess room… I remember how he looked at me with such desperation in his eyes. Those eyes, which used to be so full of a care-free and leisurely attitude, were filled instead with a depth of fear and anxiety. They shifted around that room, looking this way and that, as he pleaded with me – "_We have to lie. The Dead Boy won't like it if the truth gets out."_ I can feel those words echo around my head, almost haunting me in a way. I nonchalantly touch the spot on my forearm where my twin's nails dug deep as he waited for me to promise.

And I did.

I did promise.

Does that make me as bad as Kaoru now? Am I harming my brother, just as he is harming himself?

But if I tell, Kaoru won't trust me… although that doesn't even matter, because Kaoru doesn't trust me anyway! I sigh heavily and look back to the black-haired woman sitting across from me. I think it's time I start doing what is right, instead of doing what Kaoru thinks is right. "Ms. Namine, about Kaoru…"

"Hm?" came her encouraged hum.

"Well… he… he's been talking about this 'dead boy.'" I rub the back of my neck, a little embarrassed by my statement.

"A dead boy? What do you mean?" Ms. Namine leans a bit closer over the table.

I avert my eyes, feeling uncomfortable. "Well, yeah… He made me promise not to – " Suddenly, I'm cut off by a loud beeping noise.

The social worker jumps slightly at the sound and instinctively reaches down to her waistband. She grabs at the black beeper clipped to her side and snaps her head back up to me. "Let's go." Her short command has me on my feet in moments, grabbing at my leftovers and throwing them in the same container as her on our way out of the café.

I already know where we're headed. Something is wrong with Kaoru. My heart drops into my stomach, my anxiety reaches new heights as the mental doctor and I rush to the elevator that will bring us to the right floor.

And when we finally reach my twin's room, the door is open and there are several staff members surrounding the inside. Kaoru is yelling, but everyone is talking at the same time so it's hard for me to pick out what it is he's saying. I hear things like "calm down" and "get away" mixed in.

I push my way into the room, asking what's happening as I do. "Where's Kaoru," I shout. One of the staff members look at me. She's a short nurse, probably in her mid-20s.

"All I was trying to do was clean up his lunch trays and then I noticed how stuffy the room was, so I wanted to let some fresh air in, and before you know it, that kid was going insane! He hopped off his bed and has been threatening the staff ever since." She points off to the corner of the room where a lone figure is huddled, pressed against the wall. I quickly identify him as my twin and key in on what he's saying.

"Why, why would you open the window! The dead boy is coming for me now… you released him! The dead boy is in this room, he'll be coming for me as soon as you all leave! He'll be coming for us all! Tonight will be the night – the dead boy comes out to fight!"

Ms. Namine is calling for other medical professionals. "I ordered you to put his restraints back on! Who forgot? I swear sometimes you people are useless!"

I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should run up to my brother and console him or wait for the medical staff to arrive. I have such a deep rooted sense of responsibility and I'm so torn on what to do. All I can really do is just stand by and watch as my brother engulfs himself in his own delusional hysteria, and make threats to any of the staff that come near.

"He'll kill us! He'll kill us all!"

* * *

**Author's note:** I haven't given up yet! ….. It's just taking me a while… anybody who wants to give me any inspiration, don't feel afraid to message me! I'm trying my best to end this on a good note...


	13. Wake Up

**Author's Note:** Wow, I can't believe people are still following/reviewing this story. Just a warning, don't get your hopes up. I'm following an outline I wrote about 3 years ago, so I'm not sure it makes any sense.

It's just very hard to write for a story that you have zero interest anymore, but I feel bad that some of you are still waiting for an ending.

* * *

**Part Two**

**Chapter Four: Wake Up**

Seeing my brother in such a confused state of paranoia was probably the second worse thing I've ever experienced in my life. The first being when I held his lifeless body in my hands as he bled out. Kaoru had been sedated with the help of some nurses and his doctor. After that display, I heard them talking about transporting him to the nearest psych ward.

But if they do that, then it's all over. Kaoru would be locked up like some insane criminal, forced to befriend and talk to people he doesn't know. And I'd be damned if I just sat back and watched his life fall apart.

Soon after my brother's "episode" I stormed up to Ms. Namine and confessed to everything. I made her listen to every last detail about Kaoru and his ludicrous delusion – The Dead Boy. At first, her reaction was to get angry, which I understood. I withheld important information from a licensed professional who was trying to help Kaoru get better.

"I know you're upset, Ms. Namine, but now isn't the time for it. I'm done playing by Kaoru's rules. If he's serious about getting help, then he's going to have to play by our rules. If you still trust me, then I'd like you to hear my plan."

Ms. Namine hesitated for a moment before finally agreeing. She and I made our way to her office where we would discuss our course of action.

This would determine whether or not Kaoru was actually worth still saving.

"So, what you're saying is that Kaoru is just using the Dead Boy as a reflection of himself?" It sounded far fetched, but anything was possible after everything I've been through these past few weeks.

"Yes," Ms. Namine said, "he needs an outlet to blame for all of his anger and fear. What he really fears is himself. We need to get him to understand that he doesn't need to rely on the Dead Boy, that there are other, safer, ways to get your frustrations out."

I sighed heavily. "If this fails, he's only going to sink further."

"At this point, Hikaru, do we really have a choice?"

It wasn't too long later that Ms. Namine and I entered Kaoru's room. As usual, the lights were off, yet the curtains were left wide open. An ominous grey cloud covered the entire sky, expanding past the farthest mountains. It created an eerie mood inside this small medical room. Kaoru was restrained to the bed once more, staring up at the ceiling. No sooner had we entered did my brother say, "Get out." Without turning his head, he continued, "You've caused enough trouble."

"I am not the cause of your trouble, Kaoru." Ms, Namine pulled over a chair and sat. "You are."

This made Kaoru growl. "I am not!"

"Then who is?" the therapist asked calmly.

Kaoru remained silent. He stilled in his bed, staring up at the ceiling once more. A tiny, "You wouldn't understand," left his lips, barely audible.

"Really? Then why don't we ask someone who would."

That was my cue. I stepped forward and stood next to Ms. Namine. Kaoru's eye's locked with my own, and I'm sure my expression wasn't all too comforting. He looked shocked, to say the least.

"What's going on," I heard him quietly ask.

"I told her everything, Kaoru." I spoke with confidence, rather than with pity for my brother. "I told her everything because I want to help fix you. Now it's time for you to come clean to yourself."

"You betrayed me!" Kaoru's voice rang out around the enclosed space, hurting my ears. "Now the Dead Boy will – "

I interrupted his nonsense, sick of listening to it all. "I refuse to play along with your fantasies anymore!" I waited for a retort, yet none came. Kaoru just laid there, eyes glued to my face. I continued, "At first, I tired to help you by myself. That didn't work out. Then, I tried relying on friends, but that seemed to only make things worse. I thought, maybe if I backed off and let the hospital help you, they'd know more about the right things to do. I never thought that the only way to help you was for you to help yourself." I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "You need to snap out of your fantasy world. Everything you're afraid of _isn't real_. I want to know what started all of this. No more lies, no more secrets. Or I swear, Kaoru, I will walk out this door right now and not look back."

Kaoru stared at me, his mouth agape. "N-No. You just want to hurt me."

"I will say this again," Ms. Namine spoke loudly, "We are only here to help."

Kaoru closes his eyes as if to block us out. "No! Go away."

"I'm not going anywhere." I said. "I have all the time in the world to wait for your answer. Now, tell me what you fear."

Kaoru's voice became shaky. "I-If I tell you... then..."

"Then what? I learn what you're afraid of? Good, then I can start helping you. I don't want you to bottle up your emotions anymore. We're supposed to be there for one another!"

A few seconds of silence fill the room before my brother speaks. His voice is low and dangerous. "It's funny how you say that, yet you haven't been entirely there for me."

I'm shocked and insulted. I talk a bit louder than I had intended to. "What are you talking about? I've been there for you since day one –"

Now, it was Kaoru's turn to interrupt me. "Ever... Ever since we joined the host club..." he thought for a moment, "no, ever since we entered high school, you've been pulling away from me!"

I raised an eyebrow. "No, I haven't." I glanced at Ms. Namine who switched between watching my brother and I, and writing on her notepad.

"Kaoru, are you worried about things changing?" Ms. Namine asked out of nowhere, startling me.

I wait for my brother to answer, but again, there is no response. Instead, I observe him look towards the window, to which he can partially see his reflection. I'm almost certain he's looking for his "Dead Boy."

"Kaoru, nothing's changed between us. If I was leaving, if I truly didn't care about you, would I be standing here right now?" I couldn't stand him looking away from me anymore. Without thinking, I walked up to him and placed both hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look me in the eye. "The only one who's changed here is you."

It was like a bomb was dropped; Kaoru's eyes became glossed over and his expression became one of mortified surprise. He slowly shook his head in denial.

"Everything that's happened is because of your ridiculous fears, ones that you made up. If you talked freely about them, maybe you'd start _feeling_ free."

"But –" Kaoru glanced over to the window again, sizing his reflection up and down. Tears began to form and the corners of his mouth pulled down. "Hikaru... I-I..." Suddenly, it felt like a weight had been lifted from the room, like a fog had dissipated. "I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of growing up. I'm afraid of losing you." My brother's long, pent up emotions spilled from his heart. I ran a soothing hand through his disheveled, identical hair.

"I'm afraid of that, too." My throat closed up, and I felt like a lump was blocking my airway. "I think about that a lot, especially now." I encircle his shoulders and pull him close. "Please, stop changing, and come back to me. You'll never have to be alone again."

As Kaoru and I cried, I couldn't help but notice the light returning to my brother's eyes, and he even smiled gently as the sun peeked behind the murky clouds and shined into that gloomy room.


End file.
